Sunday, February 26, 2006
After taking a year off from the dating scene to re-prioritize my life, I began the New Year ready to "get back out there." The night before New Year's Eve, I stopped in the local haunt (read: dive bar) to play a little pool. A very handsome older gentleman approached me with this: "What are YOU doing in a place like this? You look like you should be behind the wheel of a Mercedes." Wink, wink. After a long night of drinks and conversation, we exchanged numbers and planned on going out to dinner later in the week.
New Years' Eve: at a club, I met the most handsome guy, who was from Ireland, not far from where my ancestors are from. Same thing-drinks, convo, dinner plans are made. Cool. Two dates after the drought.
New Year's Day: partying up a storm in the middle of the street with about 500 people, I see this man looking at me. I almost fell over, he was so hot. Long story short, we spent the whole day together and I was instantaneously in love. My birthday was in a week and he was going to take me out for dinner. I'm thinking, yee-haw, my first couple days back in the game and I'm rackin' 'em up!
The next day, as this wild city continues the party, my eyes connect with this guy who is performing in a street fair. I manage to give him my email address and we begin emailing that night. Okay, so you're probably thinking, four guys in four days, what a tramp! Well, as my grandma always said, "keep your options open."
Sooooo...did everyone call me? Yep, they sure did!
Bachelor #1: Admitted he was in a long-term relationship. "Can we still go out?" No.
Bachelor #2: Had just gotten engaged. "But can we still go out?" Yeah...no.
Bachelor #3: Married. FOR 17 YEARS. "Can I still take you to dinner?" NO, MOTHERF#*@ER!
Bachelor #4: Living with his girlfriend for five years. "Can we..." Don't even try.
W H A T T H E F U C K ????!!!!
That was almost three months ago and needless to say, I have not gone out on a date since.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
We have all had bad dates... but this takes the cake. It tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. One night on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.Jay went into the audience asking about the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). and the couple, after all, had truly never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they headed home late that afternoon.While driving back down the mountain, the young lady gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. Since they were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.He stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow footing wasn't good, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and, being a real gentleman, refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly! cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." ..And you thought your first date was embarrassing.Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Saturday, February 18, 2006
I had been really bummed out about an intense relationship that had ended a few months previously. On the advice of a friend, I perused some personals ads on a free site, and answered the ads of one or two guys who seemed interesting and above all, intelligent but also fun. One of them was "Bob". His ad was short but well-written and made me chuckle, so I wrote to him. He wrote back, we exchanged three or four longish emails, and I learned that he played guitar, worked in a library and was all around intellectually stimulating, well-read and a little adventurous, from various things he'd said (nothing overt, just how you can sense a person's personality coming through in various stories they tell). We wanted to seize the warm spring weather to go kayaking on a local river, but it suddenly turned cold and we decided not to risk it.
The metropolitan area we both live in has an awesome film festival every year, and this year was "From Beijing to Bollywood". As I've lived in both India and China, and was well-versed in the various films coming out of both countries and am interested in the arts in general, I invite him to attend an Indian arthouse film of limited release being shown. He seems artistically inclined as well so I figured it would be a good fit, and he was quite eager to go.
I was upfront with him that I am "curvy" (that means chubby, but not fat), and he was honest that he was rail-thin, and neither of us seemed to care. We exchanged pics. He seemed OK, in that I thought he might grow on me.
I had relatives in town that day and cut off my stay with them early to go to the theater to meet this guy, far away from a metro station but not impossible to reach by public transport. I suddenly had a very "bad feeling" about it all and wanted to be back with my fun cousins and uncles and aunts, sitting around the lobby bar of a fancy downtown hotel drinking, nice and arm and not out in the rain waiting for a bus to meet a guy I didn't even know.
I got to the theater a few minutes late and he was outside under the marquis. "You're late," he said, but I wasn't really listening. I was rather gawking - at the fact that he looked exactly like an anorexic Gilligan from "Gilligan's Island", which hasn't even been in reruns since I was a kid. HE WAS EVEN WEARING THE FISHERMAN'S HAT! Did he really think it was good to ACCENTUATE this? He was much thinner than he'd said, and that annoyed me because I'd been honest. I've dated skinny guys before and it wouldn't have been a problem if he hadn't lied, and only sent a head shot.
He had bought tickets - and by that I mean his ticket. "You better get yours, they said a minute ago they'd sell out soon, we don't want to miss the show. Especially because it's raining," he said to me.
Now I don't expect the guy to pay. When he does, that's nice and I take it as a compliment that I was worth it, and that he wants to impress me. But I won't make a big deal over paying my share and if I like the guy, I'd still see him again. But to KNOW I might not get a ticket, but still not buy it for me? Jeez. Id've offered to pay for dinner or something!
I saw some good friends of mine in the back, and really he and I were some of the only non-desis in the theater so it wasn't hard for them to spot me and wave me over. I went, said hi, explained I was actually with someone else but I'd catch up with them later. When I came back, I told him who they were and that I was really close with them, how it was nice to see them. "Hmph," he said. Okay...hmph.
