Monday, May 28, 2007

Ok, Now What's Your Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

"Chicken Plant"??

It was a bad almost-date story. When I was in high school there was this guy who would always joke around with me and act flirty - it was very clear that he was interested in me. He just wasn't my type. One Saturday he called me at home (not sure how he got my #) and asked me to go on a picnic with him and his family - I had to find an excuse really fast, so I told him I was sick and couldn't go. About an hour later, the doorbell rang, my mom answered, it was for me and there he was... He came from a very large family and they were all in my driveway while he was standing at the door with a Hens and chicks plant - looking at the plant, he said how sorry he was that I was sick and that he brought me a "chicken plant". Then he looked up and turned pale. He proceeded to explain that he hadn't intended to ask me out but thought he was talking to my best friend who ironically had the same first name. It was just strange - after he left, my parents came out of hiding laughing so hard they were in tears.

A real "bad date" story - I was 19 and went on a first date with this guy who was a little older. He asked me to marry him that night and explained that he was gay and needed a wife to get his brother off his back. I asked "why me" and he said I had nice legs.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

OCD ...Obsessive Compulsive Dickhead

It was a blind date. Of course, I know not all those end badly but this one really was bad.

The guy was a major obsessive compulsive disorder poster child. He told me he had a hard time dating because no one was good enough for him. I laughed and he looked at me seriously and said "Im serious, no one is good enough" Okay, no pressure there....

When I started to get into his pick up for our date, he put a towel down on the seat... but I didnt think too much of it because he was sitting on a towel too and it was a very nice truck. But when I said something about it, he said something like "My friends think Im crazy, but look. Your arm is touching the arm rest and I dont know where your arm has been and I haven't said anything about it"... Needless to say I jerked my arm off the arm rest. Oh boy, we were just getting started.

We went to a restaurant.... what a mistake. The guy sent his glass of water back 3 times and his silverware twice. I felt so sorry for the waiter. But I was feeling awfully sorry for myself because I hadnt thought of a way out of this date or a painful way to kill my friend who had set us up.

I did go home early, made up a headache and never saw him again. He did call me after, but I told him it wasn't going to work out. With me being such a slob and all....

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Fishing For Love

I met this guy who seemed really nice. He asked me out for dinner at what he called a nice restaurant. I met him at the restaurant. He proceeded to order for us (I did pick my own salad dressing) and he decided we would split the entrees. When the food arrived he used his thumb and fork to split the food. It was veal parmagina and eggplant parmigaina. He slopped it between the two plates while spouting a bunch of crap about getting in touch with my inter child and how much fun we were going to have going fishing. You will be happy to know that he carries an extra pole in his trunk so it is at the ready. After the meal when the check came I put money on the tray and he told me it was on him and to just leave the tip. I insisted on paying my half plus the tip and that I had to leave. He picked up the money, shoved it in his pocket and put his credit card on the tray. He proceeded to skoot around in the booth pushing me into the wall under a cheap reproduction of Venice. He tried to start making out with me at eight on Saturday night in a family takeout. I told him I wanted to leave...he wouldn't budge. I insisted that he take the leftovers home. He wanted to show me his classic customized car. It was some American made piece of crap with fake leapord skin floormats. It was the worse 75 minutes I have ever spent in my life. He called everyday for two months saying we were meant to be together on my machine...thank God for caller ID. He showed up at my club and favorite after work haunts to surprise me. Finally, after several attempts to be civil and tell him I was busy I had to get rude. It was the worse hour and fifteen minutes of my life.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Mr Persistant

I met this guy on the beach and it turned out he lived in my neighborhood. So we exchanged numbers and a few days later, I invited him to join me and my friend for drinks at the local bar. All was well, except that I had to take a call from a very sick (cancer) friend of mine. My gf said he would not stop asking who I was talking to, what I was saying, etc. But we all had a good time and I liked him.

