Thursday, December 28, 2006

Another Meddling Mother

So I had been dating this really nice girl for quite sometime and I was madly in love with her. I had neglected to tell my parents about it because they would have freaked out and I didn't want to lose her. So one night my mom found out.
Freaked out. And set me up on a blind date... With what she referred to
as "a very nice, polite, and respectful young man" I went to our
designated meeting spot and we met up. He was a nice guy... But didn't
seem quite right... So ever few minutes his phone would vibrate and he
would look at it and then ask me a question *vibrate* so tell me about
your ex boyfriend *vibrate* ever been in love?
*vibrate* what do you do for fun...
After a while I caught on. So the next time it vibrated it I reached
over the table and grabbed the phone... My mother was sending him text
messages telling him what to ask me... But not only that... But I gave
the phone back and excused myself to the bathroom. I went walking
towards the restroom and I hear a very familiar voice. My mother is
sitting at a table in the back of the restaurant watching us!!! I was
upset... But got over it. There was never a second date... But he is
now engaged to a very nice, polite and mature BOY!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

He Changed His Mind...So Did She!

Editors Note: It's rare that a date goes bad for a girl before she even gets out of the car...I met a man online and agreed to meet him in the parking lot of a restaurant. He said he wasn't interested in sex, just wanted to meet some new people and have someone to go with him to movies and things. So I agreed to meet him. When I pulled up, I was looking for his car, and he surprised me by showing up at my window of my car first. He said he liked what he saw and changed his mind about the sex thing. He wanted to know if I'd give him a b/j. I rolled up my window and took off for home ASAP!

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Non- Blonde

I was 22 and she was 18. She was still in high school. We went to a very nice Italian restaurant. After we ate I went to the restroom. When I came back, she was doing her HOMEWORK. Right there on the the table of this restaurant. After that we went to the movie theatre. We bought our tickets and had to wait about twenty minutes for the previous show to end so we could go in. She FELL ASLEEP on the bench while waiting. To make matters worse she fell off and bumped her head. After the show I took her back to the parking lot where we met earlier. Her car got towed! It was parked in a no parking zone. So I took her to her aunts house and left. I stopped off somewhere for a beer and thought to myself, that DID NOT just happen. And for the record, she was not a blonde.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Mother Knows Best

This happened a couple months ago. I met a guy online, seemed to be really nice, we agreed to meet in person for a drink. He showed up on time, brought flowers, looked great....I settled in for what I thought would be a great evening.
However, about 20 minutes into the conversation, he shared that he still lived with Mom. (He's 30.)
And Mom is really controlling.
And Mom is really religious.
I swear I am not making the next part up. He goes on to say that because of Mom, when (when!) I came over to have sex, we could have sex in his room but then I would have to sleep in a different room or Mom would get upset.
I thought I was going to choke on my drink. He called a few times after that night, but I didn't even listen to the messages.
...Good Lord! No pun intended.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

A Remarkably Long One (story that is)

