Saturday, August 26, 2006

Double Trouble

A guy who worked in the office next door asked me out for dinner and drinks after work. I met him outside the building after work, and, chatting merrily, hopped in his car. Halfway there, he tells me he has to pick someone else up too... we get there, and it's another chick.
We all had a laugh about it and decided to skip dinner and go straight to the club for drinks, where I met his sister (who was great fun). His "other friend" complained of a headache, so he said he was going to give her a lift home. I was abandoned! His sister (who had adopted me) said not to worry, I could get blind drunk with her and crash at her place... which happened to be next door to her brother (they had bought adjoining apartments in an apartment complex).
Anyway, we went back to her place and saw his car there, so we decided to pop in and call him a stopout for not coming back to the club. She had a key and we snuck in because the lights were off. We snuck up to his room and yelled "surprise" as we switched on the light.
WELL! There were two in the bed! They were on opposite sides of the bed with their backs to one another, both looking VERY dissatisfied.
His sister and I ran back out, laughing hysterically. We went back to the club and found a couple of likely lads to keep us warm for the night.
In the morning, I knocked on his door and asked him if he could give me a lift home... and he did... ha ha ha ha ha!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Long Flowing Hair

My friend went out with a girl that he'd met through one of those on-line dating sites.
They'd written back and forth, felt like they had a lot in common so finally made plans to meet for dinner at Outback. He first saw her in the parking lot, she looked really cute, just like her picture.Conversation flowed well and as the hostess led them to the table my pal was really pleased.Trying to be a gentleman he helped her off with her jacket, pulled out her chair then sat down across from her. She was dressed nicely,
full red lips, big brown eyes, low cut dress , nice cleavage from between which protruded a very few LONG, WIRY, BLACK CHEST HAIRS!
For the rest of dinner, as much as he tried, he couldn't keep his eyes of her chest, not her boobs, but those four or five wiry, dark shafts poking out between them! On most guys list of dating deal-breakers, chest hair is definately one of them. But my buddy didn't have to wait long to end this relationship. The next morning he recieved a terse e-mail from her saying how uncomfortable he made her feel (staring at her chest)
and that she didn't want to see him again.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

What's Your Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.


I was at a singles weekend with my friend Joan when I
met George. He wasn't my usual type but I figured I'd
give him a chance. Back in the city he called to ask
me to dinner. In a time where most first dates are
just drinks or less, I thought it was nice. But in
all of Manhattan he tells me to meet him at a place in
harlem, incredibly inconvenient for me, (an
east-sider) yet very convenient for him as he worked
nearby. I thought that was a bit rude, but went with
it. I meet him at a family style Italian place which
was fairly inexpensive, but I was OK with it, I love
Italian food and family style is always fun (although
usually better for groups, but whatev).

As I'm scanning the giant menu boards on the wall, he
shoves a paper flyer at me and tells me I must order
from their price fixe menu, which is even cheaper than
the regular food (which is only about $10-$15 per
dish). I was annoyed that the dish I wanted (Penne
ala Vodka) wasn't on it, but I agree. Then I'm
scanning the price fixed menu and he says "I think we
should have the Chicken Scarpariello." I nod to
acknowledge that I heard him but keep looking to see
what our other options are, (as it's family style, we
would be sharing 1 dish) but he keeps saying it over
and over, "I really like the chicken scarpariello. I
think we should get that. They make really good
chicken scarpariello..." So I finally agree realizing
that he doesn't care what I want to eat so Chicken
Scarpariello it is.