After the movie, there's a question-and-answer session. I ask the director, in town as a special guest, a question. He just stares at me like I'm a freak. My friend's friend asks about the costume/makeup and how come the woman in the village had perfectly trimmed eyebrows, etc.. Sure, it was a silly question, but she did have a point. Even if she hadn't, I was really annoyed when my date whispered to me "Jeez, [I wish she'd] shut the hell up, how stupid is that..." A guy who doesn't know anything about Indian cinema to begin with!
"I didn't get any of that," he said as we left. "Kind of a boring movie." The director was within earshot. I tried to explain a few various themes to him, but he kept dismissing it with a harshly toned "I didn't see any of that. You're just trying to make excuses for a bad movie." OK, fine. You are free to think that and I am free to think you're wrong. But you could be polite about it...especially on a first date.
We go to eat nearby as he didn't drive in. Soaking wet, we sit down and order. It's a diner-type place so I get a chicken pot pie. "I thought you were a vegetarian," he said. "Why would you think that?" "Well, India, China...eastern countries....you know...lots of hippies go there, mostly vegetarians.""Ummm...no. In fact Chinese cuisine is heavily reliant on meat, especially pork. It's very hard to be vegetarian in most of China." I went on a little more about how monks in China manage it and the various implications of the Chinese word for "vegetarian", figuring it was a good topic for intelligent discourse. "Well a lot of people have dietary preferences but there's no reason to go on about it. I don't care what you eat."Okkaaay...I was pissed now. "I was 'going on about' cultural mores, not just dietary preferences." We ate mostly in silence after that. On the metro back he turns to me and says "I had a good time. You seem like the sort of girl who can look forward to meeting new people on a whim, but I'm not. Even if I have fun, I don't always look forward to it. So I was pleasantly surprised. " Ummm....right. Bye. Fortunately he never called and I certainly didn't contact him.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
I actually did a little background investigation and apparently (with some minor variation) it IS true (the original, true story can be found in the book Emergency! by Mark Brown, M.D. published by St Martin's paperbacks) and so, without further ado, I am pleased to present
THE WORST DATE EVER!
The tale begins with a well dressed young couple (lets call them Bob and Lisa) enjoying cocktails after a wonderful meal in one of the cities finest restaurants. The table was towards the rear of the half empty bistro and, feeling a little mischevious, Lisa smiled and slipped under the table to giver her beau a very special after-dinner treat. Bob felt his zipper being lowered by his frisky young sweetie and, as Lisa began to work her magic, Bob leaned back , smiled and sipped his wine." Ah", he thought, "life is good"... Now, unbeknownst to Bob, Lisa suffered from a condition which on very, very rare occasions would send her into a seizure, characterised by loss of consiousness, clenching and grinding of teeth accompanied by uncontrolled convulsions
Unfortunately, it was at this very blissful moment in Bobs life that cruel, cruel fate (we've all met that guy) decided to strike Lisa with just such a siezure. In the blink of an eye this dainty young girl, who had been so tenderly ministering to Bobs member, suddenly turned into a raging terrier from hell, eyes rolled back, head and body thrashing about uncontrollably, teeth now GRINDING, teeth now CLENCHING ... and Bobs weenie stuck right in the middle! So
( you have to forgive Bob for his next action because, after all, his weenie was being chewed off) at this point, our hero Bob, now mad with terror and pain, grabbed a salad fork and started jabbing at Lisa's head and tearing at her hair, in a frantic, but futile attempt to get her to release his tortured willie from her crocodile jaws. Eventually Lisa's condition subsided, she awoke and managed to transport herself and Bob to the local emergency room, where she was treated for multiple pucture wounds to the head and Bob had his uh, genitalia reassembled.
So what useful information can we gain from this story? First, although I have heard that some people, in the throughs of a seizure, should have something thrust
between their teeth...it is very important that we choose wisely the object that we intend to use for this purpose and second, for any women that may feel pressured to "perform"
this act and not enjoy doing so...you now have a nice bedtime story to read to your partner, perhaps accompanied with an involuntary eye tick :O)
Happy Valentines Day From THEBADDATE.COM !
Do you have a bad date story? Please add it to the collection either by posting it in the comments section below or e-mail it to us at: firstname.lastname@example.org We may edit it for content, all names will be changed to protect the innocent and we may publish it in other media in addition to this blog.
Friday, February 10, 2006
I tell guys up front that I don't drink in case that's important to
them. Nothing about morality -- it just makes me physically ill.
And I try to be openminded about bridge and tunnel people because I
realize that affordable apartments are scarce and not everyone can live
So when a guy from New Jersey asked me to go out on Friday evening, I
said sure. He was kind of cute and he assured me that he thought it
was great that I didn't drink.