Over the next couple weeks, I was running back and forth to the beach every chance I had...I have a little girl, so whenever she was at dad's, I was at the beach. During this time, Mr. Man was texting/calling me furiously several times a day every chance HE got. It got to be REALLY annoying. I mean to the point where I wasn't sure if I wanted to go out with him at all. I had explained to him the multitude of things I had on my plate (the upcoming new school year, ongoing custody issues and court, physical therapy for an injury, etc.), but it didn't faze him at all.

SO. We had planned on going out to dinner the last night that I had free before my daughter came back from her vacation with dad, and then she and I were going on vacation for two weeks. He called me (I was at the beach) and talked my ear off. The kicker was when he said he missed me. Um, I've known you for two weeks, seen you once, and you MISS ME?! Whatever. I really didn't want to go out to dinner, I wanted to stay where I was, but I felt like I had made a promise to him, and I don't break promises. We didn't have a set time for the date, but I told him I'd call when I got home.

I drove home, and took a long, hot shower. I guess three weeks of driving back and forth to the beach (an hour away) and taking care of my child really hit me, as I ended up passing out on my bed, naked. I could vaguely hear my phone ringing downstairs, but I was too exhausted to get up.

I was awoken to a furious pounding on my front door. I mean, FURIOUS. I thought, OMG, my house must be on fire! I jumped up, threw some clothes on, my still-damp and now sweaty waist-length hair a tangled mess, and ran downstairs. There at my door was Mr. Man, all decked out with a bottle of wine and a gift for me, all ready for dinner. He says, "Oh, thank God, my heart is pounding! I thought you were laying in there murdered!" Oh my God. I got out of the date but he continued to call me and text...and stop by my house...even though I didn't respond or answer the door when it was obvious I was home. I finally sent him a SCATHING email (my guy friends said they would cry if a girl sent them that) but that STILL didn't stop him...until one of my biggest, scariest guy friends paid him a visit...

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Dull Date

I was 19, fresh out of Army boot camp and working at a publix as stock I get a date with this asian chick. Totally hot, in college and about 20. I wanted to go to a go-kart park but when the night came she said I'll have to come over to her place? I went and apparently her parents wouldn't let her go out. I go with the flow and we talk, then her parents, strict Christians, start to INTERVIEW me.

Asking what I do, what's my education, what I'm interested in and where do I see myself in 10 years, etc etc. I go with it in stride and strum up a good conversation with her Dad.

FINALLY the parents say "oh we are going out for icecream and we'll leave you two alone".?? Good God, so I strike up a conversation that dies quickly so I suggest playing chess (at my wits end, she was a dead fish) and she said she doesn't know how to play.

I ask her what she does like... baseball. Ugh I hate baseball. She said she'd like to go in the next room and watch the game with her brothers, etc. So I finally just split. I didn't even say I'd call, just bye, thanks for nothing.
Complete waste of my time!

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Big Spender

He showed up in a old hatch back, rusted bucket of car. with stick on chrome and fake rims... he tried to bribe the hostess at the restaurant with a FIVE!! OK.,. this was a four star restaurant... he tried to order alcohol , he was under-age, and tried to use the same five to bribe the waiter... then.. he wanted to go to a kegger that was being thrown by a "friend of a friend".. so he didn't actually know the person who was having the party.. then..when he took me home.. he asked me.. "so you wanna make out?" I had my roommate's boyfriend tell him to hit the road.. god.. it makes me laugh just remembering it!!

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Winery Carry-Out

I met a blind date at a winery who I had only spoken with a few times on the phone. I knew she wasn't "the one" upon first seeing her but decided to hang out and drink a little, just to be nice. After 3 glasses of wine she started cussing like a sailor, being REALLY loud, and then she got up to go to the restroom. That was the last I saw of her on her own two feet. She got sick in the restroom and passed out cold on the toilet. Long story short, all I had was her cell # and couldn't call anyone for her so she got a ride to the hospital by an ambulance. Unfortunately, this is a true story.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

