Saturday, July 12, 2008

Dinner Date Dud

The worst has to be the 2 hour drive to meet a date for dinner at his place of work, which turned out to be his home as well. The lady at the computer said "don't mind me I am just finishing up", at which my date said "oh that is my wife, we aren't together now but we share the house". As I was mid slam of the front door I hear the wife screeching "you didn't even tell her, what do you expect".

Friday, June 06, 2008

"A Shark Tale" Tale

This is so bad its shameful.A few years ago I was really into this online RPG game and I met someone on there. We became friends on the game for several months...then spoke on the phone for several months...before finally deciding to meet in person. He was 16 and I was 18, and since he could not yet drive he had his mother drive him from out of state. We cleared it with our parents first. I had only seen one picture of him and he looked cute in it.So...the guy showed up on the doorstep with his hillbilly mom and trashy sister and he looked NOTHING like his picture. He was shlubby and gross and his hair was totally greasy. He was a lot heavier than his picture-"Athletic" my ass! And boy did he smell or what?! What kind of person doesn't shower before a first date?I didnt even know what to do. He brought me roses and I was too grossed out to even respond properly. Then his mom had him pose next to me and take a picture, I felt like a landmark. "Good boy now pose next to the New York girl!"...Then I was stuck with him for 5 freaking hours. Since I drive, I took him to pizza (not such a great idea..watching him eat was a little revolting) then to my college, showed him around, then I saw that "A Shark Tale" was on in the student lounge so I had us watch it (just to kill time and keep the conversation at a minimum...I was so repulsed). He kept trying to put his fat smelly gross arm around me,
it made me flinch. Finally it was time for him to go and after he and his bumpkin family left my mom laughed her ass off at me. He got the hint though...the next day I got a 3 page email from him whining and complaining that I didnt like him. Ugh.So that was my crappy date. Everytime I see "A Shark Tale" on TV I thank god for that movie, it saved my ass. That was the most awkward 5 hours of my life.

Sunday, June 01, 2008


I agreed to meet a man I met on the internet (first mistake)
We went for drinks where he proceeded to dunk bread in his red wine and eat it (like dunking oreo's in milk) He kept talking with his hands and was tossing bread crumbs all over the place
I finished my drink and made my excuses, and he walked me to the car where I thanked him for the drink and he goes in for a kiss - I turn to give him the cheek and he started sucking on my earring!!!
The worst part was the horrible email he sent me a few days later about how screwed up I must be to not be interested in such a great guy

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A Man with Taste

I started dating this guy roughly two weeks ago, and let me tell you friends, it was a bad choice. I was fooled into thinking that a future doctor, that's into running, is focused, loves my body and personality, and best of all thinks I'm hilarious was a damn good person to date. Nope, fucking WRONG.
We went on our first date, it was all nice and fun. And of course, since I'm a floozy, I made the stupid decision to get naked with him. FUCK (which we did not do)! Either way, it was sufficiently awkward, because I learned that he'd only been with one other girl, and I also learned that he doesn't masturbate like a normal fucking human being. He likes to... hump his bed or some awkward shit like that. Now I've been told that I rock at head. I don't mean to toot my own tits, but it's true. I still, to this day, get calls, texts, what have you from guys from the past asking for another go. Although I may be the queen of bitchin' blowings, I cannot replicate the feeling of bed humping, IMPOSSIBLE. But now I've just gone off track.
From our first kiss I knew there was something up. He didn't taste like anyone I'd ever kissed before. I didn't really think much of it and continued. We saw each other pretty much every other day that first week. Then the first night I slept over, not only was I humped in my sleep, (which was a really awesome "What the fuck?!" moment in my life...) I also learned that this nasty, dirty motherfucker doesn't brush his teeth in the morning. Yea I'm serious. We were about to leave, and I was like, "aren't you going to brush your teeth?"
To which he responded, "I don't brush my teeth in the morning."
I flipped the fuck out, I figured out what that weird taste was! It was morning teeth goo. AHHHHHHHHHHH, SHITTT! GROSS! How fucking stupid do you have to be, to not brush your teeth in the morning, that's like the prime fucking time to brush your goddamn teeth, when all the bacteria are grown and ready to spill from your gullet, fuck face! So I let him know that was absolutely disgusting (not quite as harshly as above) and made him brush his teeth. I was so grossed out by this, that I didn't see him for a good part of the week.
Here's a fun fact for y'all: When you kiss someone, their spit stays in your mouth for 3 days. YEAH 3 FUCKING DAYS. So two days ago, I wake up with this pain in my mouth. I now have a fucking SORE in my mouth because this dumb mother fucker can't brush his goddamn teeth! If that isn't enough, I woke up today with a sore throat. I don't get sick. I just don't, ever. If I do, it's because of my horrid tonsils/adenoids. This shit is like in there. I'm poisoned!
I take care of my teeth, I mean check out my stellar chompers below, I fully expect the same from you! So take word from the wise, brush your teeth!
I will end with this lovely video:
I wish he saw this before all else.