Sunday, February 26, 2006

The Fantastic Four...Not !

This isn't actually a bad date, but a series of bad-dates-that-never-happened...and it goes to show how hard it is out there these days!
After taking a year off from the dating scene to re-prioritize my life, I began the New Year ready to "get back out there." The night before New Year's Eve, I stopped in the local haunt (read: dive bar) to play a little pool. A very handsome older gentleman approached me with this: "What are YOU doing in a place like this? You look like you should be behind the wheel of a Mercedes." Wink, wink. After a long night of drinks and conversation, we exchanged numbers and planned on going out to dinner later in the week.
New Years' Eve: at a club, I met the most handsome guy, who was from Ireland, not far from where my ancestors are from. Same thing-drinks, convo, dinner plans are made. Cool. Two dates after the drought.
New Year's Day: partying up a storm in the middle of the street with about 500 people, I see this man looking at me. I almost fell over, he was so hot. Long story short, we spent the whole day together and I was instantaneously in love. My birthday was in a week and he was going to take me out for dinner. I'm thinking, yee-haw, my first couple days back in the game and I'm rackin' 'em up!
The next day, as this wild city continues the party, my eyes connect with this guy who is performing in a street fair. I manage to give him my email address and we begin emailing that night. Okay, so you're probably thinking, four guys in four days, what a tramp! Well, as my grandma always said, "keep your options open."
Sooooo...did everyone call me? Yep, they sure did!
Bachelor #1: Admitted he was in a long-term relationship. "Can we still go out?" No.
Bachelor #2: Had just gotten engaged. "But can we still go out?"
Bachelor #3: Married. FOR 17 YEARS. "Can I still take you to dinner?" NO, MOTHERF#*@ER!
Bachelor #4: Living with his girlfriend for five years. "Can we..." Don't even try.
W H A T T H E F U C K ????!!!!
That was almost three months ago and needless to say, I have not gone out on a date since.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Surviving The Survivalist

A few years ago I went on a blind date.We met at a local restaurant for lunch.
We exchanged the obligatory information like what we do for a living, previous marriages, children, etc...
Unfortunately, we then began discussing politics. My date informed me that he had purchased a rural piece of land, bought several pigs and cows, lots of gold bullion, and had a completely stocked 'compound' that he could live from without worry for several years. This was, he said, because he felt that the end of the world was coming. OK...either than or the 'Russians aere coming'.Whatever.
I got up and left after he said, "You are just the kind of pretty girl I'm lookin' to have with me at the compound when the end of the world comes. I think you would be a lot better than those fat bitches I've been going out with."
See ya loser!

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Stuck On You...(or more specifically, your car)

Many thanks to Sexybaby for sending us this gem
We have all had bad dates... but this takes the cake. It tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. One night on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.Jay went into the audience asking about the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). and the couple, after all, had truly never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they headed home late that afternoon.While driving back down the mountain, the young lady gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. Since they were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.He stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow footing wasn't good, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and, being a real gentleman, refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly! cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." ..And you thought your first date was embarrassing.Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."

Saturday, February 18, 2006

Worst Date Ever

Looking for the "Worst Date Ever" story? Scroll down, it's at the bottom of the page, but wait, what about you? Do you have a Bad Date Story? We'd love to hear it!Please post it in the comments section below or e-mail it to me at: We may edit it for content, all names will be changed to protect the innocent and we may publish it in other media in addition to this blog. Hope to hear from you soon!

