Thursday, December 28, 2006

Another Meddling Mother

So I had been dating this really nice girl for quite sometime and I was madly in love with her. I had neglected to tell my parents about it because they would have freaked out and I didn't want to lose her. So one night my mom found out.
Freaked out. And set me up on a blind date... With what she referred to
as "a very nice, polite, and respectful young man" I went to our
designated meeting spot and we met up. He was a nice guy... But didn't
seem quite right... So ever few minutes his phone would vibrate and he
would look at it and then ask me a question *vibrate* so tell me about
your ex boyfriend *vibrate* ever been in love?
*vibrate* what do you do for fun...
After a while I caught on. So the next time it vibrated it I reached
over the table and grabbed the phone... My mother was sending him text
messages telling him what to ask me... But not only that... But I gave
the phone back and excused myself to the bathroom. I went walking
towards the restroom and I hear a very familiar voice. My mother is
sitting at a table in the back of the restaurant watching us!!! I was
upset... But got over it. There was never a second date... But he is
now engaged to a very nice, polite and mature BOY!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

He Changed His Mind...So Did She!

Editors Note: It's rare that a date goes bad for a girl before she even gets out of the car...I met a man online and agreed to meet him in the parking lot of a restaurant. He said he wasn't interested in sex, just wanted to meet some new people and have someone to go with him to movies and things. So I agreed to meet him. When I pulled up, I was looking for his car, and he surprised me by showing up at my window of my car first. He said he liked what he saw and changed his mind about the sex thing. He wanted to know if I'd give him a b/j. I rolled up my window and took off for home ASAP!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Non- Blonde

I was 22 and she was 18. She was still in high school. We went to a very nice Italian restaurant. After we ate I went to the restroom. When I came back, she was doing her HOMEWORK. Right there on the the table of this restaurant. After that we went to the movie theatre. We bought our tickets and had to wait about twenty minutes for the previous show to end so we could go in. She FELL ASLEEP on the bench while waiting. To make matters worse she fell off and bumped her head. After the show I took her back to the parking lot where we met earlier. Her car got towed! It was parked in a no parking zone. So I took her to her aunts house and left. I stopped off somewhere for a beer and thought to myself, that DID NOT just happen. And for the record, she was not a blonde.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Mother Knows Best

This happened a couple months ago. I met a guy online, seemed to be really nice, we agreed to meet in person for a drink. He showed up on time, brought flowers, looked great....I settled in for what I thought would be a great evening.
However, about 20 minutes into the conversation, he shared that he still lived with Mom. (He's 30.)
And Mom is really controlling.
And Mom is really religious.
I swear I am not making the next part up. He goes on to say that because of Mom, when (when!) I came over to have sex, we could have sex in his room but then I would have to sleep in a different room or Mom would get upset.
I thought I was going to choke on my drink. He called a few times after that night, but I didn't even listen to the messages.
...Good Lord! No pun intended.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

A Remarkably Long One (story that is)

Editors Note: Thanks to Dan for contributing this unusually long story and adding the term "man curves" to our culture. Ok, sit back, relax and read Dans tale:
Ok it starts with me meeting her, and this was a long long time ago........
I met nicole in the homecoming of a school i used to attend, we danced, we only danced together mostly and not with other pple, and we both loved each other's company... now here's where it gets scary, next day i ask her out on a date, she says sure, so far so good. when i ask her where she wants me to pick her up, she says at the ***** station somewhere at the other side of the city, now i'm goin like where the hell is that?! But i persevere, and i get there after like 30 mins of confusion in the subways. when i finally get there, i wait for 20 mins, she calls me up on my cell, sayin "Dan, where are you?" and i'm goin like: "i've been waitin for you for the last twenty minutes! where are you? i'm at exit number 2!" now i hear her laughing at the other end, and after a few seconds, she says, "we're meeting in exit number 1, dummy!" i'm like, wtf (ofcourse i didn't actually say that) and i go meet her there. when i finally get to see her, she walks up to me in that smiling kinda way she had done the other day and hugs me. i hug her back, and everything's fine. I go like, "so which one of us was the one that said we we're meeting in exit number 1?" and she smiles up at me and replies, "you."
After our great start of the day, (on our first date!) we head on to a little coffee shop for lunch. She says she loves the woman who works there, and that she makes great hot coco and has a knack for apple pie. So i agree, following her into a store only five minutes away from the place where we had been talking. When we get into the shop I see it's quite cozy, and with a look of disbelief on my face i order an apple pie with hot coco on the side, and she orders the same except with strawberry shake instead of the coco. When we get the order, my mouth is already watering, and i'm havin the time of my life talkin to the hottest girl in the freshman year. When I start eating and talking everything seems to be going ok, and i feel like i'm on top of the world. Then all of the sudden I feel a tingling sensation in my throat, and i notice that this only happens when i eat almonds (I have allergies) and my throat was starting to close up. I get up, franticly, asking whether they had any almonds in the pie, the damn woman who made it merely replies, "oh nono, not almonds my dear, almond essence, it gives the taste a good edge" I feel my throat closing up and in a desperate act of survival I attempt to chug down my hot coco, though right when it touched my tongue i had spluttered out the the contents without a drop down my throat because it was boiling hot! i got my 80 dollar shirt all soaked in my own saliva and hot coco, but ofcourse i did not notice this because i had a fried sausage for a tongue and my wind pipe was collapsing in on itself. The next attempt to wash down the almonds, was with nicole's strawberry shake, finally sighing with releif at the feeling of firstly survival and secondly the temperature drop in my mouth, i sit back down in my chair and try not to look in nicole's direction. after a while all i could do was look at her pretty brown eyes, and tell her that i was sorry. she only bit her lip in response, and suddenly out of the blue started laughing hysterically. I was so bummed out i could feel my ears turning red from blushing. she came over to my the seat next to me, rather than across, and started to clean the mess of hot coco i made on the table. she reassures me that it wasn't my fault and tells me that the nothing happened out of the ordinary. I take of liberty of helping her clean up, and after a few minutes, we both sit back down, and i tell her how wonderful her strawberry shake was. she laughs and tells me that the hot coco stains in my shirt might come off if we put it in hot water. So she invites me to her house a block away and tells me no one's at home.
When we get to the house, she tells me with a smirk to take off my shirt, and i do so with an expression of nutrality on my face (luckily I had been working out for the past year, so my man curves weren't too shabby). she tells me to wait in her room while she soaks my white shirt in hot water. after a few minutes she comes back with the few snacks she could find in the house, and a bottle of blissfully cool cocacola (my tongue wasn't fully recovered). After i finish, we both just sit on her bed, not talking at all. i try to break the ice by trying to fire up a conversation, and she goes along with it. Eventually, we are both engrossed in each other's faces and we are both laying down. She seems to take a liking to me, and i feel special because of it( :P). After 2 hours (wow, i havn't talked to a girl that long for some time) of talk she tells me that the shirt probably doesn't have the stains anymore, and i go check with her. When we had gotten into the bathroom, and had taken a good look at my shirt, it seemed all was well and the stains seemed to be gone, even thoug a few discolored specks remained, but i was grateful. she takes out the shirt and hangs it up to dry on her porch while i sit in the living room. she comes back in, and right away we start talking again (she had grown used to the shirtless guy next to her, and was quite comfortable at this stage). Eventually she starts talking about how she had been dumped by some "evil" guy in the past, and after only a few minutes of the subject, she was in my arms, sitting in my lap (I was quite satisfied with myself that for first daters we were already quite close). After some time, somehow we ended back in the room under the covers of her "Lion King" bed ( i was cold). i started yawning, and with that she took up the activity too (we were both exausted from yesterday's homecoming, because everyone had stayed up quite late). After a while she told me she was going to change into her PJ's and that she was going to (funnilly enough) sleep with me. i was ofcourse did not expect the most favorable outcome from this situation, but when she came back in her PJ's, i felt quite snug next to her, and soon enough we both fall asleep.
I woke up to the voice of some guy outside and look at the time (7:00), and realise my mystake, i was lying in bed with a girl in her pyjamas, with me shirtless, and supposedly her father outside her room door! I franticly started waking nicole, and when she realised who was outside her door, she started up franticlly, but it was too late now, the father was checking whether anyone was home, and had entered her room with a gasp. "NICOLE?! WHO IS THIS BOY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I get up and try to explain myself to this screaming fat walrus of a man, but he just shouts over me: "NICOLE YOUR GOING TO BE GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFETIME IF YOU CONTINUE LIKE THIS! I WILL NOT TOLERATE SUCH BEHAVIOR!" ofcourse, nicole was trying to explain in calm tones, but it all eventually came to a shouting match. Finally after minutes of a meaningless hot argument, he calms down and actually starts using all his five senses. she explains the whole situation, and after the whole mess of things was sorted out, he reluctantly left us alone with a final, "you might not be doing what i thought you were doing, but your attitude still shouldn't have been so disrespectful, oh and by the way i picked up Alice on the street (they were classmates), she asked whether it was ok to come over and i told her it was fine, i see you already have company, but she's here so you might as well introduce her to...Dan, is it?" I nod my head in response, and I hear a familiar voice behind the door. Was it...? no... it can't be... Alice was a girl i had dated in the school nicole was attending now, last year. I had dumped her for being way too clingy, and here she was in the next room probably wondering who this mysterious "Dan" was. After a few moments of dumbfounded disbelief, I ask nicole, "hey nicky... is this Alice from Kent (that's our school name)?" "yeah" she replies, "why?" "Oh.... nothin." I say.
When we walk into the living room together, with nicole in her silk PJ's and me in only my jeans, I come face to face with what i had been dreading all this time, and when Alice sees me her eyes become as wide as saucers, and her jaw seemingly drops to the floor. "DAN?! You're dating THAT bastard?!" I look away nonchalantly, trying to keep myself from grabbing my shirt and running. Nicole looks at her confused, and the whole matter of her being my Ex was revealed. Though, all throughout the explanation i had to take out and add a few things that she had added/removed from our history. She had made it sound like i had left her to die, even though when we were together, she was the one who had been the *****. Finally when everything was explained Nicole looks at me in disbeilief and asks whether everything she just said was true. I didn't really know what to say, so i just blurted out: "not everything I--" "nevermind" she says. I was stunned. I just had the most unlucky day in my life, and even though the odds were against me it hadn't been turning out that bad, but now it was a disaster. I couldn't get myself to look at her, so i said, "You know, I... the reason why i dumped Alice was because she just... wasn't what i was looking for. I didn't know how to put it to her that i didn't want her anymore without breaking her heart, so i gave in and told her i didn't want to be with her anymore." I look up at her and sighed. "you know what" I say, " even though you might think me a bastard right now, I just want to say that i had the time of my life, talking to you even though everything, I mean EVERYTHING went wrong, and if you really think i'm not worth it, then i guess i'll just leave." I went to get my shirt to put on, wet or no, and left.
The happy ending is that she called me the next day and said that she thought Alice was wrong, and that she wanted to talk. And after that we were together for a long time, and have been since.