Editors Note: Thanks to Dan for contributing this unusually long story and adding the term "man curves" to our culture. Ok, sit back, relax and read Dans tale:
Ok it starts with me meeting her, and this was a long long time ago........
I met nicole in the homecoming of a school i used to attend, we danced, we only danced together mostly and not with other pple, and we both loved each other's company... now here's where it gets scary, next day i ask her out on a date, she says sure, so far so good. when i ask her where she wants me to pick her up, she says at the ***** station somewhere at the other side of the city, now i'm goin like where the hell is that?! But i persevere, and i get there after like 30 mins of confusion in the subways. when i finally get there, i wait for 20 mins, she calls me up on my cell, sayin "Dan, where are you?" and i'm goin like: "i've been waitin for you for the last twenty minutes! where are you? i'm at exit number 2!" now i hear her laughing at the other end, and after a few seconds, she says, "we're meeting in exit number 1, dummy!" i'm like, wtf (ofcourse i didn't actually say that) and i go meet her there. when i finally get to see her, she walks up to me in that smiling kinda way she had done the other day and hugs me. i hug her back, and everything's fine. I go like, "so which one of us was the one that said we we're meeting in exit number 1?" and she smiles up at me and replies, "you."
After our great start of the day, (on our first date!) we head on to a little coffee shop for lunch. She says she loves the woman who works there, and that she makes great hot coco and has a knack for apple pie. So i agree, following her into a store only five minutes away from the place where we had been talking. When we get into the shop I see it's quite cozy, and with a look of disbelief on my face i order an apple pie with hot coco on the side, and she orders the same except with strawberry shake instead of the coco. When we get the order, my mouth is already watering, and i'm havin the time of my life talkin to the hottest girl in the freshman year. When I start eating and talking everything seems to be going ok, and i feel like i'm on top of the world. Then all of the sudden I feel a tingling sensation in my throat, and i notice that this only happens when i eat almonds (I have allergies) and my throat was starting to close up. I get up, franticly, asking whether they had any almonds in the pie, the damn woman who made it merely replies, "oh nono, not almonds my dear, almond essence, it gives the taste a good edge" I feel my throat closing up and in a desperate act of survival I attempt to chug down my hot coco, though right when it touched my tongue i had spluttered out the the contents without a drop down my throat because it was boiling hot! i got my 80 dollar shirt all soaked in my own saliva and hot coco, but ofcourse i did not notice this because i had a fried sausage for a tongue and my wind pipe was collapsing in on itself. The next attempt to wash down the almonds, was with nicole's strawberry shake, finally sighing with releif at the feeling of firstly survival and secondly the temperature drop in my mouth, i sit back down in my chair and try not to look in nicole's direction. after a while all i could do was look at her pretty brown eyes, and tell her that i was sorry. she only bit her lip in response, and suddenly out of the blue started laughing hysterically. I was so bummed out i could feel my ears turning red from blushing. she came over to my the seat next to me, rather than across, and started to clean the mess of hot coco i made on the table. she reassures me that it wasn't my fault and tells me that the nothing happened out of the ordinary. I take of liberty of helping her clean up, and after a few minutes, we both sit back down, and i tell her how wonderful her strawberry shake was. she laughs and tells me that the hot coco stains in my shirt might come off if we put it in hot water. So she invites me to her house a block away and tells me no one's at home.
When we get to the house, she tells me with a smirk to take off my shirt, and i do so with an expression of nutrality on my face (luckily I had been working out for the past year, so my man curves weren't too shabby). she tells me to wait in her room while she soaks my white shirt in hot water. after a few minutes she comes back with the few snacks she could find in the house, and a bottle of blissfully cool cocacola (my tongue wasn't fully recovered). After i finish, we both just sit on her bed, not talking at all. i try to break the ice by trying to fire up a conversation, and she goes along with it. Eventually, we are both engrossed in each other's faces and we are both laying down. She seems to take a liking to me, and i feel special because of it( :P). After 2 hours (wow, i havn't talked to a girl that long for some time) of talk she tells me that the shirt probably doesn't have the stains anymore, and i go check with her. When we had gotten into the bathroom, and had taken a good look at my shirt, it seemed all was well and the stains seemed to be gone, even thoug a few discolored specks remained, but i was grateful. she takes out the shirt and hangs it up to dry on her porch while i sit in the living room. she comes back in, and right away we start talking again (she had grown