Sunday, November 05, 2006

The Sleazy Husband Fixer-Upper

Editors Note: A big thankyou to the beautiful and mysterious Sadie who allows me to use segments from her blog OystersandBeer for highly recommend her blog, but be forewarned it, like this post, often contains adult situations and, under stress, the ocassional bad word has been known to slip from her rose petal on to her latest bad date:
One time a friend of mine invited me over for a small dinner party she and her husband were throwing. Her husband had a guy friend who was single, and they had the idea to fix me up with him. Without telling me, of course; don't you love it how people work those things out, a husband and wife invite six people over for dinner, four of them are couples and the other two just happen to be single people of the opposite sex? Yeah, so it was a fix up. Which ended up not working out.

But the really bad part of the night was the way my friend's husband, the sleazeball, acted. He was totally flirting with me. Every chance he got to talk to me one-on-one he took. I kept telling myself "oh he's just overly friendly, he's drinking a lot, he likes to try to make people laugh, it's nothing really." But I knew better; the sleaze was totally trying to impress me and hang out with me. And not giving his friend a chance to talk to me, either.

When it actually came time to sit down to dinner, the sleazeball husband had me sit next to him - - and had my pseudo-date sit way on the other end of the table, next to the sleaze's wife. Now, I've never really liked this guy; I've always wondered how my friend could have ever married him. He treats her like crap half the time, but he acts so jolly when he's being a dick to her that I wonder if she even realizes that he's really being a dick to her. He kept ordering her around, telling her to do all kinds of stuff for their guests; "get up and get so-and-so such-and-such," even though the thing he wanted her to get was right behind him, and he could have much more easily gotten it himself, that kind of little thing. Then when he was serving everyone's plates, he said in a way that I guess he figured was a gracious host kind of way "oh Sadie, your steak looks pretty done, you said you like yours medium-rare; hey, wife, hand me your plate, yours is more medium-rare," then he actually took his wife's plate and, over my objections, cut her steak in half and gave the rarer half to me, then gave my more done half to her. It was just kind of crass, especially with the way he talks to her, like she's nothing. And he kept giving me looks and winking at me and joking with me the whole time.

Then comes the thing that is the sleaziest thing ever. After everyone was seated, and all the plates were served, he said "let's say the blessing. Everyone hold hands." So I had to hold his hand while he said a blessing over our dinner. And then, while he was holding my hand, and while he was saying a blessing, he did it. With the hand that was holding my hand, he took his middle finger, slipped it down so that it was touching my palm, and made teasing little circles in the middle of my palm with his middle finger.

I was aghast. (A) It was sleazy; (B) this was my friend's husband!

Now I don't know what other people would do in this situation, and I don't know what he expected I would do. Maybe he thought I would make eyes at him and then, later on, arrange a time and place to fuck him or something. But instead, I did the only thing that a drunk me could think of to do: as soon as the blessing was over, right after everyone said "amen," I yelled out, loudly, for the whole room to hear: "Oh my God, were you just diddling my palm with your middle finger in the middle of the fucking blessing?!?!"

I smiled and laughed as I said it (very loudly), and everyone else laughed, and totally made fun of him.

I have no idea what my friend, the sleazeball's wife, felt about that, because she and I never talked about it. But I think, at least I hope, that I made him look like the asshole that he is to everyone sitting around the dinner table. And that his wife at the very least didn't fuck him herself for a long time after that.