Twitches Tale

Editors Note: Are people actually "impressed" by tales of failed suicide attempts? I mean, she did fail right? Oh well, at least she gave it a try...."A" for effort I on:
I scheduled a date with a girl who I thought was 30 and pregnant with her first kid. Within 5 minutes of picking her up I find out she's 20, and pregnant with her 4th kid. she then spent the rest of the evening trying to impress me with her stories of past failed suicide attempts. All of which she assured me were very true despite the noticeable lack of scars. Twitch

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Got A Bad Date Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
<"The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Is It Love That I'm Feeling? (Nope...Food Poisoning)

I have been single for about 6 years and, though I go out often, never have found someone that I wanted to spend more than an evening or two with.Well I met a nice woman that is a sister of one of my friends.We talked and decided to go out on a double date with my friend and his wife.We chose a pizza place to eat at and have a few beers.As we were waiting for our food we had some very good conversation and laughs which was really setting the mood for a great evening.When the food arrived we each ate our fill of pizza.We decided while eating that we would go to the mall and look around.As we were walking around my stomach started making some very strange noises like it was time for a REALLLLLLY needed bathroom break.I mentioned that I needed to go to the restroom and as luck would have it everyone else had to go too.Long story short we all had a mild case of food poisioning and each of us had a very hard time getting out of the mall and back to another bathroom without having a very bad accident.It ain't funny driving about 15 miles through town at 8:30 on a Saturday night with a bad stomach and not enough restrooms around.I don't think my date cared for the suggestion we should stop and use the woods in a small park next to the road.It wasn't very romantic hearing her in the only bathroom at a gas station groaning and making all kinds of foul sounds behind closed doors.While waiting for her to finish her business I had to go behind the gas station and she got mad at me for being disgusting.So much for our first date,never did get a second date.My friend told me that she couldn't face me after the way that night went

Monday, November 20, 2006

Crazy For You...or just crazy

I had been talking to this girl online a few times, though nothing came of it. One day in the mall she recognized me from my picture, and I asked her out on a date. The big day soon came, and we just met at the mall and had a meal, and during the meal i started to realize that this woman was not exactly what you might call.. -how to put this - even mildly interesting. We then went to a movie of her choosing, "I still know what you did last summer". No offense to those who are fans, but this movie blew, I mean it blew donkey balls.

In and of itself this was no big deal, except that my date was thoroughly enjoying it, from begining to end. She laugh at moronic jokes, screamed at scenes my little sister wouldn't think were scary, and thought the plot was great. Strike two.

By now, I realized that I didn't want to go on another date, or evenspeak to her again, but I tried to hide my displeasure. Neither of us own a car, and she said she was going to walk home. Seeing that it was about to rain, I decided to at least try and be a gentleman and so asked where she lived and if she wanted me to walk her home. She said she just lived a "little ways over there" and would like me to walk with her.

Little did I realize that "a little ways over there " was 3 miles away. Ofcourse by now it's pouring rain, and I am soaked from head to toe. We arrive at her house, and I ask if I can come in and call a cab. She says no, she is afraid we'll wake her parents, and that she'll call for me. She goes in. Minutes pass. More minutes pass. The rain gets even harder.

Finally I get sick of awaiting and knock on the door, which opens to reveal a not unattractive young woman. "May I help you?" So I explain who I am and why I'm standing there on their front porch getting rained on, and she quickly brings me in. We call the cab, which never comes, so the sister and her boyfriend graciously give me a ride back to my barracks, with apologies on behave of her sister (whom I haven't see since she went inside, and who has either forgotten about me or wants to pretend I'm not there)

Now, I don't claim I am prince charming or that i made a great impression either, but on the trip back, the pair heard my story and explained to me that my date is what some might call "special" or in clinical terms "batshi* crazy". With this I thanked the sister and boyfriend and taking no chances, had them drop me off a couple blocks away from my place; a little wiser, and a lot wetter.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


I met this man on a dating site, he and I e-mailed each other back and forth and talked on the phone for a month or so, and he finally asked me out. I agreed and he had asked me to go to A nice dinner at the Mandalay Bay in Oxnard, and walk along the beach, I agreed it sounded like fun. And very romantic.

Well. the morning of the date (friday) he called me and said he had gone to the mall and bought me a gift, (Okay now i felt guilty because something told me to flake on the date so now I felt obligated), so he tells me he is going to pick me up at 7pm, well he was late m "he got lost" no big deal it happens. He gets here, and I go out to his car, (now keep in mind he told me he drove a Jeep Cherokee 2006), he shows up in a brand new FORD TAURUS, okay I can get over that and the reason I know it was his because it had the registration in the window still. Okay now I am in the car and he has wore a suit and tie in the middle of the summer., I am thinking maybe I should of just flaked, but hey lets get this over with.

So we are talking and we get on the freeway, and he tells me that he could not get any reservation at the Mandalay Bay and that we are going to go somewhere else as a suprise. I do not like to be suprised by someone that I really don't know. Thank god for cell phones....
Okay so I am still trying to be nice and we are driving and talking, I finally ask where we are going, he says to a place in ventura, okay that narrowed it down for me, I ask again, and he says to a different hotel. Okay STOP wait a minute we were going to dinner. I am now texting my best friend to get me the hell out of here LOL, it is bad. I am trying to remember names of roads and streets LOL, So i ask where we are going to DINNER, and he says lets go to the hotel first and then we can go to dinner it is 8:30 I haven't ate all day and I am starving, so I tell him NO, I think dinner is good first so we finally agree to dinner, I should of went with my gut instinct.
So we get off the freeway and he pulls into DENNY'S for dinner, I thought to myself DENNY'S you gotta be kidding... DENNY'S I am now done, so I excuse myself from the table and go to the bathroom and call my friend and we did the sick phone call thing, she said that my son fell down her strairs and broke his arm and they were on their way to the ER. LOL, I started to "panic" on the phone and cry, lol, he totally bought it. He took me straight home to go see my son. Now remember at the very beggining of this whole story where he told me he bought me a "suprise" LOL, well he didn't buy anything he had stole a robe from some hotel in vegas and brought it to me.. Now that was the kicker of it all... LOL. I hope that this gets in at least the top 10 of bad dates....

Sunday, November 05, 2006

The Sleazy Husband Fixer-Upper

Editors Note: A big thankyou to the beautiful and mysterious Sadie who allows me to use segments from her blog OystersandBeer for highly recommend her blog, but be forewarned it, like this post, often contains adult situations and, under stress, the ocassional bad word has been known to slip from her rose petal on to her latest bad date:
One time a friend of mine invited me over for a small dinner party she and her husband were throwing. Her husband had a guy friend who was single, and they had the idea to fix me up with him. Without telling me, of course; don't you love it how people work those things out, a husband and wife invite six people over for dinner, four of them are couples and the other two just happen to be single people of the opposite sex? Yeah, so it was a fix up. Which ended up not working out.

But the really bad part of the night was the way my friend's husband, the sleazeball, acted. He was totally flirting with me. Every chance he got to talk to me one-on-one he took. I kept telling myself "oh he's just overly friendly, he's drinking a lot, he likes to try to make people laugh, it's nothing really." But I knew better; the sleaze was totally trying to impress me and hang out with me. And not giving his friend a chance to talk to me, either.

When it actually came time to sit down to dinner, the sleazeball husband had me sit next to him - - and had my pseudo-date sit way on the other end of the table, next to the sleaze's wife. Now, I've never really liked this guy; I've always wondered how my friend could have ever married him. He treats her like crap half the time, but he acts so jolly when he's being a dick to her that I wonder if she even realizes that he's really being a dick to her. He kept ordering her around, telling her to do all kinds of stuff for their guests; "get up and get so-and-so such-and-such," even though the thing he wanted her to get was right behind him, and he could have much more easily gotten it himself, that kind of little thing. Then when he was serving everyone's plates, he said in a way that I guess he figured was a gracious host kind of way "oh Sadie, your steak looks pretty done, you said you like yours medium-rare; hey, wife, hand me your plate, yours is more medium-rare," then he actually took his wife's plate and, over my objections, cut her steak in half and gave the rarer half to me, then gave my more done half to her. It was just kind of crass, especially with the way he talks to her, like she's nothing. And he kept giving me looks and winking at me and joking with me the whole time.