A Three Hour Torture...the Gilligan Saga

I had been really bummed out about an intense relationship that had ended a few months previously. On the advice of a friend, I perused some personals ads on a free site, and answered the ads of one or two guys who seemed interesting and above all, intelligent but also fun. One of them was "Bob". His ad was short but well-written and made me chuckle, so I wrote to him. He wrote back, we exchanged three or four longish emails, and I learned that he played guitar, worked in a library and was all around intellectually stimulating, well-read and a little adventurous, from various things he'd said (nothing overt, just how you can sense a person's personality coming through in various stories they tell). We wanted to seize the warm spring weather to go kayaking on a local river, but it suddenly turned cold and we decided not to risk it.
The metropolitan area we both live in has an awesome film festival every year, and this year was "From Beijing to Bollywood". As I've lived in both India and China, and was well-versed in the various films coming out of both countries and am interested in the arts in general, I invite him to attend an Indian arthouse film of limited release being shown. He seems artistically inclined as well so I figured it would be a good fit, and he was quite eager to go.
I was upfront with him that I am "curvy" (that means chubby, but not fat), and he was honest that he was rail-thin, and neither of us seemed to care. We exchanged pics. He seemed OK, in that I thought he might grow on me.
I had relatives in town that day and cut off my stay with them early to go to the theater to meet this guy, far away from a metro station but not impossible to reach by public transport. I suddenly had a very "bad feeling" about it all and wanted to be back with my fun cousins and uncles and aunts, sitting around the lobby bar of a fancy downtown hotel drinking, nice and arm and not out in the rain waiting for a bus to meet a guy I didn't even know.
I got to the theater a few minutes late and he was outside under the marquis. "You're late," he said, but I wasn't really listening. I was rather gawking - at the fact that he looked exactly like an anorexic Gilligan from "Gilligan's Island", which hasn't even been in reruns since I was a kid. HE WAS EVEN WEARING THE FISHERMAN'S HAT! Did he really think it was good to ACCENTUATE this? He was much thinner than he'd said, and that annoyed me because I'd been honest. I've dated skinny guys before and it wouldn't have been a problem if he hadn't lied, and only sent a head shot.
He had bought tickets - and by that I mean his ticket. "You better get yours, they said a minute ago they'd sell out soon, we don't want to miss the show. Especially because it's raining," he said to me.
Now I don't expect the guy to pay. When he does, that's nice and I take it as a compliment that I was worth it, and that he wants to impress me. But I won't make a big deal over paying my share and if I like the guy, I'd still see him again. But to KNOW I might not get a ticket, but still not buy it for me? Jeez. Id've offered to pay for dinner or something!
I saw some good friends of mine in the back, and really he and I were some of the only non-desis in the theater so it wasn't hard for them to spot me and wave me over. I went, said hi, explained I was actually with someone else but I'd catch up with them later. When I came back, I told him who they were and that I was really close with them, how it was nice to see them. "Hmph," he said. Okay...hmph.
After the movie, there's a question-and-answer session. I ask the director, in town as a special guest, a question. He just stares at me like I'm a freak. My friend's friend asks about the costume/makeup and how come the woman in the village had perfectly trimmed eyebrows, etc.. Sure, it was a silly question, but she did have a point. Even if she hadn't, I was really annoyed when my date whispered to me "Jeez, [I wish she'd] shut the hell up, how stupid is that..." A guy who doesn't know anything about Indian cinema to begin with!
"I didn't get any of that," he said as we left. "Kind of a boring movie." The director was within earshot. I tried to explain a few various themes to him, but he kept dismissing it with a harshly toned "I didn't see any of that. You're just trying to make excuses for a bad movie." OK, fine. You are free to think that and I am free to think you're wrong. But you could be polite about it...especially on a first date.
We go to eat nearby as he didn't drive in. Soaking wet, we sit down and order. It's a diner-type place so I get a chicken pot pie. "I thought you were a vegetarian," he said. "Why would you think that?" "Well, India, China...eastern know...lots of hippies go there, mostly vegetarians."" In fact Chinese cuisine is heavily reliant on meat, especially pork. It's very hard to be vegetarian in most of China." I went on a little more about how monks in China manage it and the various implications of the Chinese word for "vegetarian", figuring it was a good topic for intelligent discourse. "Well a lot of people have dietary preferences but there's no reason to go on about it. I don't care what you eat."Okkaaay...I was pissed now. "I was 'going on about' cultural mores, not just dietary preferences." We ate mostly in silence after that. On the metro back he turns to me and says "I had a good time. You seem like the sort of girl who can look forward to meeting new people on a whim, but I'm not. Even if I have fun, I don't always look forward to it. So I was pleasantly surprised. " Ummm....right. Bye. Fortunately he never called and I certainly didn't contact him.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Worst Date EVER!