What's Your Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

The Diplomat

Met a guy in a club. He was nice-looking, seemed smart. We talked for a long time and
he seemed pretty cool. I ended up giving him my number and a few days later we
decided to meet for coffee. He couldn't find the Starbucks so we ended up having
dinner instead.
Here's where the fun started - there were some guys seated near us who were being
loud. Really loud. They were drunk. We complained to our waitress, who was also their
waitress. She told them to try and quiet down. One of them threw up in the floor after
that - she approached them again (this was at On The Border - a decent place). They
got a little belligerent, but not too bad considering they were drunk. My date got
mad - started talking smack to them. I was embarassed. They didn't get quiet. Date
tells waitress that he knows the people who own the restaurant chain, asks her manager's name and threatens her job.
In the meantime, the guys get louder.
Date tells the waitress that he is from a foreign country (Brazil, I think) and that he has
diplomatic immunity so if the guys aren't gone when we get ready to leave, he will
take the gun out of his glove box and shoot them and nothing will happen to him.
I'm freaking out by this time - what if I piss him off and he shoots ME?!?
He walks to the front of the restaurant, presumably to go to his car...
I slide out a side door and haul *** out of that restaurant and straight to my car and I
go home - FAST!!! He never called me again.

Couldn't Steal Her Heart, Settled For Her Car...

I was set up on this blind date by my roommate...we met the guys at restaurant for dinner...we had a great time...and then went over to the club for some dancing..(they carried the tab from the restaurant to the bar...real nice place...lots of high profile people)
after a few drinks, my date had to go to the roomies date went to talk to a "friend" across the bar....after 30 minutes they had not returned...
they left the bar....with a 300.00 tab....and stole my roommates car

Monday, March 05, 2007

Lettuce not do this ever again...

His ad made him sound sort of fun.After a few brief
emails, we agreed to meet in person.Coffee would
have been OK with me. But he invited me to lunch at
an upscale business lunch restaurant.

He told me he ate at this restaurant a few times a
week, and in fact, the waitress asked if he wanted his
"usual". It turned out his "usual" was not only an
appetizer, but the very cheapest appetizer on the menu
-- iceberg lettuce! And that was all he ordered!
Naturally I didn't want to seem greedy, so I just had
an appetizer, too.

He wasn't a bad person, but very boring, sort of an
iceberg lettuce personality. I used to be a waitress;
and all I could think about was how the serving staff
must hate having this guy come in and take up one of
their tables during the money part of the day.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Lone Star Love

Seven years ago I was living in far West Tx. I had been talking to this guy online for a while and we decided to meet. He flew me to Houston and from the moment I laid eyes on him, I hated his guts. His love for himself just oozed everywhere... it was disgusting. And I was supposed to spend the weekend with him! UGH!!!
We went to dinner and had a horrible time. Got back to his place and I asked if he'd mind taking me to the airport the next day. He agreed, but wasn't happy about it. So I was sleeping on the couch and he like, came skipping into the living room telling me he was "gonna make a booty call!" Wooohoo! (peace at last!)
Anyway, the next day he took me to the airport. I went to get my ticket and in the time I had gotten out of the car and walked to the gate, he called and cancelled my ticket!
After 1/2 hour of begging the airline and explaining the dumba-s internet thing, they THANKFULLY gave me a free ticket home.
eh, got a free dinner anyway. LOL

Saturday, February 24, 2007

What's Your Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

Stormy Weather

My worst date I ever happened when I was 14. This guy I really liked asked me out one day, and we decided to go to the movies. We both live within walking distance of eachother and the theatre, so he just walked to my house to pick me up, and then we went together. It started out with everything being perfect. My clothes were perfect, my hair was perfect, my make-up was perfect. He arrived on time and we were only 5 steps down the street when out of nowhere, a pounding rain flew from the sky- totally unexpected! We ran through the rain to the theatre and discovered that it was closed- we had scheduled out date on Martin Luther King Jr. Day! We walked around town, soaking wet, looking for a restaurant, but they had all closed early. Finally we found a McDonalds, and I was so starving, but couldn't eat anything there because I'm a vegetarian, and also a total health freak- wayy against McDonalds. My date had a burger, and then we didn't know what to do, so he just walked me home. When I looked in the mirror at home, I discovered that my mascara had been running down the face the entire night- thats why everyone was staring at me in the restaurant! I felt like crying! It had truly been the worst date ever!