Then comes the thing that is the sleaziest thing ever. After everyone was seated, and all the plates were served, he said "let's say the blessing. Everyone hold hands." So I had to hold his hand while he said a blessing over our dinner. And then, while he was holding my hand, and while he was saying a blessing, he did it. With the hand that was holding my hand, he took his middle finger, slipped it down so that it was touching my palm, and made teasing little circles in the middle of my palm with his middle finger.

I was aghast. (A) It was sleazy; (B) this was my friend's husband!

Now I don't know what other people would do in this situation, and I don't know what he expected I would do. Maybe he thought I would make eyes at him and then, later on, arrange a time and place to fuck him or something. But instead, I did the only thing that a drunk me could think of to do: as soon as the blessing was over, right after everyone said "amen," I yelled out, loudly, for the whole room to hear: "Oh my God, were you just diddling my palm with your middle finger in the middle of the fucking blessing?!?!"

I smiled and laughed as I said it (very loudly), and everyone else laughed, and totally made fun of him.

I have no idea what my friend, the sleazeball's wife, felt about that, because she and I never talked about it. But I think, at least I hope, that I made him look like the asshole that he is to everyone sitting around the dinner table. And that his wife at the very least didn't fuck him herself for a long time after that.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

What's Your Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

Big Spender

I had a blind date once with a guy who asked if I could pick him up because he didn't have a car. He sounded really nice over the phone. We met at the local hang out which was a small town drive in burger place 20 miles out of town, then went to a flea market! He didn't offer to pay for anything of mine, not even the coke I had. Come to find out, his license h/b suspended for DWI, he still lived with his parents (we were both mid 40's), h/b divorced several times, and couldn't hold down a job. When I left, he had the nerve to ask me if we could see each other again!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Mothers Day

ok, the very worst date of my life. the guy comes to pick me up for a first date on mother's day. he says he is taking me out to dinner. his friends are driving the van he picks me up in and he sits up front and i am in the back. he shows me a picture of elvis that he bought for his mom and the surprise is that we are going to her house to eat. him, me and 3 of his friends. she lives in a tiny basement apartment, and two of her other sons live there with her and her cat. she looks and sounds like the lady that used to say "where's the beef"? on the tv commercial. i am allergic to cats. the place is full of cat hair. his brother starts a gigantic fight, the other guys are in the one bedroom, watching some kind of sports. I want to leave. i am offered a pickle for dinner. mother ate the sandwich. and the friends wont take me home until game on tv is over. i have an asthma attack. have to sit outside, i have to call a cab and ended up paying for my own cab ride home. the guy actually wanted to kiss me goodbye. I showed him my *** to kiss. lol true story.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

The Jerk

Went on a first date with this very nice looking man that I had met a few times through my job. He chose the restaurant, OK.. No problem..
We were looking at the menus and the waiter approached; The waiter ask if we were ready to order. My date politely answered that he was ordering for both of us. I listened as nicely as I could manage to him ordering seafood, which I am allergic to. Trying to maintain my manners, I spoke up and said to the waiter; "No, I will be having ....", I was rudely interrupted by my date, who again, said we would be having the seafood and that HE knew better than I what I would like.
Manners out the window at that point, I said "NO, you can have what you want, but *I* am having something else.
AGAIN, he told the waiter we were having the seafood. He said even though I was allergic to seafood, I would LOVE this dish, and women did not know what they liked anyway. ( The poor waiter was so embarrassed)..
I let the order stand.. Excused myself to the restroom, and walked out the front door and caught a taxi.. I caught up with friends, had a lovely evening and came home to about a dozen messages on my phone from Mr. Jerk, who was "worried" about me.
The JERK then had the nerve to call me over and over asking for another date!!!
*Right*.. When hell froze over..

Monday, October 16, 2006

Einstein at The Tractor Store

I went to Tractor Supply store with this guy who was a "cowboy". I guess this was his idea of a date. Well he got a headache and stopped in the gas station to get some medicine. He comes out with a thing of Tylenol PM. It was noon.
I said I hope you plan on taking a nap because that's going to make you sleepy. He started laughing at me and was like Honey this is Tylenol PM ... Its Noon that's 12PM you take regular tylenol at Midnight because that's 12 AM, regular tylenol is the kind that makes you sleepy.
Turned off by his sheer stupidity, but still turned on by the wrangler jeans, I went back to his house to watch a movie and about 15 minutes into it he was dead asleep. I snuck out the door and haven't seen Mr. Tylenol PM since

Friday, October 13, 2006

Scary Date

I went out with a guy who said he was a cop.
On our first and last date he showed me a gun that he was carrying in his belt hidden by a jacket. When I asked to see his badge he claimed that he didnt carry it for safety reasons...claiming that if anyone knew he was a cop he'd probably get killed. Dufus!! Yet, he had a gun on him....what a crock of crap!
Lucky I was calm and said a sweet goodnite from the very public place we met in. Yikes!!

Sunday, October 08, 2006

A Date Ending In Handcuffs #2

It was a blind date. My friend got us together.
He showed up on time, looked nice and was courteous. He met my parents and they thought he was nice, too. We had reservations at a restaurant close to my house.
We headed out and we were pulled over near the entrance to the restaurant. The cops took his ID, registration and also took my ID.
After a while, the cops started to get out of the car to come back to us. All-of-a-sudden my date opened the door and bolted. I didn't know what the hell was going on. One cop chased after him and the other cop pulled me out and handcuffed my hands behind my back.
Being handcuffed isn't good. The police like to keep them tightened up on your wrists. The cop that cuffed me pulled me aggressively back towards the squad car asking me all this crap about my so-called "boyfriend". OBVIOUSLY he wasn't my boyfriend. I barely knew him!!
The cop put me in the car and seatbelted me. He started searching the car when the other cop came back with my date in handcuffs. My date was swearing, spitting and trying to attack the cops. What a jerk.
They get him under control and put him into another police car that responded to their calls for help. I'm trying to situate myself in the seat and it's impossible.
The cops had the car towed and they brought me to the station. They finally took the cuffs off me and searched me. They printed me and took my photo.
I was then brought into a room where another cop and a lawyer were present. I was being charged with larceny of a motor vehicle and resisting arrest. Resisting arrest??
I'm trying to tell them I have no idea what the hell is happening. After a few hours, my date confessed to stealing the car and said I had nothing to do with any of it.
I was released and charges were dropped against me. I was innocent. He's currently serving two years for auto theft. He had been arrested for stealing cars in the past.
Always know who you're going out with and the vehicle they're driving. Handcuffs are TIGHT and UNCOMFORTABLE! take this to heart, you don't want to find out on your own.
I'm currently pursuing a lawsuit. I was falsely arrested and mistreated.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Her Agenda

She answered my personal ad...we decided to meet for lunch (after having spoken on the phone very briefly)...lunch consists of the usual stuff, what do you do, where do you come from, etc...turns out she is a teacher on leave, she spent the summer biking across canada, climbed a mountain, rafted the colorado, traveled across, taking a year off to do all the things she wanted to do before she got too old, she is 38, I am 44...of course I had little of that sort to serve up, but I did my best to cover my end...building my business, investing in a few things, kinda boring when you consider...and then, maybe half way through burgers she looks me square in the eye and asks, "so are you ready to have children"..."children?" I say..."yes, are you ready to have children, I'm 38 and I want to get started on a family immediately"...jokingly I said, "can it wait till after lunch" which she replied in a rather serious tone, "no problem, my place is about two blocks from here, we can start then"..."I was joking," I said, to which she replied, "I wasn't"..."huh?"...stunned I stumbled for a minute and just had to say children were not really something on my agenda and probably wouldn't be soon, if at which she got up (remember we are still in the middle of lunch, burgers half eaten, drinks half drunk), grabbed her coat and walked out without saying another word...

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Should Have Left The Light Off!

Years ago a prankster friend of mine hooked me up with a gorgeous female who had the sexiest and coolest walk in the world. The four of us partied the night away. We danced, we drank, and of course, we smoked. Later, we all agreed to continue the party at my friend's house. The atmosphere, the music, and everything was right, plus by that time I had a serious buzz on. Eventually, my date and I retired to the guest bedroom to call it a night and REST! I excused my self and went to the bathroom. When I returned to the guest bedroom, all the lights were out. Being the sneak that I am, I created some dumb reason to turn the lights back on. WOW! On the night stand was her wig, and without it she had the features of a young man. However, the real shocker was when on the floor beside her side of the bed was an artificial limb from the knee-down. Mind you, I'm not making fun of her, because not one of us is perfect. It's just that at that particular time in my life I wasn't prepared to deal with all of that, and I didn't have the charismatic knowledge to bow out gracefully. I refuse to continue on with part 2, but my friend the prankster got an ear full in part 3. THIS IS A TRUE HAPPENING!!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Viva Margarita

There was the woman I met at a Mexican Restaurant at 1:00 PM on a Sunday that was already drunk. She proceeded to drink two more 40 oz. Marguiritas (sp?) through the afternoon. She tried to hug everyone's kids, wanted me to buy her flowers, and it became apparent that she had more than one personality. One minute she'd be talking about her birds, then a grin would suddenly light up her face as she said "Fuck You!". I wasn't even saying anything at the time so it wasn't in response to anything I said or did. At one point she went to the bathroom in the basement of the place. After a half an hour had passed I figured she had slipped out the door, but she suddenly reappeared with perspiration on her face telling me the bathroom was several floors down and she had to walk really far. When I went to the bathrioom it was only a flight of stairs down, but after being exposed to several different personalities, some very pleasant, others from the Exorcist, I just took it in stride. We didn't order our food until around 4:00 PM, but I was fascinated by these abrupt changes and I was tempted to ask her if her personalities had different names. We finally left around 7:30 and she was far too drunk to drive. She didn't believe me until she fell onto the road. I waved a cab down and gave her a $20 bill. The next morning I got an email from her asking me where she parked her car. I told her it was in front of the restaurant, but I think she blacked out before she even got to the place. It turned out she had charged the cab on her credit card and went to a bar to drink some more before she went home. She told me she was a really nice person and wanted to go out with me again, but I turned her down.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Moving Too Fast!!!