Editors Note: When I first heard this story, I was skeptical. It was so horrifying, so painful, such a cruel twist of fate that I felt certain it couldn't be true. Since, as you know, we here at hold ourselves to the highest journalistic standards (cough, cough),
I actually did a little background investigation and apparently (with some minor variation) it IS true (the original, true story can be found in the book Emergency! by Mark Brown, M.D. published by St Martin's paperbacks) and so, without further ado, I am pleased to present
The tale begins with a well dressed young couple (lets call them Bob and Lisa) enjoying cocktails after a wonderful meal in one of the cities finest restaurants. The table was towards the rear of the half empty bistro and, feeling a little mischevious, Lisa smiled and slipped under the table to giver her beau a very special after-dinner treat. Bob felt his zipper being lowered by his frisky young sweetie and, as Lisa began to work her magic, Bob leaned back , smiled and sipped his wine." Ah", he thought, "life is good"... Now, unbeknownst to Bob, Lisa suffered from a condition which on very, very rare occasions would send her into a seizure, characterised by loss of consiousness, clenching and grinding of teeth accompanied by uncontrolled convulsions
Unfortunately, it was at this very blissful moment in Bobs life that cruel, cruel fate (we've all met that guy) decided to strike Lisa with just such a siezure. In the blink of an eye this dainty young girl, who had been so tenderly ministering to Bobs member, suddenly turned into a raging terrier from hell, eyes rolled back, head and body thrashing about uncontrollably, teeth now GRINDING, teeth now CLENCHING ... and Bobs weenie stuck right in the middle! So
( you have to forgive Bob for his next action because, after all, his weenie was being chewed off) at this point, our hero Bob, now mad with terror and pain, grabbed a salad fork and started jabbing at Lisa's head and tearing at her hair, in a frantic, but futile attempt to get her to release his tortured willie from her crocodile jaws. Eventually Lisa's condition subsided, she awoke and managed to transport herself and Bob to the local emergency room, where she was treated for multiple pucture wounds to the head and Bob had his uh, genitalia reassembled.
So what useful information can we gain from this story? First, although I have heard that some people, in the throughs of a seizure, should have something thrust
between their is very important that we choose wisely the object that we intend to use for this purpose and second, for any women that may feel pressured to "perform"
this act and not enjoy doing now have a nice bedtime story to read to your partner, perhaps accompanied with an involuntary eye tick :O)
Happy Valentines Day From THEBADDATE.COM !
Do you have a bad date story? Please add it to the collection either by posting it in the comments section below or e-mail it to us at: We may edit it for content, all names will be changed to protect the innocent and we may publish it in other media in addition to this blog.

Friday, February 10, 2006

The Jersey Guy

I tell guys up front that I don't drink in case that's important to
them. Nothing about morality -- it just makes me physically ill.
And I try to be openminded about bridge and tunnel people because I
realize that affordable apartments are scarce and not everyone can live
in Manhattan.
So when a guy from New Jersey asked me to go out on Friday evening, I
said sure. He was kind of cute and he assured me that he thought it
was great that I didn't drink.
His choice of where to go? South Street Seaport. For those of you
unfamiliar with the place, it's the most suburban feeling block in New
York City. It feels like one of those Jersey malls plopped down on the
edge of Wall Street, and it caters almost solely to tourists and
commuters. He wanted me to meet him at a bar there, which seemed like
an even stranger choice.
I found out why he thought it was the perfect place for our date --
because ladies got 2 drinks for the price of 1. He wanted to go there
so he could have me order HIS beer and he'd get them 2 for 1. This got
old really fast. Finally I suggested going back to Midtown and he once
again said he knew a great place -- Tommy Makem's, an Irish bar where
the drunken patrons actually sang "Danny Boy." I made up an excuse and
left on my own. Fortunately I was walking distance from home.
The next day he called and asked me to come out to Jersey -- for a keg