His choice of where to go? South Street Seaport. For those of you
unfamiliar with the place, it's the most suburban feeling block in New
York City. It feels like one of those Jersey malls plopped down on the
edge of Wall Street, and it caters almost solely to tourists and
commuters. He wanted me to meet him at a bar there, which seemed like
an even stranger choice.
I found out why he thought it was the perfect place for our date --
because ladies got 2 drinks for the price of 1. He wanted to go there
so he could have me order HIS beer and he'd get them 2 for 1. This got
old really fast. Finally I suggested going back to Midtown and he once
again said he knew a great place -- Tommy Makem's, an Irish bar where
the drunken patrons actually sang "Danny Boy." I made up an excuse and
left on my own. Fortunately I was walking distance from home.
The next day he called and asked me to come out to Jersey -- for a keg
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Sunday, February 05, 2006
As I drove away the guy was gently lifting his bike off the ground and still hadn't even looked at the girl, who was standing on the sidewalk, arms crossed and glaring.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
My bad date was the once and only time I went on a blind date set up by my friend when we were in our late teens. He was this bodybuilder type, totally arrogant, and obnoxious. In the car, (he was driving), he would crank the music up really loud when anyone would start to converse. All he talked about was his lats, and abs, and quads...and would interupt whenever someone would start talking to someone else about another topic.
Then we get to the bar we were going to. My friends' boyfriend was in the band....so my "date" proceeds to get drunk and he was not a pleasant fun kinda drunk either. He kept grabbing me and pulling me up to dance, when I really did not even want to talk to the guy.....on the way out, (I ended up having to drive home)...he got sick all over the place...down the front of himself, then complained about my driving all the way back to my friends boyfriends' place.
Thank God he passed out and my friend and I took a cab back to her place and I never saw the guy again.
That stands out in my mind, because whenever someone would want to set me up, I would pass....bad bad date.
And then while we were exchanging qualities we like in the opposite sex (I like adventurous, sexy, affectionate women), she pauses for a moment to think after we kissed and said, "I only date 6"4, 200lb black men."
Mind you, I'm a 5"6, 140lb Asian Playboy.
She realizes what she just said and says, "You're not going to call me, are you?"
Thursday, February 02, 2006
She arrives, we go out to see the sites, drink too much, back to my place and drink some more.She makes a couple of moves on me and (no kidding) I resist. Anyway, she shows me her boobs and everyone knows that's like catnip to guys so we're off to a night of drunken bonking. Followed by sweet unconciousness.
Dawn breaks. I slowly open one eye, hoping it was all a horrible dream, but no, she's there...no make-up, snoring, with strings of spittle webbed between the top and bottom lip of her open mouth. Fortunately I have to go to work. So I shower, shave , dress and just before I'm ready to sprint out the door, I poke the sleeping beast (no, I mean nudge with my finger) and say "Off to work, call me from the hotel"...Work all day, cell phone stays quiet, great, maybe she wants to forget it too! Take the bus home and...you guessed it, she's still there! Plus, she'd picked up some salady crap for dinner ,was calling me sweetie etc...AND she'd cancelled the hotel so WE could spend more time TOGETHER!! That meant another TWO NIGHTS in my place before her flight left...So, off to the liquor store I went....I'll spare you the details, but the two days dragged, on and on. No matter how late I worked she was waiting at the door, all chirpy and annoying....and no mention of the "meeting"either! Finally, flight day arrives,
once again I nudge her "Off to work" I say "Have a nice Flight!" and dash off to Starbucks where I kill two hours before I actually have to be at work.
Workdays over, I'm so happy to be free that I'm whistling as I open the apartment door and
WTF...she's still HERE! She's POSTPHONED the flight cause she doesn't actually have to be home for TWO WEEKS!! Now I'm nervous, was there even a meeting? Was there really a flight?
Do I really need anything in this apartment or can I just run away and never look back? At that very moment fate smiled upon me...her cell phone rang, she answered and burst into tears... it was her Mom with sad news. Dear old Uncle Bob, her favorite uncle had passed away suddenly and she had to get back home IMMEDIATELY! Heavy with fake sadness, I drove her to the bus station and we parted.... my final thoughts are these THANKYOU TO THE GUY WHO INVENTED CALLER ID AND THANKYOU TO MOTOROLA FOR MY NEW CELL PHONE AND THANKYOU TO MY NEW LANDLORD FOR NOT PUTTING MY NAME ON THE MAILBOX BUT MOST OF ALL
THANKYOU UNCLE BOB!!
In the meantime, if you thought your date was bad, check out our archives. It's chock full of romantic tales like "If The Spew Fits" , "Who Doesn't like A Little Head?" and of course the very rude (but funny) "Thankyou For Coming"...ah, romance sniff,sniff...makes me a little misty.
Just a reminder. The true story of the Worst Date Ever will be published here on February 14th...in honor of Valentines Day!
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
I get up, tell the waiter to cancel my order please (by this time the order had come up but he recognized she was such a tremendous bitch he had no qualms whatsoever) and leave her there...flat.