used to the shirtless guy next to her, and was quite comfortable at this stage). Eventually she starts talking about how she had been dumped by some "evil" guy in the past, and after only a few minutes of the subject, she was in my arms, sitting in my lap (I was quite satisfied with myself that for first daters we were already quite close). After some time, somehow we ended back in the room under the covers of her "Lion King" bed ( i was cold). i started yawning, and with that she took up the activity too (we were both exausted from yesterday's homecoming, because everyone had stayed up quite late). After a while she told me she was going to change into her PJ's and that she was going to (funnilly enough) sleep with me. i was ofcourse did not expect the most favorable outcome from this situation, but when she came back in her PJ's, i felt quite snug next to her, and soon enough we both fall asleep.
I woke up to the voice of some guy outside and look at the time (7:00), and realise my mystake, i was lying in bed with a girl in her pyjamas, with me shirtless, and supposedly her father outside her room door! I franticly started waking nicole, and when she realised who was outside her door, she started up franticlly, but it was too late now, the father was checking whether anyone was home, and had entered her room with a gasp. "NICOLE?! WHO IS THIS BOY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I get up and try to explain myself to this screaming fat walrus of a man, but he just shouts over me: "NICOLE YOUR GOING TO BE GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFETIME IF YOU CONTINUE LIKE THIS! I WILL NOT TOLERATE SUCH BEHAVIOR!" ofcourse, nicole was trying to explain in calm tones, but it all eventually came to a shouting match. Finally after minutes of a meaningless hot argument, he calms down and actually starts using all his five senses. she explains the whole situation, and after the whole mess of things was sorted out, he reluctantly left us alone with a final, "you might not be doing what i thought you were doing, but your attitude still shouldn't have been so disrespectful, oh and by the way i picked up Alice on the street (they were classmates), she asked whether it was ok to come over and i told her it was fine, i see you already have company, but she's here so you might as well introduce her to...Dan, is it?" I nod my head in response, and I hear a familiar voice behind the door. Was it...? no... it can't be... Alice was a girl i had dated in the school nicole was attending now, last year. I had dumped her for being way too clingy, and here she was in the next room probably wondering who this mysterious "Dan" was. After a few moments of dumbfounded disbelief, I ask nicole, "hey nicky... is this Alice from Kent (that's our school name)?" "yeah" she replies, "why?" "Oh.... nothin." I say.
When we walk into the living room together, with nicole in her silk PJ's and me in only my jeans, I come face to face with what i had been dreading all this time, and when Alice sees me her eyes become as wide as saucers, and her jaw seemingly drops to the floor. "DAN?! You're dating THAT bastard?!" I look away nonchalantly, trying to keep myself from grabbing my shirt and running. Nicole looks at her confused, and the whole matter of her being my Ex was revealed. Though, all throughout the explanation i had to take out and add a few things that she had added/removed from our history. She had made it sound like i had left her to die, even though when we were together, she was the one who had been the *****. Finally when everything was explained Nicole looks at me in disbeilief and asks whether everything she just said was true. I didn't really know what to say, so i just blurted out: "not everything I--" "nevermind" she says. I was stunned. I just had the most unlucky day in my life, and even though the odds were against me it hadn't been turning out that bad, but now it was a disaster. I couldn't get myself to look at her, so i said, "You know, I... the reason why i dumped Alice was because she just... wasn't what i was looking for. I didn't know how to put it to her that i didn't want her anymore without breaking her heart, so i gave in and told her i didn't want to be with her anymore." I look up at her and sighed. "you know what" I say, " even though you might think me a bastard right now, I just want to say that i had the time of my life, talking to you even though everything, I mean EVERYTHING went wrong, and if you really think i'm not worth it, then i guess i'll just leave." I went to get my shirt to put on, wet or no, and left.
The happy ending is that she called me the next day and said that she thought Alice was wrong, and that she wanted to talk. And after that we were together for a long time, and have been since.

Twitches Tale

Editors Note: Are people actually "impressed" by tales of failed suicide attempts? I mean, she did fail right? Oh well, at least she gave it a try...."A" for effort I on:
I scheduled a date with a girl who I thought was 30 and pregnant with her first kid. Within 5 minutes of picking her up I find out she's 20, and pregnant with her 4th kid. she then spent the rest of the evening trying to impress me with her stories of past failed suicide attempts. All of which she assured me were very true despite the noticeable lack of scars. Twitch