Saturday, February 17, 2007

A Sharp Dressed Man

A new kid moved into our district and he had no friends. Me and my friends felt sorry for him, so after talking to him a little bit, he asked me out. I was suprised, but I didn't want him to get upset, so I said yes.

So we met at the movies, and he was wearing a TUX! Not kidding! I was just wearing a shirt and jeans that I would wear to school, but HIM! He was soo fancy, and his hair was slicked back with hair gel. I could tell he was so nervous. He was constantly drumming his fingers quietly against his pants, but I could still hear it and see it. The person selling the tickets was staring at him like he was crazy in his tux, and I was just hoping no one from school would see him like that. He was a nice guy, but a tuxedo?? COME ON!

So he insists on paying for the tickets and he says that you should never treat a lady to anything but the best, so he decided to get us a really big popcorn and an expensive slushie for me. I disagreed, but he wouldn't drop it. So while paying for it, he realized he has misplaced about $5. He spent about 10 minutes searching all his pockets (only 4) over and over again, until he finally understood he didn't bring any extra money. We ended up getting a small popcorn and he just got me a small water.

We were walking to the actual theater when I accidently brushed my shoulder against his. I said sorry and started up a conversation, but he became so incredibley nervous! He started shaking and I could see him kind of sweating. When we were almost in the theater, I ask him, "Is something wrong?"

He turns around, looks at me, and his eyes get all wide. Then he screams to the whole place "I AM NOT READY TO HAVE SEX!"

Note: I am a virgin and I plan to only lose my virginity when I know the guy I am meant to be with. He got this thought when my shoulder accidently brushed against him!

I was staring at him, mouth wide open, and everyone is staring at me!

I COULD have spilled my water and popcorn all over him, but instead I led him into an empty theater, slapped him, and said, "Listen, I do not want to have s-- with you. My shoulder accidently brushed against you, it didn't mean anything. And I am sorry, but I don't think this date is going any further. Plus, you NEVER wear a Tux on a date."

I walked out of there and went home, he called me up, saying he was sorry, and also said that he spent the whole day before watching old dating movies and listening to his extremely loserish older brothers on what to expect on a date. Needless to say, we both get really shy when we walk past eachother in the hallway.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

More on Moms

I asked this girl to go bowling with me. We're both young mind you, teenagers, and so our parents drive us separately. We see each other and have an awkward 5 minutes of our parents talking, and us standing there looking at our feet. Then I realised I forgot my wallet, and my mum paid for me in front of my date. Great. Then just as our mums are leaving, my dear sweet mother turns around and says "xxxxx (name) sweety, how are you getting home?". realising we had no way of getting hom my mum offered, nay, demanded she stay with us til we finish. She sat at the end of the alley, and we bowled barely speaking a word to each other. When driving home, she jumped in back seat, and me not thinking jumped in front, and we barely talked all drive home, while my mum sung to her ABBA CD.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Scent of a Woman

Editors Note:I kinda wish the girl in this story could meet the guy in this story...(ah, love, sigh).
Believe it or not, and as God is my witness, this is a true story. About 18 years ago, (and this story is burned in my mind), I wanted so bad to go out with my brest friends sister, and she was hot, big rack, long legs and just beautiful. We flirted many times, and finally deceided to go out, and she wanted to go to the drive-in, and I was like "yes", and my first thought was to jump into her blouse. Well, we get to the drive in, we walked to the snack bar holding hands, bought our snacks and returned to the car. The movie started, and we started to get comfortable, when she said, "can I take off my shoes", and I was like "yes, go for it". Well then the nightmare began, (please I am not making this up), but her feet smelled like something died, and I still cannot figure out to this day, that she never even noticed it. But really it was so bad, I did not want to do "anything", but get air and out of that car, honestly it was that bad. I could not concentrate on anything, and the mood was out the window, really that bad. I convinced her to go out and sit on the bench and get some air and look at the stars. We went out of the car, and I could still not get that smell out of my nostrils and my mind. Well, I took her home and cleaned the dashboard (really) and we are still friends and she still does not know why, we never worked out. It might sound silly and stupid, but those feet will haunt me for the rest of my life, and I have only shared this stroy with a handful of people, (but I don't let anyone know who she was), and this story is a riot to many people. But that is the truth, and I don't know if there was a medical issue, or just dirty smelly sweaty feet, or what, but I will never forget that night. Thanks for letting me share. Please to the ladies out there, in no way and I trying to insult anyone, but this story is true...........