Thursday, February 09, 2006

About My V.D... (Valentines Day)

After getting out of a poisonous 5-year relationship, I began hanging out with a guy friend of mine whom I had known for many years. It naturally segued into a relationship. A couple months after we got together, it was Valentine's Day. Now, in my previous relationship, and in the 6-year one before that, I never had a good Valentine's Day. I would always get my hopes up for the romaticized vision of the day that the media throws in our faces, only to be disappointed time and again, or have the night end in disater. So when my new guy invited me to dinner at this country club, I declined. I was tired of getting disappointed. He begged and begged, promising me a wonderful evening. Still, I said no. I just wasn't into it. At 6pm on Valentine's evening, my bf called me from the club. He had taken his mom and aunt, both recent widows, to dinner. He said his mom insisted on my being there. What could I do? I quickly did my hair, put on some makeup and threw on a very sexy/classy dress and knock-em-dead heels and was on my way. Well, I hit some traffic on the way and by the time I got there, it was nearly two hours since he had called...still, I got caught up in the moment as I walked through the very beautiful lobby, full of flowers, laughter and classical music playing, as I spied my gorgeous, decked-out bf in the bar with a very large and stunning bouquet of flowers. "Oh, finally, for once I am going to have a nice Valentine's Day," I thought. So, I saunter through the dining room to the bar, all eyes on me as I leave a trail of Chanel No. 5 in the air behind me. I get to my bf, he hands me the bouquet, we go in for the kiss and........he promptly FALLS OVER DRUNK. His mom and aunt had left after an hour, taking his car, and he sat there sampling all of the specialty martinis while he waited for me. dinner, no dancing, I drove my drunk boyfriend home, then went home and cried into my roses. (Footnote: we ended up being together for more than a year, and he was the best boyfriend I ever had...till he screwed up again...)

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Three's Company

I had met this guy online and he seemed soooo cool when we spoke on the phone. He had a great personality and made me laugh. We met once and hit it off pretty well. Another night he invited me out to see a band (that he claims he manages) near his house. I drove out to see him and when I get there I realize that he lives with his mother at the age of 30!!! (Strike 1) He says to me that he invited some of his friends and that they would be there shortly. A few minutes later 2 girls show up one of which was married. Not a big deal, they actually turned out to be very nice. Next the singer of the band shows up and he offers him a something to drink and makes the singer tea. Doesn't ask anyone else if we want something. (Strike 2). So we go to see this band and when we get to the bar, which he obviously is a regular, he runs to the far end of the bar to get himself a beer. Not only does he not offer to buy me a drink, he doesn't even offer to order it for me being that it was a little crowded and the bartender was taking some time to get around to my order. (strike 3, 4). I was thankful that the other 2 girls were there because at least I had someone to talk to since this guy was running around like a kid that was without his ADD medicine and ignored me all night. (Strike 5)Unfortunately, I had too much to drink and would never drink and drive so I told him I was going to rest for a bit before I drove home. The married girl didn't feel comfortable driving either so she is going to crash. So all the while he is asking me if I had a good time blah blah blah....Of course I have to be nice and say of course becasue I didn't want to start anything and have to be in a situation where I would have to get in my car in the cold and wait it out to drive. So I lay down on his bed on top of the sheets with my jacket on because he is sitting on the couch with this other girl. At some point I wake up from them getting into bed next to me and they are obviously are fooling around. (Strike 6-106). With that I jump up and let myself out and go home...thankfully I had slept long enough for the alcohol to wear off. He actually called again and I let the VM pick up. He asked me out on another date. I mean WTF!?!?