I went out with this guy for the 1st time on a Friday,then he showed up Saturday afternoon ,without calling, and said he thought we should just order pizza and stay in. He also asked for a calculator and started asking me about my monthly bills so he could figure up his share!

Thursday, September 21, 2006

The Milkman

I went out on a a few dates with this one guy a few years ago. he seemed nice at first but after getting to know him, he was really strange and was attaching himself to me way too quickly. He obsessively called me many times after I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. Three months had passed and I had not heard from him in about two. I was now dating someone else and forgot all about the weirdo guy. It was summer time now and I went on vacation with my family. when I got home from vacation there was a brown package on my doorstep. My sister wanted to open it but i thought i had better do it..who knows what could be inside.
It had no return address..only his initials "R.P"
I ripped the box open and inside was a milk carton. The crazy guy had taken a picture of me of my AOL profile and glued it to the side of the carton. Under the picture read, "Have you seen this woman..missing since..and the date". Not only that but a 5 pages typed letter "not double spaced"..about how i was such a a horrible person and if i wanted to redeem myself I would meet him at a certain place, at a certain time. needless to say, I never showed did creep me out a bit though lol

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Got A True Bad Date Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

Another Short One...uh, story.

I went on a date and the girl started talking about her ex boyfriend having a 9 inch penis. It got worse from there. Check please!!!!!

Sunday, September 17, 2006

The Problem With Retrievers!

Editors Note: This may be the rudest, most foul and obscene story I've ever put on the blog...don't read it!
I swear this is true. It could only happen to me....
It happened last year. I went out on a date with a gal, (2nd one I think), we went back to her house after a night out of fun, every thing was going great... "UNTIL".. I had to go to the bathroom, #2, (doody), a BIG #2.
So, I excused myself and went into the bathroom and dropped one huge, long, hard log, this thing was at least 9" long and as thick as a rolling pin, what a relief, wow.
Then I went to flush it, WOULD NOT GO DOWN THE HOLE!!! Too damn big, now, I know I'm f---ed.... OH MY GOD! what the hell am I going to do?
I flushed 2 more times, the paper went around and down but not the turd! I was panicing...but, ya know, it was pretty firm so,
I carefully picked it up out of the bowl and threw it out the window.
Well, what else was I going to do?? I couldn't just leave it there, she would find it! Anyway, now everything was cool, problem solved! The sex was great and we fell asleep, whew...
Until, the morning when we got up!
Her dog needed to go out, so she let it out. Wouldn't you know, the temp. dropped that nite and the turd froze solid and the damn, stupid dog picked it up and brought it inside, right into the room where we were. I was like, "holy sh-t" look at that!
Well, she freaked, I was bustin at the seams and the dog was in trouble.. Wow, that was close.. I still laugh every time I think of this.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Bleeding Aussie!

Editors note: This came from a squeamish young reader in Perth, Australia:
My worst date was with this guy when I was 16 and he took me to a movie and dinner.The movie was great but I got a bit of popcorn stuck in my teeth, at dinner before our food arrived, so I went to the bathroom to got it out. When I went back out we were talking and he told me my gums were bleeding (I hate blood).So I got a tissue, wiped my mouth and , after seeing the blood on the tissue, fainted!... we never went out again

Monday, September 11, 2006

Mr Clean

A guy was desperate for a second date and offered to come round to clean my house because he saw I was home on MSN. I ended up with a beer in my hand watching sport on the telly while he finished the kitchen. It was hell.
Actually, it was, he ended up stalking me.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Short,& Stinky

It was a blind date. set up by a friend. I wish I never done it.
This short stinky wacko old guy showed up at my friends house to pick me up I thought I faint. I was wearing a short skirt and it took me 5 minutes to get on his truck.. they guy was so tiny you couldn't even see him driving that big truck. we even got pulled over by a cop . we ended up going to this club where they had billiards. so I insisted on playing a game since I didn't feel comfortable dancing with a midget whose eyes were sitting on my boobs. So we ended up playing pool and I found this girl next to us and hooked him up with her. She was very happy so was I .finally leaving this disasterous blind date. Don't go on blind datesQ!

Monday, September 04, 2006

Got A Bad Date Story?

Great! Can we have it? Please add it to the collection either by posting it in the comments section below or e-mail it to us at: We may edit it for content, all names will be changed to protect the innocent and we may publish it in other media in addition to this blog.
In the meantime, if you thought your date was bad, check out our archives. It's chock full of romantic tales like "If The Spew Fits" , "Who Doesn't like A Little Head?" and of course the very rude (but funny) "Thankyou For Coming"...ah, romance sniff,sniff...makes me a little misty.

Caught In The Headlights

Editors Note: I bet it was him!
Before I start, I want to make clear that this story isn't about me!
Back in my high school days I had a couple of buddys that were out cruising one night. Where I live is the county seat so alot of people from smaller towns came here on weekends. Back to story. My buddys picked up some girls from another town. They eventually went parking on a old dirt country road. My buddy in the backseat had to go to the bathroom #2 ! He told them he had to take a pee so he got out. Well a storm was trying to blow in that night. It was real dark because of the cloud cover, the wind was blowing, then it happend !! The lighting flashed, it of course lit everything up, well there was my buddy about 30 feet in front of the car looking right at them, TAKING A DUMP!!The other buddy that was there, said they were all in pain from laughing so hard.

Saturday, September 02, 2006


I had a friend that was engaged to an amazing good looking young man who had come from Italy and lived in this country (US) for like 10 years. Part of his family had stayed in Italy. My friend said her fiancee's brother was coming to the US and asked if we could double date.
I figured, what did I have to lose? The fiancee was hot and the brother was right from Italy--how romantic!
Well the fiancee had gotten all the looks and his brother spoke NO english and I spoke NO Italian. Plus the brother kept this very learing look going all night while he hung all over me, pawing at me and saying "kabeesh" (I'm not sure it's the right spelling but it means understand?) We went bowling and he even kept coming up behind me and putting his hand on my rear, rubbing it and saying one point he startled me so much I dropped the bowling ball on my foot!
So I got a broken toe and had to go to the hospital. Guess who kept grabbing my foot and trying to kiss my toe? God what a HORRIBLE night.......

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Double Trouble

A guy who worked in the office next door asked me out for dinner and drinks after work. I met him outside the building after work, and, chatting merrily, hopped in his car. Halfway there, he tells me he has to pick someone else up too... we get there, and it's another chick.
We all had a laugh about it and decided to skip dinner and go straight to the club for drinks, where I met his sister (who was great fun). His "other friend" complained of a headache, so he said he was going to give her a lift home. I was abandoned! His sister (who had adopted me) said not to worry, I could get blind drunk with her and crash at her place... which happened to be next door to her brother (they had bought adjoining apartments in an apartment complex).
Anyway, we went back to her place and saw his car there, so we decided to pop in and call him a stopout for not coming back to the club. She had a key and we snuck in because the lights were off. We snuck up to his room and yelled "surprise" as we switched on the light.
WELL! There were two in the bed! They were on opposite sides of the bed with their backs to one another, both looking VERY dissatisfied.
His sister and I ran back out, laughing hysterically. We went back to the club and found a couple of likely lads to keep us warm for the night.
In the morning, I knocked on his door and asked him if he could give me a lift home... and he did... ha ha ha ha ha!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Long Flowing Hair

My friend went out with a girl that he'd met through one of those on-line dating sites.
They'd written back and forth, felt like they had a lot in common so finally made plans to meet for dinner at Outback. He first saw her in the parking lot, she looked really cute, just like her picture.Conversation flowed well and as the hostess led them to the table my pal was really pleased.Trying to be a gentleman he helped her off with her jacket, pulled out her chair then sat down across from her. She was dressed nicely,
full red lips, big brown eyes, low cut dress , nice cleavage from between which protruded a very few LONG, WIRY, BLACK CHEST HAIRS!
For the rest of dinner, as much as he tried, he couldn't keep his eyes of her chest, not her boobs, but those four or five wiry, dark shafts poking out between them! On most guys list of dating deal-breakers, chest hair is definately one of them. But my buddy didn't have to wait long to end this relationship. The next morning he recieved a terse e-mail from her saying how uncomfortable he made her feel (staring at her chest)
and that she didn't want to see him again.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

What's Your Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.


I was at a singles weekend with my friend Joan when I
met George. He wasn't my usual type but I figured I'd
give him a chance. Back in the city he called to ask
me to dinner. In a time where most first dates are
just drinks or less, I thought it was nice. But in
all of Manhattan he tells me to meet him at a place in
harlem, incredibly inconvenient for me, (an
east-sider) yet very convenient for him as he worked
nearby. I thought that was a bit rude, but went with
it. I meet him at a family style Italian place which
was fairly inexpensive, but I was OK with it, I love
Italian food and family style is always fun (although
usually better for groups, but whatev).

As I'm scanning the giant menu boards on the wall, he
shoves a paper flyer at me and tells me I must order
from their price fixe menu, which is even cheaper than
the regular food (which is only about $10-$15 per
dish). I was annoyed that the dish I wanted (Penne
ala Vodka) wasn't on it, but I agree. Then I'm
scanning the price fixed menu and he says "I think we
should have the Chicken Scarpariello." I nod to
acknowledge that I heard him but keep looking to see
what our other options are, (as it's family style, we
would be sharing 1 dish) but he keeps saying it over
and over, "I really like the chicken scarpariello. I
think we should get that. They make really good
chicken scarpariello..." So I finally agree realizing
that he doesn't care what I want to eat so Chicken
Scarpariello it is.