Dinner was nice enough and the check comes and it was
under $20, literally. Now I usually offer to split it
but being that a) I went out of my way to go to him,
b) we ordered what he wanted, not what I wanted and c)
it was so darn cheap, I chose not to even offer. So
he's sitting there looking at the check and hesitating
and looking at me and back at the check... I think he
was actually waiting for me to offer to split it!
Like he really needed my $10 (quick aside, I was in
my mid-20s and he in his 30s, hardly starving college

He finally pays the check and we leave. I want to
head home and he says he's going my way. As I'm about
to stick my arm out for a cab, he says something like
"Do you have change for the bus?" Yes, he intended to
see me home from our first date on the bus! (Note:
this was before the days of MetroCards so you needed
exact change). I had no intention of riding the bus
home with my date so I said "no, we should take a cab.
Don't worry, I'll pay for it." So we hail a cab and
take it to my house, where indeed he let me pay for it
(the cab ride was almost as much as the whole dinner
check!). He got out with me and no doubt, took a bus
the rest of the way home. One lame date finally over.

But wait, there's more!

My friend Joan with whom I'd met our thrifty friend
George went to a singles party later that same week
and ran into George, where he proceeded to ask her
out! She was like "No, you went out with my friend
like yesterday." Was he kidding, asking out my friend
2 days later? So my friend Joan called to tell me
George had hit on her and I figured he'd had about as
much fun as I had on our date and either wanted to
send me some kind of FU message, or perhaps truly
wished he'd asked out my friend instead of me. But lo
and behold, a few days later he called to ask me out
again! When I told him no because I knew he asked out
my friend (I didn't mentioned all his other faux pas)
he was like "Really, was that wrong?" What guy
doesn't know NOT to ask out the friend of a girl he's
in the process of courting???? Idiot. And that was
last I ever heard from george.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Broken Heart and Busted Jaw

So I was w/this guy and we were both really good ice skaters. He used to play hockey and I had a shot at the Nationals for figure skating. Well we decided to go ice skating. Litterally 1 minute on the ice i turn around (trying to show off) and i fall flat on my face. (I hadn't fallen for 3 yrs so yeah it sucked) Well from the impact of the fall it split my chin WAY open and i needed 6 stitches. And when my chin hit the ice it snapped the right side of my jaw into two pieces. (my first broken bone) Well yeah i go to the hospital and he's all worried and when i went home the next day he brought me flowers blah blah, and 3 days later he broke up w/me. In my time of need. I missed like 6 weeks of school. It sucked soooo bad.

Monday, August 14, 2006

A Little Something To Remember Her By

I went over to her house, we were madly in love from the first time we saw each other - we thought we could wait and be patient and go through the proper channels like dating, going steady, and maybe moving in with each other. But the Sexual chemistry was mad, I showed up at her door in an expensive suit, we were meant to go out. Instead she pulled me in by the tie, Ripped apart my $200 suit, we made mad love to each other on the sofa, on the floor all over the place - Then she told me it was going too fast, and she needed her space. I have not seen her in 6 months. She also gave me herpes. That totally sucked.

A Date Ending in Handcuffs

Editors note: Normally I don't publish stories this short, but I can't help wondering if she was yelling "Call Me!" as he was being led away...
My date got arrested for urinating in public and got hauled away in handcuffs.
Good times.

Ken and the Anti-Barbie

I dated a Ken doll. He was perfectly dressed, manicured and had enough hair spray on his hair to keep it in place during a high wind. He was attracted to me because I was "natural" and "down to earth". First date was okay. By the second date, he's telling me what I should wear, recommending to me how I should do my hair (I'm sorry..long straight and parted in the middle is a problem?)...telling me I needed to wear makeup *ech*) on and so forth.
At the end of the date, I told him nicely that we really weren't suited, and explained why...he informed me that I just wasn't open to suggestions from someone who cared about me. He kept insisting...and I finally told him that if I went out with him again, I was just going to make him really angry. He told me I couldn't make him I messed up his hair...he got really angry ...and he never called me again.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

What's Your Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Hungry For Love... or Just Hungry # 2