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Got A Bad Date Story?

Got a Bad Date Story?We'd love to hear it!Please post it in the comments section below or e-mail it to me at: We may edit it for content, all names will be changed to protect the innocent and we may publish it in other media in addition to this blog. Hope to hear from you soon!

Biker Boy

This wasn't my bad date, but I witnessed it last summer. I'm stopped at an intersection and to my right is a guy on one of those extremely fast, japanese motorcycles. He's got a smoke in his mouth, raybans, dark hair covered bya bandanna (red and white to match the bike) and a very attractive Spanish looking girl on the back. He had a cocky half-smile and, to tell you the truth he actually appeared to be posing, anyway you could tell he thought he was pretty cool. As the light turned yellow, he whispered something to the girl and gunned the engine. With her holding on tightly, this idiot pops a wheely and rides the bike on one wheel through this very crowded intersection, or should I say half way through, because after about five feet the bike flips completely over and skitters across the road, sending pedestrians jumping to get out of its way ,with driver and girl crashing to the pavement. This guy was up in a split second, with fear etched on his face he raced to the side of his fallen baby and frantically checking her for injuries.While he attended to his love some pedestrians helped the girl up, she appeared unharmed, not that the idiot biker boy would have noticed.
As I drove away the guy was gently lifting his bike off the ground and still hadn't even looked at the girl, who was standing on the sidewalk, arms crossed and glaring.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Puker Story #3 (or is it #5?)

My bad date was the once and only time I went on a blind date set up by my friend when we were in our late teens. He was this bodybuilder type, totally arrogant, and obnoxious. In the car, (he was driving), he would crank the music up really loud when anyone would start to converse. All he talked about was his lats, and abs, and quads...and would interupt whenever someone would start talking to someone else about another topic.
Then we get to the bar we were going to. My friends' boyfriend was in the my "date" proceeds to get drunk and he was not a pleasant fun kinda drunk either. He kept grabbing me and pulling me up to dance, when I really did not even want to talk to the guy.....on the way out, (I ended up having to drive home)...he got sick all over the place...down the front of himself, then complained about my driving all the way back to my friends boyfriends' place.
Thank God he passed out and my friend and I took a cab back to her place and I never saw the guy again.
That stands out in my mind, because whenever someone would want to set me up, I would pass....bad bad date.

The Asian Playboy

So a few weeks ago, I went out with this 5"9 blonde, cute but not hot. She drove 90 minutes to meet up with me. We had drinks, dipped our feet in the jacuzzi, good times. We made out a few times too.
And then while we were exchanging qualities we like in the opposite sex (I like adventurous, sexy, affectionate women), she pauses for a moment to think after we kissed and said, "I only date 6"4, 200lb black men."
Mind you, I'm a 5"6, 140lb Asian Playboy.
She realizes what she just said and says, "You're not going to call me, are you?"

Worst Date Ever!

Don't Forget, The true story of The Worst Date Ever will be posted on Valentines Day, February 14th...don't miss it!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

The Neverending Date (or Thankyou Uncle Bob)