Dinner was nice enough and the check comes and it was
under $20, literally. Now I usually offer to split it
but being that a) I went out of my way to go to him,
b) we ordered what he wanted, not what I wanted and c)
it was so darn cheap, I chose not to even offer. So
he's sitting there looking at the check and hesitating
and looking at me and back at the check... I think he
was actually waiting for me to offer to split it!
Like he really needed my $10 (quick aside, I was in
my mid-20s and he in his 30s, hardly starving college

He finally pays the check and we leave. I want to
head home and he says he's going my way. As I'm about
to stick my arm out for a cab, he says something like
"Do you have change for the bus?" Yes, he intended to
see me home from our first date on the bus! (Note:
this was before the days of MetroCards so you needed
exact change). I had no intention of riding the bus
home with my date so I said "no, we should take a cab.
Don't worry, I'll pay for it." So we hail a cab and
take it to my house, where indeed he let me pay for it
(the cab ride was almost as much as the whole dinner
check!). He got out with me and no doubt, took a bus
the rest of the way home. One lame date finally over.

But wait, there's more!

My friend Joan with whom I'd met our thrifty friend
George went to a singles party later that same week
and ran into George, where he proceeded to ask her
out! She was like "No, you went out with my friend
like yesterday." Was he kidding, asking out my friend
2 days later? So my friend Joan called to tell me
George had hit on her and I figured he'd had about as
much fun as I had on our date and either wanted to
send me some kind of FU message, or perhaps truly
wished he'd asked out my friend instead of me. But lo
and behold, a few days later he called to ask me out
again! When I told him no because I knew he asked out
my friend (I didn't mentioned all his other faux pas)
he was like "Really, was that wrong?" What guy
doesn't know NOT to ask out the friend of a girl he's
in the process of courting???? Idiot. And that was
last I ever heard from george.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Broken Heart and Busted Jaw

So I was w/this guy and we were both really good ice skaters. He used to play hockey and I had a shot at the Nationals for figure skating. Well we decided to go ice skating. Litterally 1 minute on the ice i turn around (trying to show off) and i fall flat on my face. (I hadn't fallen for 3 yrs so yeah it sucked) Well from the impact of the fall it split my chin WAY open and i needed 6 stitches. And when my chin hit the ice it snapped the right side of my jaw into two pieces. (my first broken bone) Well yeah i go to the hospital and he's all worried and when i went home the next day he brought me flowers blah blah, and 3 days later he broke up w/me. In my time of need. I missed like 6 weeks of school. It sucked soooo bad.

Monday, August 14, 2006

A Little Something To Remember Her By

I went over to her house, we were madly in love from the first time we saw each other - we thought we could wait and be patient and go through the proper channels like dating, going steady, and maybe moving in with each other. But the Sexual chemistry was mad, I showed up at her door in an expensive suit, we were meant to go out. Instead she pulled me in by the tie, Ripped apart my $200 suit, we made mad love to each other on the sofa, on the floor all over the place - Then she told me it was going too fast, and she needed her space. I have not seen her in 6 months. She also gave me herpes. That totally sucked.

A Date Ending in Handcuffs

Editors note: Normally I don't publish stories this short, but I can't help wondering if she was yelling "Call Me!" as he was being led away...
My date got arrested for urinating in public and got hauled away in handcuffs.
Good times.

Ken and the Anti-Barbie

I dated a Ken doll. He was perfectly dressed, manicured and had enough hair spray on his hair to keep it in place during a high wind. He was attracted to me because I was "natural" and "down to earth". First date was okay. By the second date, he's telling me what I should wear, recommending to me how I should do my hair (I'm sorry..long straight and parted in the middle is a problem?)...telling me I needed to wear makeup *ech*) on and so forth.
At the end of the date, I told him nicely that we really weren't suited, and explained why...he informed me that I just wasn't open to suggestions from someone who cared about me. He kept insisting...and I finally told him that if I went out with him again, I was just going to make him really angry. He told me I couldn't make him I messed up his hair...he got really angry ...and he never called me again.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

What's Your Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Hungry For Love... or Just Hungry # 2

My worst date; about a year ago... I was talking to this guy online and we agreed to meet the next morning at 7:30am for breakfast (I had to drop my son off at school and be to work by 9:00). morning comes and he calls me at 6:00; i was not even up yet--had :32 minutes before the alarm clock went off. He said he was in town and could I meet him now...obviously the answer was NO. I told him I had to get my son up and to school and could not drop him off any earlier then 7:15...he said ok; he would wait for me...ok...getting dressed he calls again and asks me if i was on my way yet (6:45) I said NO...he said ok......finish getting dressed at 7:00 he calls again and says he is getting hungry and wants to know how much longer... I say :30... he says ok..he will wait.....well 7:15 comes and he calls and says he just got finnished eating and he wants to know if Im on my way.. I said I was on my way and I asked him why he ate. He said he was hungry...I said well never mind then cus it was a breakfast date and who wants to eat infront of a date when they are not eating too.. he says NO comeone and we will meet and i will buy you stupid me, I went...met at the IHOP.. he was sitting there in jeans and a ripped T-Shirt and had 5 plates in front of him and just stuck the last piece of pancake in his mouth. I said...NICE OF YOU TO WAIT for me...he said he hadnt eaten in 2 hours and he was starving....(2 hours?)....well anyway... I ordered the fastest thing to eat on the menu and that was that....never saw nor talked to him again... He did try to email and messenge me a few million times (stalker?) but I just ignored him and he finally went away... and that is my story!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

What About Bob?

5 years ago, I worked with this woman who had a son a couple of years younger than me. He was incredibly good looking and was in school to be a doctor. She completely insulted me in front of myself and two of my coworkers one day by saying I wasn't "good-looking enough for her son". Fast forward 3 years. I had since quit the job and hadn't seen this woman in ages, when she calls me up out of the blue. "I have been thinking about this for months", she excitedly tells me. "But if you'd like a date I think I can arrange something!". I'm thinking to myself, wow, she really came around! All my hints about her son back then are finally paying off! "so," she continues, "I've already talked to him and I think you two would just be perfect together! I can't believe I let it go so long! I'll have 'Bob' call you!"

'Bob'?? Who the hell is 'Bob'? Her sons name is 'Dan'!

Turns out, 'Bob' is her gardener.

I'm still reeling from the fact that I am not good enough to date this woman's son, but apparently it is perfectly OK to date her gardener, when I meet up with 'Bob'.

He is easily 25 years older than me, receding hairline, glasses, golf clothes, the whole Senior Package. He talks NON-STOP. It is like the old joke "enough about me, tell me what you think of me". Out of the 90 minutes I was in this restaurant I think I spoke a total of 6 minutes. He gives me a photocopy of a painting he did of a baseball stadium as my gift. I can't even say what was the worst part of the date. The part when the waitress thought he was my dad, when he tried to kiss me outside on the street, or when I called this horrible ex-coworker woman up to ask WHY, oh dear god, WHY her response was: "Oh really? You think he's that old? Why I guess I never noticed! You see, I've never actually seen him without a baseball cap on."

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Olive Garden Casanova

I met this guy who seemed really nice. He asked me out for dinner at what he called a nice restaurant. I met him at the restaurant. He proceeded to order for us (I did pick my own salad dressing) and he decided we would split the entrees. When the food arrived he used his thumb and fork to split the food. It was veal parmagina and eggplant parmigaina. He slopped it between the two plates while spouting a bunch of crap about getting in touch with my inter child and how much fun we were going to have going fishing. You will be happy to know that he carries an extra pole in his trunk so it is at the ready. After the meal when the check came I put money on the tray and he told me it was on him and to just leave the tip. I insisted on paying my half plus the tip and that I had to leave. He picked up the money, shoved it in his pocket and put his credit card on the tray. He proceeded to skoot around in the booth pushing me into the wall under a cheap reproduction of Venice. He tried to start making out with me at eight on Saturday night in a family takeout. I told him I wanted to leave...he wouldn't budge. I insisted that he take the leftovers home. He wanted to show me his classic customized car. It was some American made piece of crap with fake leapord skin floormats. It was the worse 75 minutes I have ever spent in my life. He called everyday for two months saying we were meant to be together on my machine...thank God for caller ID. He showed up at my club and favorite after work haunts to surprise me. Finally, after several attempts to be civil and tell him I was busy I had to get rude. It was the worse hour and fifteen minutes of my life.

Saturday, July 29, 2006


Editors Note: This is an odd one. Ok, a cake as a gift on the first date is indeed an eccentric gift, but should she have slammed the door in his face? Then again, insisting he come inside and watch "her" eat some (not eat it together) made me think she made the right move...any comments on this one?

This was my first date with an ex-coworker of mine who'd been quite insistant on dating me for 2 years. I agreed once I had landed a different job, making my agreeance more of a pity date. But I had the bad luck to agree to a Valentine's Day Date.
He was "dropped off" by a friend in a rasping-against-the-ground junker, complete with 1 hubcap. He emerged from the car with a pink box. I didn't understand at the time, thinking perhaps it was some sort of gift box with flowers inside? I smiled, stood at my front door as his friend leaned out of the car smiling, car idling, which brought me to the unmistakable fear that he would be our "ride."
When he reached the steps, I noticed he was dressed from head to toe in blue. Blue jeans, blue polo and yes blue suede shoes. I cracked a nervous smile as he thrust the pink box into my arms. I wanted to open it later, but he said, "No open it now." I agreed, opened the box.
A heart-shaped red glazed vanilla cake that had pink candy hearts on top awaited inside.
I didn't know what to say. Who the hell brings a Cake to their date? Taking my stunned silence as speechless-in-delight, he leaned in and attempted to kiss me. I adverted my gaze and dropped my head, and his lips gnashed my cheek.
"My friend made it for me. He hooked it up- he works at a bakery," he said, again smiling. I nodded, feigned a smile over at his friend, who honked the horn impatiently. Then came the worst part.
"Why don't we go inside so you can eat some-" my date offered. I stared at him like he was an idiot and he said, "C'mon I'm not going to try anything. I didn't bring a fork."
I walked back in, with him in tow & abruptly slammed the door in his face and dropped the cake off on the counter of my kitchen. It was by far the most horrifying "date" I had ever had.
I relayed the store to my ex-coworkers afterwards, who then branded him "Cake Boy."