My worst date; about a year ago... I was talking to this guy online and we agreed to meet the next morning at 7:30am for breakfast (I had to drop my son off at school and be to work by 9:00). morning comes and he calls me at 6:00; i was not even up yet--had :32 minutes before the alarm clock went off. He said he was in town and could I meet him now...obviously the answer was NO. I told him I had to get my son up and to school and could not drop him off any earlier then 7:15...he said ok; he would wait for me...ok...getting dressed he calls again and asks me if i was on my way yet (6:45) I said NO...he said ok......finish getting dressed at 7:00 he calls again and says he is getting hungry and wants to know how much longer... I say :30... he says ok..he will wait.....well 7:15 comes and he calls and says he just got finnished eating and he wants to know if Im on my way.. I said I was on my way and I asked him why he ate. He said he was hungry...I said well never mind then cus it was a breakfast date and who wants to eat infront of a date when they are not eating too.. he says NO comeone and we will meet and i will buy you stupid me, I went...met at the IHOP.. he was sitting there in jeans and a ripped T-Shirt and had 5 plates in front of him and just stuck the last piece of pancake in his mouth. I said...NICE OF YOU TO WAIT for me...he said he hadnt eaten in 2 hours and he was starving....(2 hours?)....well anyway... I ordered the fastest thing to eat on the menu and that was that....never saw nor talked to him again... He did try to email and messenge me a few million times (stalker?) but I just ignored him and he finally went away... and that is my story!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

What About Bob?

5 years ago, I worked with this woman who had a son a couple of years younger than me. He was incredibly good looking and was in school to be a doctor. She completely insulted me in front of myself and two of my coworkers one day by saying I wasn't "good-looking enough for her son". Fast forward 3 years. I had since quit the job and hadn't seen this woman in ages, when she calls me up out of the blue. "I have been thinking about this for months", she excitedly tells me. "But if you'd like a date I think I can arrange something!". I'm thinking to myself, wow, she really came around! All my hints about her son back then are finally paying off! "so," she continues, "I've already talked to him and I think you two would just be perfect together! I can't believe I let it go so long! I'll have 'Bob' call you!"

'Bob'?? Who the hell is 'Bob'? Her sons name is 'Dan'!

Turns out, 'Bob' is her gardener.

I'm still reeling from the fact that I am not good enough to date this woman's son, but apparently it is perfectly OK to date her gardener, when I meet up with 'Bob'.

He is easily 25 years older than me, receding hairline, glasses, golf clothes, the whole Senior Package. He talks NON-STOP. It is like the old joke "enough about me, tell me what you think of me". Out of the 90 minutes I was in this restaurant I think I spoke a total of 6 minutes. He gives me a photocopy of a painting he did of a baseball stadium as my gift. I can't even say what was the worst part of the date. The part when the waitress thought he was my dad, when he tried to kiss me outside on the street, or when I called this horrible ex-coworker woman up to ask WHY, oh dear god, WHY her response was: "Oh really? You think he's that old? Why I guess I never noticed! You see, I've never actually seen him without a baseball cap on."

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Olive Garden Casanova

I met this guy who seemed really nice. He asked me out for dinner at what he called a nice restaurant. I met him at the restaurant. He proceeded to order for us (I did pick my own salad dressing) and he decided we would split the entrees. When the food arrived he used his thumb and fork to split the food. It was veal parmagina and eggplant parmigaina. He slopped it between the two plates while spouting a bunch of crap about getting in touch with my inter child and how much fun we were going to have going fishing. You will be happy to know that he carries an extra pole in his trunk so it is at the ready. After the meal when the check came I put money on the tray and he told me it was on him and to just leave the tip. I insisted on paying my half plus the tip and that I had to leave. He picked up the money, shoved it in his pocket and put his credit card on the tray. He proceeded to skoot around in the booth pushing me into the wall under a cheap reproduction of Venice. He tried to start making out with me at eight on Saturday night in a family takeout. I told him I wanted to leave...he wouldn't budge. I insisted that he take the leftovers home. He wanted to show me his classic customized car. It was some American made piece of crap with fake leapord skin floormats. It was the worse 75 minutes I have ever spent in my life. He called everyday for two months saying we were meant to be together on my machine...thank God for caller ID. He showed up at my club and favorite after work haunts to surprise me. Finally, after several attempts to be civil and tell him I was busy I had to get rude. It was the worse hour and fifteen minutes of my life.