I once lived in a rather large, cool fun American city and this is my story. One day, out of the blue, I recieved a call from this girl I used to know in my home town. She had hung around, a buddy of mine so by osmosis, I knew her too, but I'd never have called us close, or really even friendly. Anyway, she was coming to town for a big regional meeting and could we get together for dinner? I agreed and plans were made for the date of her arrival a few weeks away. Then, days before her arrival, she calls again , her schedule's changed, she has to be in town a day early but her hotels booked...can she stay the first night at my I should point out that A) I never really liked her that much and B) Nobody is EVER allowed in my place because C) That would mean I'd have to clean up, plus D) Sorry, but on the "Babe" scale she's a solid 3.5...maybe four without my glasses. But I digress...Anyway, stupidly I agree and my fate is sealed!
She arrives, we go out to see the sites, drink too much, back to my place and drink some more.She makes a couple of moves on me and (no kidding) I resist. Anyway, she shows me her boobs and everyone knows that's like catnip to guys so we're off to a night of drunken bonking. Followed by sweet unconciousness.
Dawn breaks. I slowly open one eye, hoping it was all a horrible dream, but no, she's make-up, snoring, with strings of spittle webbed between the top and bottom lip of her open mouth. Fortunately I have to go to work. So I shower, shave , dress and just before I'm ready to sprint out the door, I poke the sleeping beast (no, I mean nudge with my finger) and say "Off to work, call me from the hotel"...Work all day, cell phone stays quiet, great, maybe she wants to forget it too! Take the bus home guessed it, she's still there! Plus, she'd picked up some salady crap for dinner ,was calling me sweetie etc...AND she'd cancelled the hotel so WE could spend more time TOGETHER!! That meant another TWO NIGHTS in my place before her flight left...So, off to the liquor store I went....I'll spare you the details, but the two days dragged, on and on. No matter how late I worked she was waiting at the door, all chirpy and annoying....and no mention of the "meeting"either! Finally, flight day arrives,
once again I nudge her "Off to work" I say "Have a nice Flight!" and dash off to Starbucks where I kill two hours before I actually have to be at work.
Workdays over, I'm so happy to be free that I'm whistling as I open the apartment door and
WTF...she's still HERE! She's POSTPHONED the flight cause she doesn't actually have to be home for TWO WEEKS!! Now I'm nervous, was there even a meeting? Was there really a flight?
Do I really need anything in this apartment or can I just run away and never look back? At that very moment fate smiled upon me...her cell phone rang, she answered and burst into tears... it was her Mom with sad news. Dear old Uncle Bob, her favorite uncle had passed away suddenly and she had to get back home IMMEDIATELY! Heavy with fake sadness, I drove her to the bus station and we parted.... my final thoughts are these THANKYOU TO THE GUY WHO INVENTED CALLER ID AND THANKYOU TO MOTOROLA FOR MY NEW CELL PHONE AND THANKYOU TO MY NEW LANDLORD FOR NOT PUTTING MY NAME ON THE MAILBOX BUT MOST OF ALL

Got A Bad Date Story?

Great! Can we have it? Please add it to the collection either by posting it in the comments section below or e-mail it to us at: We may edit it for content, all names will be changed to protect the innocent and we may publish it in other media in addition to this blog.
In the meantime, if you thought your date was bad, check out our archives. It's chock full of romantic tales like "If The Spew Fits" , "Who Doesn't like A Little Head?" and of course the very rude (but funny) "Thankyou For Coming"...ah, romance sniff,sniff...makes me a little misty.

Just a reminder. The true story of the Worst Date Ever will be published here on February honor of Valentines Day!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006


A friend of mine really had the hots for a college girl who worked part-time at the local convenience store. He would make excuses to go in there, just to lust after her. He finally, after a pep talk from yours truly, decided he would summon up the nerve to ask her out. He wore his coolest clothes, got up his nerve and swaggered in (my friend is 28 but this girl was HOT and he was nervous like a 16 year old) He strode up to the counter and looked her in the eye and said "I'd like to buy some cigarettes." She said "Can I see your ID?" He kind of gave a snort/chuckle and at that moment a large "greenie" flew out of his nose and onto her perfectly manicured hand that was on the counter. He turned and ran like hell, never to return again.

A Touching Story

The story goes as follows, we go and see a flick and I pay, we go to the restaurant next door (Charles theatre)as I was offering to pay again for the dinner and she flips her lid In front of everyone there swearing and cursing b/c I simply touch her hand claiming I was "too fidgity"
I get up, tell the waiter to cancel my order please (by this time the order had come up but he recognized she was such a tremendous bitch he had no qualms whatsoever) and leave her there...flat.