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Another Barf Story

Editors Note: After reading literally hundreds of bad date stories I've noticed that in quite a few of them, the date turns bad after someone starts do try to avoid it...and now the latest entry:
Definitely a bus tour, if you don't know what a bus tour is it is where a number of people book out a bus for the night, pay a flat rate then it entitles you to free beer,wine and soft drink. also surprise destinations to a number of night clubs. Being younger and stupid hadn't eaten had a few drinks (too Many) and with every destination we arrived was chucking up in the gutter, out the bus window and in the toilets of the night clubs. By the end of the night my dress had split, my underwear and my underwear was on show whilst my partner was trying to hold me up walking down a very popular mall. Have never done it again. not recommended.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

The On-line Dating Life

Thanks to our anonymous friend for telling us about these dating gems, if you have a true bad date story of your own, please share it with us by leaving it in the comment section below or mailing it to us at , thanks.
I am certainly not dissing online dating. In fact I have had some nice dates as a result. No one has really got my juices flowing yet but some dates have been real doozies. The great thing about online dating is pre-date you get the chance to read a bit about a person, learn likes and dislikes and usually before the date you talk on the phone to determine if you really would like to meet in person. Here are a few of the best of the worst real dates.

Contestant #1 – Invites me over for dinner and the Sopranos. This is our 3rd date so it wasn’t completely strange to be invited over to watch TV. I bring over two nice bottles of wine, since I am a polite guest. Well “dinner” ends up being a night of me watching him feed his pet python live rats. I should have taken my wine and ran away.

Contestant #2 – Proceeds to invite me out to lunch, then gets tied up at work and cancels. This happens three more times. He then calls on a Saturday night around 9PM and says he is close by and wants to drop in. I let him in. (mistake) He gets drunk and ends up passed out in my bed.

Contestant #3 – We talk on the phone and he seems nice enough, but he is 3 years younger than me and I do relate that I am a bit concerned about our age difference. He assures me that he is mature for his age and not to worry . We chatted on the phone about different restaurants in the city and he says pick any place in the city, he will take me. We agree on a tapas restaurant. I take the metro and meet him there. Conversation goes downhill pretty quickly when the topic turns to the fact that he is a pro at beer pong and flip cup. The check comes and I pull out my credit card. We split the check. I am not opposed to splitting a check at all, but the way he went on and on about “taking” me anywhere I wanted was laughable. He didn’t pick me or the check up. Where did he take me?

Contestant #4 – He was a very nice guy but he definitely lied about his height. I am a mere 5’3” and never even think twice about throwing on a pair of heels or tall boots when going out since most guys tower over me. I show up at the bar and I am seriously way taller than this guy. I have since learned that guys add at least two inches when stating height. Lying, even about height, will automatically excl ude you from date #2.

Friday, July 21, 2006

The First Three Words

This may be the shortest Bad Date Story we've ever published, but for a woman in her twenties, the first three words tell it all:
His mom drove. and paid.(Both in our twenties)
Pretty self explanatory. I wanted to die under a rock on mars.
-This is not my current boyfriend thank goodness-

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Return Of The Ex-man

I took a girl out to see Ray Charles in concert. She was a true hottie, and I was thrilled just to be with her. This was a first date for us and we were talking, getting to know each other better, and she mentioned she just got out of a relationship, where the guy dumped her for another girl, and she still had feelings for him. The concert began, and guess who walks up...the exboyfriend! There was one empty seat in the entire house as far as I could see, so he sits beside her, they start talking, and a couple of songs later his hand is on her knee, and a song after that their kissing, and after that song they leave together. Fortunately, this was Ray Charles in concert, and I sat there and watched the show. Hurt yes, but this was RAAAAYYYYY!! I ran into her a couple of weeks later and she didn't apoligize. A couple of years later I heard she was getting yet another guy.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Caught in The Headlights

Boy, oh, boy, I have so many! I guess I am quite an expert when it comes to dating horrible men. My absolute worst one was with this guy who let me wait for him in a restaurant for almost an hour. When he showed up, he told me that he was late because his ATM card broke in half when he tried to retrieve money. He asked me if I would mind if we postponed our date and when we walked out of the restaurant, said he wanted to talk to me for a bit. If I wanted to sit in his car with him for a while? So, there we were in his car. Then he told me that he had to take a pee and jumped out, walked right in front of the headlights, took out his you know what and took a long lavish leek. After jumping back in the car, he asked me if I would mind carrying his child, he would pay me for it. Do you think we hit rock bottom there? Naaah... I said: well, gee, you know what, I have to go and started to open the door and that was when he reached over and planted this disgusting, wet, garlic-reeking, prickly beard smackeroo right on my kisser. Needless to say, I didn't date anyone for about a year after that. Blech!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Nice Boy

I was set up on a blind date with this guy who a co-worker sweared was good looking. Yuh sure. To be nice, let's just say he wasnt my type, or anyone elses I know. Anyway, he picked me up in his mustang and kept staring at me from the corner of his eye. He shoulda been watching the road because he almost crashed like 3 times. I was nausous the whole time. All I kept thinking of was how to get outta this situation! OMG. His mom calls and we have to make a stop at his parents house before we actually go out. Its bad enough his parents crib?? Okay we get there and pretty much his whole family is there. Asking me questions like "So how long you been dating? Are you guys gonna be married? He's a nice boy you know..." LOL. I almost died in that living room. His older brother comes out of the bedroom to go to the bathroom and starts harassing me telling me to ditch his brother to spend one night with him!! What a sleaze. We finally leave and get to the movies. Of course on the way into the theater I see people that know me and I turn beet red trying to hide with the popcorn in front of my face. Oh, I pay for the date. It seems he's low on cash tonight. We get inside the theater and when the lights go out he leans in and touches my thigh....I throw up a little in my mouth. Then he makes a move. ALREADY?? Ugh...I dart away like frickin warp speed and tell him im gonna throw up. He asks if I would like him to console my pain?? I burst laughing and tell him I gotta go to the bathroom. What the hell do I do?!?! I walk out and he's outside the bathroom waiting for me! It seems he was sickly sweet. I tell him I puked and I need to go home. So we head out. The whole ride home was a talk about how his uncle and brother called to say that they would really like to see me pass by some time for family events. MHM...disgusting. Anyway, we pull up, I gag again as he leans forward to attempt to kiss me again. And step out walking very quickly as he stares at my ***....I watched him leave through my window, made sure the coast was clear called up my friends and headed out to for ten shots of vodka.'d think thats the end right?? Guess who walks through that bar door?
His uncle and brother...
What a night.
The next day I had call block service set up, and lots of tylenol

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Who Is That angry Woman? #1

My boyfriend and I went to the movies together. We started kissing, and this fat women and her husband, who were behind us, kept asking us to stop, because we were... Well... Anyway, I told the woman to (insertswearword)-off. When we left the theater the woman came up to us and shouted, "You're never to see this girl again!" It was my boyfriend's parents. They had been spying on us.

Who Is That Angry Woman ? #2

I have a bad date story. I had met this guy and we were talking off and on for about month but then we decided to go out to eat. We were sitting in a resturant and this huge woman came towards us screaming. I was so scared because she was so big and angry. After she calmed down I asked her what was wrong and she said that I was with her husband. I was so embarassed I quickly got up and ran out.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Rock Star

I met a guy on yahoo personals. (First mistake) We talked on the phone a few times and then met at a restaurant. He smiled (front tooth missing). It turns out he was at least 25 years older than I. Not wanting to be rude, I had dinner with him, where he proceeded to tell me that he was supposed to go on tour with AC/DC, but his truck broke down and they left without him, but not before stealing a song he had written. (No, he was not funning with me). He paid for dinner and then said let's go to a movie. Seeing no way out of it, I said OK. He said, I would have to drive since he didn't have a car. (Second mistake) We went to see Titanic. We get to the ticket counter and he said I would have to pay he was out of money. OK, I can live with that. But we get in the theatre and he starts quote Biblical scripture loud enough for the entire theatre to hear. I thought he was going to start a tent revival sermon when Kate Winslet's boob hit the screen. He then turns to me and says, "I feel like I've known you my entire life" At this point I excused myself to go to the ladies room and left his *** at the theatre.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

What's Your Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

Mr. Miami Vice

He was a fairly nice-looking guy, dark hair, 40-ish, except the top four buttons of his shirt were undone, exposing a decent amount of thick, curly chest hair, and he sported a fairly thick gold chain around his neck. I met him at a restaurant he chose. He said he knew the owner and that he got special meals prepared for him that weren't on the menu.
He ordered my meal for me without consulting me and was rude to the waitress.
Twice. His fancy, not-on-the-menu dinner arrived and looked just like steamed vegetables over rice. He said he just moved from Miami and started to brag about penthouse apartments, various boats, and trips around the world. He then mentioned how he was nervous because he was having his car shipped up here. He had never shipped a car before, but didn't
want to drive it and put all those miles on it. He's worried, what if something
should happen? My curiosity is now piqued after all his grand tales of wealth and success. What kind of car IS this? An antique? A Porsche? A Ferrari? Turns out his baby was a 1998
aqua-with-white-convertible-top Geo Tracker. The date was officially over when I said with a straight face, Huh. I always thought that to be a 16-year-old girls car.

