Friday, January 20, 2006

The Dangers of Smoking

This happened a number of years ago. It was a hot August afternoon in the Southwest and I was driving home after a day of swimming with my new sweetie. She was looking very fine in her teeny , tiny bikini and all I had on was a pair of cutoffs. As we drove back to her place, stealing glances back and forth, I took a cigarette from a pack in my visor. Suavely placed it between my lips and with my thumb cooly flicked a wooden match into flame...unfortunately I also managed to "cooly flick" the burning sulpher head off of the match. Where, speeding along at 40 MPH, I watched it fall onto my most prized possesions, that had apparently found their way out of the leg of my cutoffs. Now I don't know wether it was the terrifying swerving of my Volkswagon, my high pitched screams, or the torrent of swearing that followed, but for some reason, she didn't invite me hurts.

Not Posted

Note to B.C.,
I did not post your story because I simply do not believe that anyone would confuse the
abbreviation DWF as meaning DWARF! Funny, but unlikely...sorry.

Right Place, Wrong Guy...or Vice Versa

A good friend of mine decided to play matchmaker. She emailed me pics of a really handsome guy. So he calls me, I send him pics of myself, and we start making plans to meet. "Mark" lives about 25 miles southwest of me, in the burbs, but said he wouldn't mind coming into the city, where I live, to meet for lunch. He asks if I'm familiar with this particular restaurant (he had been there a few nights before, after the football game). I tell him yes, I live seven blocks from it. (Interjection: this place has three other locations in this very big city.) We agree to meet at 11am the next day, as he has a meeting later that day. So the next morning, I get out to my car and am having trouble getting out of my parking space-it's legal to double-park here, and someone parked really close to me-so I call him (he's already at the restaurant) and tell him I may be a little late, but I only live two minutes away, so no worries. My neighbor guides me out and I'm on my way. I pull into the parking lot, and this REALLY HOT GUY comes over to me as I get out of my car. I'm thinking, yee-ha, he's hotter than his pictures! He's dressed fantastically, big smile on his face, gives me a kiss on the cheek...then he goes, "Did you get lost?" I'm all, "No, I told you I couldn't get my car out." That should have been my first clue that something was not right. He puts his arm around me as we go inside. Once inside, it's obvious that he knows the everyone there, which I thought was strange, since he doesn't live in this area. Now he's on his cell, and he's heading to the back of the place. I say, "Should I follow you?" He tells the waitress to get me a table and says he'll be right back. He goes into the bathroom, still on his cell, and he's there for like five minutes. Okay, something's wrong...I call Mark's cell and get his voicemail, leave him a message, then call the friend who set us up. At this point, he comes out, still on the cell, and heads outside. I ask the waitress what his name is and she says, "That's (...), he's the owner of the restaurant." Okay, most definately NOT who I am supposed to be meeting. So I tell her I'm on a semi-blind date, and are there any single guys in the place looking like they're waiting for someone? She goes to look and reports back that there is NO ONE else there. I tell her I can't understand why he acted like he was waiting for ME and she says, "Well, he IS pretty friendly." I ask if he's single. {No. :( } Now, Mark calls, and we figure out that he's at one of the other locations, a good HALF-HOUR north. I'm really perturbed...WHY would he go to the one that is so far away from BOTH of us, when I told him I lived right around the corner from this one??? I mean, the one he was at was like FORTY miles from his house! We had to reschedule. Long story short, we went out a few times, but by our third date he still hadn't made an attempt to kiss me...I had to ASK for a kiss. And it sucked. It was like a screen kiss, no tongue, nothing. Lame. I never called him again. And now I'm slightly embarrassed to go back to that restaurant, which was one of my favorite hangouts!