Wednesday, August 09, 2006

What About Bob?

5 years ago, I worked with this woman who had a son a couple of years younger than me. He was incredibly good looking and was in school to be a doctor. She completely insulted me in front of myself and two of my coworkers one day by saying I wasn't "good-looking enough for her son". Fast forward 3 years. I had since quit the job and hadn't seen this woman in ages, when she calls me up out of the blue. "I have been thinking about this for months", she excitedly tells me. "But if you'd like a date I think I can arrange something!". I'm thinking to myself, wow, she really came around! All my hints about her son back then are finally paying off! "so," she continues, "I've already talked to him and I think you two would just be perfect together! I can't believe I let it go so long! I'll have 'Bob' call you!"

'Bob'?? Who the hell is 'Bob'? Her sons name is 'Dan'!

Turns out, 'Bob' is her gardener.

I'm still reeling from the fact that I am not good enough to date this woman's son, but apparently it is perfectly OK to date her gardener, when I meet up with 'Bob'.

He is easily 25 years older than me, receding hairline, glasses, golf clothes, the whole Senior Package. He talks NON-STOP. It is like the old joke "enough about me, tell me what you think of me". Out of the 90 minutes I was in this restaurant I think I spoke a total of 6 minutes. He gives me a photocopy of a painting he did of a baseball stadium as my gift. I can't even say what was the worst part of the date. The part when the waitress thought he was my dad, when he tried to kiss me outside on the street, or when I called this horrible ex-coworker woman up to ask WHY, oh dear god, WHY her response was: "Oh really? You think he's that old? Why I guess I never noticed! You see, I've never actually seen him without a baseball cap on."