Monday, July 03, 2006


Editors note: It took SIX dates to dump this guy?
My friend went out with this guy who told her some sob story about going through a divorce and that he was wealthy (he claimed to be some real estate big shot). Well, it turns out this guy said he had a car, but that it was in the shop (she never saw the mystery car). She had to drive him around on every date and he also wore the same outfit on every date (keep in mind that this was 6 dates over a 1 month period) . Then on one of the dates he asked her to stop at the ATM (it was one of the drive ups) and he couldn't take out any money because the account had less than $20 in it.
So one day he asked her out to the movies. She picked him up for the date (as always). When they were at the ticket window, he paid in QUARTERS for the tickets! He also paid in QUARTERS for the dinner, she offered to pay and he got angry with her. He was snappish with her the rest of the date. Then at the end of the date, asked her inside his house (he lived in a house with another guy and only had a TV and a mattress on the floor in his room). He actually wanted her to make out with him on the floor mattress after behaving like a jerk during the date. Thank God she declined and went home. She told me about the date the next day (she was so depressed). I made her see the humor in it (I told her that it was probably his laundry money - I mean the guy wore the SAME OUTFIT on every date) and it is now one of our favorite inside jokes (quarter man / rerun guy). LOL

Saturday, July 01, 2006


Got a Bad Date Story? GREAT! Can we have it? You can post it in the comments section below
or e-mail us at . Oh, and in case you missed it, check out "Stuck On You"
possibly one of the most embarrassing dates ever...but not the worst, you can find that one (if you're an's kinda rude) here :Worst Date Ever", Now c'mon, get writing, we need those stories!

Pukie's Tale

Ok, I was going out with this guy who was a supervisor at my work (not over me though) and he was SOOO hot, like my dream guy. he was buff and black and dressed so nice and was a couple years older than me and was totally hot. i was so excited when he asked me out. so we were going to go to a movie, but the earlier show was sold out so we went back to his appartment where all of his equally hot roomates were all hanging out. we were chillin around then his roomates decided to go get beer. (fyi i am a TOTAL lightweight and i only have to have like 4 beers before i am really really drunk) and when they got back i chugged a few beers and was gettin kinda buzzed and i chugged a couple more and before i could stop myself i turned around and threw up all over his model hot roomate. in front of my date, his hot friends, and everybody. the worst part was that i was too drunk to go home cause my family would freak out and i couldnt drive anyway so i had to stay there for like another 6 hours until my buzz wore off enough for me to drag myself into my room and go to sleep. the worst part was that he asked me out again and insisted that it wasnt that big of a deal and that it happened to everybody sometime. like an idiot i went out with him again and we stopped by his appartment and his roomates took one look at me and were like "hey its pukie!!! dude that was so gross! i hope your sober or i dont want you to come near me!" i was totally humiliated.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Crying Game

My first (and only) blind date could only be called a DISASTER. I had broken up with a man after fourteen months together, and was thoroughly miserable. My friend convinced me to have a drink with another man she knew, who had split with his woman a few weeks earlier.
Well, we were small talking, and it so happened he had lived in my BF's home town - incredibly, over 1,300 miles away. A coincidence. He was a corrections officer - incredibly enough, the warden of my BF's cell block when he was a young trouble maker years earlier. Another striking coincidence. ( He remembered my BF well, too. ) Tipping the scale, he showed me a tattoo he'd gotten recently - you guessed it, unbelievable coincidence number three!
Well, it all reminded me of BF, and as nice as this man was, I'd had enough. I open my mouth to tell him so, and before I say a word, he bursts into tears! Tears! He apologised, said he couldn't see another woman so soon after his split. He loved his GF, and never wanted to be apart. Naturally, I'm already fairly upset myself at this point, and couldn't help it - I started to cry as well.
Yep, worst date ever.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Mr Weeble

Editors Note: i used to work in radio and ALL the on-air personalities are either crazy, hideous, morbidly obese or sometimes all've been warned!
I had a guy friend online who seemed pretty smart and funny. He said he was a DJ at a radio station. We progressed to talking on the phone, and he had a GREAT voice . . . duh, he's on the radio!
We shared our deep, dark secrets and some sexual innuendo. I confessed that I have the hoarding/collecting form of OCD. He confessed at last that he had a food phobia, or an eating phobia. He told me the name of the disorder, but I've forgotten. The best I could understand it was that he had a phobia of solid food and a phobia of eating in public. I was like, okay, haven't heard of that before, but everybody has their something, you know?
Finally, he and I arranged to meet at a town between our two cities, at a restaurant, with the understanding that we would have a beverage and go from there. Oh, by the way, he has seen a photo of me. I have not seen a photo of him. I get there first and sit and wait. When he walks in, (and I am being very kind here) he is grotesque. He is extremely tall and extremely obese, kind of bottom-heavy, like a Weeble (wobble but don't fall down). And OLD-looking. I forget how old he is, but not that much older than I. He looks like he could be my father. He is doughy, with odd bulges everywhere. Everyone looks at him when he comes in. I am mortified and a little bit sick at my stomach that I have been trading leers with this person online and on the phone. At the same time, I feel horribly sorry for him. I can't just get up and walk out. He looks hopeful and is trying, I presume, to look friendly. We sit for hours and hours and talk. He drinks numerous iced teas. I finally am starving and order an omelet after checking to see if that would bother him, to watch ME eat. I am 100% sure that I am not going anywhere else with this person, so we sit and talk and time drags on. Finally I have to excuse myself, as I have some distance to drive home. I tell him it was nice to meet him and, because I feel so guilty/sorry for him, I give him an awkward hug in the parking lot.
I avoid him online and on the phone. He eventually leaves me an anonymous obscene hate message on my machine--I know it's him. The voice!! And I am very, very nervous for months afterward, because my friend tells me that, with an e-mail address and phone number, anyone can find your home address easily.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Brownie Tooth Guy

Thank you so much to a fellow Chicagoan for this tale This was the first date I 'd had since moving to Chicago, six years ago. A stunningly beautiful coworker suggested it and her equally beautiful fiancé set it up at a restaurant downtown. When I arrived, another couple, a guy whose actual job was modeling, and his girlfriend that looked identical to the actress Kyra Sedgewick joined us. I thought, with four people this gorgeous, how can I go wrong? Well, then my date showed up. He came in sporting acid washed jeans and a Bill Cosby Original sweater. Thin as a drowned rat and with hair just as slicked back and greasey, he looked like Nicholas Cage had he been beaten and addicted to a narcotic for the past ten years. When he opened his mouth, the teeth were so crooked they appeared to grow in rows, like a shark. Turns out none of the four actually knew him; Kyra2 and the fiancé just worked with him. Despite the obvious unpleasantness of this first impression, I tried to be brave and give him the benefit of the doubt. As it turns out, he was rude, obnoxious and a moron too. He interrupted conversations, took food from my plate, and twice tried to grab my knee under the table. The date was officially over when he ordered the brownie sundae for dessert. Since he talked and guffawed with his mouth full I got a great view of brownie impacted between the rows. Tried to kiss me in the cab on the way home. The cab driver laughed and said he never saw a bigger dumbass in all his life.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

What's Your Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

Prom Story senior prom...
I went with a boyfriend and we drove an hour to our dinner reservation - which was awful. We had purchased a prom package deal for maybe 100 bucks - virgin drinks, dinner, dessert, a picture. They were out of dessert and the picture was a polariod.
We were late leaving the restaurant so the photographer was getting ready to leave and we had to call a friend to get him to convince the photographer to stay so we could have our pictures made. We drove the hour back - in the pouring rain ( by the way I couldn't even get in or out of his truck without a step-stool).
When we got to the prom everyone was trying to talk to us - asking us if we had heard the news... My date's house had caught on fire!!! We went and had our pictures made and went to see the remains of his house. It was crazy..He was supposed to host the after-party at his house but obviously that had to be changed...yeah, that was a pretty bad night for dating.

Friday, June 16, 2006

A Very Long Drive To a Very Short Date!

An old friend from high school and I had been corresponding for six months, when we finally got to meet up again. I drove 650 miles checked into a motel (paid for it myself) and waited for him. When he arrived he threw me on the bed and tried to make love to me. Unfortunately he couldn't uh, let's say "rise to the occasion". He then went into the bathroom put his clothes on and walked out the door. As he was walking out I asked what was wrong he said "this is not going to work" and left. After anticipating this for 6 months you can imagine what a bummer this was.
Editors note: When he said "This is not going to work" was he looking down?

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Bible Guy

I have quite a few bad date stories. But the one that takes the cake was the first guy I dated after my divorce 3 years ago. I decided to be proactive and try the online dating format. I corresponded with this guy for about a week and he asked me out. I had not seen a photo (bad move on my part) but agreed to dinner. When I called him to confirm our date I got this really odd voice mail message that made reference to some obscure bible passage. Now, please understand that I'm not what you would call religious. My profile clearly referenced my musical tastes and what you would call "new age" interests While I thought the voicemail thing a bit odd, I tried to maintain a positive attitude so we set up a time for us to go out.
The next night he picked me up at a friend's house and showed up in a mini-van. Immediately, my reaction was "omg, this is not good". I walked out to meet him at his vehicle and the inside looked like he lived in food remnants, sporting goods, etc.I knew this was no love connection but I tried to be a good sport and at least make it through dinner. We went to a local restaurant where he started to spout off his very fundamentalist religious rhetoric. He told me that "the government" has already developed "mobile execution stations", I think he meant that these are like the emissons testing vehicles but more sinister. Basically he said that the end of the world is coming and people who refuse to have a bar code/mark of the beast would be executed. He leaned into me and serious as a heart attack says "so, what are you going to do on judgement day? Are you going to take the mark of the beast?" Needless to say "mark of the beast" is looking more appealing by the moment. At this point, I'm thinking that this date can't get worse...but low and behold it got much worse. There was a large group of people adjacent to us at this restaurant and were obviously celebrating a child's birthday. There were helium balloons all over their table. My date summons the waitress with whom he had been relentlessly flirting with and says "can I ask you a favor"? Immediately I put two and two together and started praying "god please don't let him do what I think he is about to do"! You guessed it...he procured a balloon and managed to suck helium and do his best Alvin and the Chipmunks impression. I started inhaling my dinner in the hopes of getting out of there ASAP. He managed to get the attention of the entire restaurant and then asked me out again for the next night. I told him my to take me home and politely declined further dates.
After this fiasco I realized that dating takes a lot or work and a lot of humor. I started giving my dates silly little nicknames. This guy was affectionately called "Jesus Boy" by me and my friends. This was one of many frogs I had to kiss. Some of the others were "college professor guy whose kitchen looked like a nuclear waste dump", "Yoga instructor that looked like Yoda" and "transvestite dude" (you figure that one out)! and countless other potential suitors. I'm happy to say that I finally did manage to find a great guy and we both like to laugh about my very laughable dating exploits!

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The Pecker Shaper

I went out with a fellow who was on the shy side. ( put mildly) How he got the courage to ask
for date in first place was beyond me, but he did. So what made it a bad date?
In the restaurant we were seated at a table that had the salt shaker,
but no pepper shaker. He happened to want the pepper, but when the waitress
came by, he got tongue tied and asked her for the "pecker shaper". He became so
embarrassed that he got up from the table and disappeared. So there I was, with no
date at all. That makes a bad date, right?

Saturday, June 10, 2006

What's Your Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

Who Doesn't Like A Little Head?

Editors note: On weekends I'm going to start reposting some of the classic bad dates from the past months, hope you enjoy this one.
In a moment of temporary insanity, I decided to join an online dating site. So this guy emails me, and boy, he was totally hot. Young, thick dirty-blond hair, buff...but that was a problem. He was 10 years younger than me. Being a single mom, I'm particular about who I will date. It's not just me anymore, you know. I have to consider who it is I may potentially bring into my child's life. Anyway, he tells me that since he has a eight-year-old, he doesn't see the age difference being a problem. Okay, so we meet. Well, if he hadn't walked right up to me at the restaurant, I would not have recognized him. Yep, he was buff, all right, but his head was not in proportion to his body. It was TINY. The movie Beetlejuice came to mind, with the shrunken-head guys. His cheeks were sunken in. The thick dirty blond hair was actually thin, unkempt and sun-bleached white (I HATE that). No thick, kissable lips like in his picture; his mouth was a thin gash, and he had BRACES. I was still reelng from that shock, when, in the course of our conversation, he admitted that he'd lied about his age. He wasn't 27, he was my age. Anyway, I made it through lunch and mumbled something about possibly getting together over the weekend. Normally I'm really upfront about my feelings if I'm not interested, but I really was just speechless at the whole thing. Later, I emailed him (I know, lame) that I couldn't see him anymore because he had lied. So began his email campaign of totally dissing me, calling me every name in the book and insisting that he didn't lie to me, he just withheld the truth until we could meet in person. And even though I'd told him that I hadn't dated in a while, he kept saying I was trying to pin him as a liar just to cover the fact that I had "too many dates to handle." Whatever.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The Stalker Guy

Editors Note: One of my favorite blogs is "OystersnBeer" by SadieLady. Go check it out. I thought I'd already stolen all of her bad date stories, but today found one that I'd apparently overlooked I grabbed it, enjoy.
One Halloween, while out with some friends, I met a bartender dressed as a fireman. He had the hat and the red suspenders, over a bare chest of course. And probably some pants and boots too; I just remember the bare chest. Anyway, we flirted some, and when I finally went home that night I had given him my phone number. I ended up meeting him out for drinks one night soon after that. We talked, had a couple drinks; it was nice. Well the next day I received a huge bouquet of flowers from him. And while yes, it's always nice to receive flowers, sometimes it can also be a bit of a bad feeling too, like when it's from someone you do not want to be sending you flowers or, in this case, from someone you think just did way too much too soon.

All my friends thought it sounded exciting that a guy had sent me a huge bouquet of flowers after spending only a few hours getting to know me over drinks though (did I mention most of those friends were either married or in seriously long relationships and got vicarious thrills from my dating stories?), so I brushed off the paranoia and decided to go out with him again. On the second date, though, I heard the story of his divorce. Yes, he was divorced, and it turned out he had 2 kids to boot. Wow. Twenty-something single me was really not digging finding out that this guy, though cute and nice, was divorced with two kids. And the story wasn't pretty, because it involved a custody dispute, an ongoing one. Seriously, at one point I think I saw a tear in his eye. So, much as I sympathized for the guy, no way was I going to go out with him, I thought to myself.

So here's where the constant phone calls start. And I admit that at first I could've had a hand in making things turn out differently, but I didn't. See, that first time I talked to him again after the second date, I was very polite and all, and when he asked me out again, I said no, but I made it an I'm-saying-no-because-I-have-other-plans-for-those-nights-already no, not an I'm-saying-no-because-I'm-not-interested-so-don't-call-again no. So he kept calling. And by calling, I'm talking trying-to-call-you-all-day-long kind of phone calls. The day these phone calls started happened to be a day I went out with some friends after work, so I didn't get home until kind of late. And when I got home, there were 2 messages from him. Plus the caller ID showed he had called another couple times and not left a message. And I would have called him back, but then the phone rang right while I was looking at it, thinking how weird it was that he had called 4 times in one day. And the caller ID of course showed his name. And again, there was an opportunity where I could've prevented future hideousness by just picking up and telling him I didn't want to see him again, (nicely of course), but I was so irked that he was calling a 5th time in one day, after only 2 dates, that I let it ring. And I sat there and listened to him leaving a third message.

The next day I got home from work and found 2 more messages. Which I did not return. Again, just too irked to deal with it. And then the next day, I got a phone call from him at work. He called while I was on my lunch break, so I got the message from our receptionist. And shortly after I returned from lunch and got the message, he emailed me. At my work email. To say that he had called at lunch and left me a message. As if I wouldn't get it. I mean, dude.

So the following days the phone messages were just crazy. All upbeat; the guy was still trying, still convinced I was going to pick up one of these times and say "yes, let's go out tonight!!" Let's see; one message I remember getting said "I had a thought that you've probably been out of town the last few days. So hey, call me when you get back and get my messages." And then, "Hey, is your machine working? So, call me." Etc.

And then he called me again at work, and this time he actually caught me. He didn't mention anything about the fact that I had not returned 27 phone calls (yes I did keep track, and no I'm not exaggerating; believe me, my friends and I spent much time talking about this while it was going on. well, me talking and them mostly laughing their asses off, choking on their food over lunch while I tallied up the previous day's calls, that kind of thing). And in my tally I was keeping track of the times caller id showed he had called, but he didn't leave a message. And still not an entire week had passed since our 2nd date. So anyway, back to him catching me on the phone at work: that was creepy. For me, anyway; for him, it was apparently very pleasant, with little to no awkwardness. He actually said that the reason he was calling me that time was to tell me that he was graduating from the fire academy that week. (Yes, he was a fireman at Halloween, and meanwhile training to actually be a fireman ... whatever.) Like I would be really interested in knowing that. So I basically responded to him as curtly as I could, trying to make it clear I did NOT want to be talking to him, but he had called me at work, and I worked near people who could and did overhear (eavesdrop on?) all my conversations, and this is not a conversation I wanted people to overhear. But I thought I got my point across real clear, and I was essentially rude to him in the manner in which I ended our conversation. So rude that I was really not expecting to hear from him again.

Which is when he decided to show up at my place of work one day.

Yep, that's right. Luckily again, I was at lunch with friends when he came. But I could. not. fucking. believe. it. So I drilled the receptionist: what did he say? how did he seem? Well, apparently he was in a great big good mood. And he had a friend with him. He explained to the receptionist that he had just graduated from the fire academy that morning, he and his friend decided to go out to lunch to celebrate, and the lunch place just happened to be right across the street from my office, so he thought he would just drop by. Ok, where I was working at the time, the only restuarant right across the street was a bagel sandwich shop. Seriously? You just happened to have your celebratory yea-we-graduated lunch at the bagel sandwich shop? Man.

And here's the real kicker, at least this is the part of the story that really made my friends blow snot out of their noses from laughing so hard whenever I told the story of my stalker: he actually told the receptionist that he stopped by after his lunch that day because he wanted me to see him in his uniform. I don't even know what the fuck to say to that. (And I did ask the receptionist about the "uniform," and she said "I could hardly tell it even WAS a "uniform.")

Thankfully, though, that was the last I heard from him.

Oh, except for the following year, when I went out with a bunch of friends on New Years Eve and we ended up at that bar where I had initially met the guy, and he was working, and he was giving me dirty looks, and he had to take my drink order, and he brought me the wrong drink. And when I said "I didn't order a screwdriver, I ordered a vodka tonic," he said very nastily "well SOMEBODY over here ordered a screwdriver." Then he interrogated everyone around me about what drink they had ordered. No one had ordered a screwdriver. He mumbled under his breath, made me a vodka tonic (I watched carefully as he made it to make sure he didn't spit in it or anything), then glared at me with a bright red face of hatred when he put it on the bar in front of me.

Ah, it's so much fun to look back on dating experiences. Really makes you want to get back out there and date again.