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Clark Gable

His newspaper ad that said " Handsome , generous man wishes to meet SWF? People say I look like Clark Gable"..

So I talk to the guy on the phone and he sounds very charming...I get a little suspicious when he asks you to meet him at his apartment...but I downplay that...
and so when I get there he is in an electric wheelchair with a companion dog and he is way overweight and is bald on top .No way does he look like Clark Gable!!

And I just now realize that I have a predjudice against dating overweight bald guys in wheelchairs. But I can't say that because that would be cruel...Meanwhile I am tongue-tied and at a loss for words...

So he says "Oh, I forgot to tell you on the phone that I am a quadriplegic"....And I am thinking..." I can see how that would be sooo easy to forget".... so I figure probably the generous part in the ad is not true either...and I was mostly right..

Howsoever I was stuck with him for awhile, because I was too nice to be mean....well he WAS FUNNY with a quirky sense of humor!!(which I later learned that most of that ebulient happiness and sense of humor was from drug use)...

....I lived thru it...He took me to the first rock concert (Doobie Brothers, right..) I ever went to (with his personal care aide) and on the way home, the aide's car broke down.. and we had to call a tow truck and the aide had to lift him (200lbs?) UP into the cab of the tow truck...I still don't know how he did it.

Anyway, eventually I broke up with him because he still liked to call other women on the phone and run his was like a hobby to him...he is dead now...I saw his aide a few years later and he told me his kidneys gave is stranger than life..

. anyway if spirits of the dead hang around to make amends to people close to them after they would sure be nice if he would whisper the numbers for the next winning superlotto in my is the least he could do to make amends, I think, don't you???

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Space Invader

Editors note: A big thankyou to my blonde pal from Chicago for letting me repost
her bad date tale.

I just took a vicodin, so I apologize now if this post is jumbled, has typos and grammatical errors. If you have problems with post that are not perfectly
written, click your "go back" button now.
I went to a holiday one month ago. It was mostly doctors and attorneys who attended. Let me say this...I think most attorneys, doctors and airline
pilots have this god like complex. I said MOST, not all. So therefore I usually do not connect with men who have these occupations.They also tend to think that women are impressed with their profession and when they figure that I am not...they lose interest. Fine by me, I want someone who has substance and charisma. So at the party, I was miserable. I went with a friend and I stuck around for her. I ended up chatting with a doc and we shared a few laughs.I honestly do not remember much of what we said.I had gotten in from Europe the evening before, and I was severly jet-lagged. So we exchanged numbers and agreed to go out for a bite or a drink sometime. Since then he had called and texted me non-stop. He called me yesterday and invited me to go dinner at Pops Champagne. I was would be nice to see him and this was a restaurant I heard so much about and never been.I was really looking forward to this date. So I picked out a cute outfit, wore some beautiful pearls and I was ready to go. I get in his was full of junk in the back and sort of smelled bad. Oh we go. We get downtown near the Hancock and park in the building next to it.He then says that he chose to go this pub/restaurant
in the Drake which was a few blocks. I thought maybe we were going in for a drink. Nope, I was wrong. He wanted to have dinner there too. I was so disappointed. What happened to Pop's??? He did not say anything and I certainly wasn't going to ask. But I was disappointed. The wine was OK, the food was sort of shitty...but we had good conversation and shared a few more laughs.
I knew at this point there was no "love" connection on my part. He was so vanilla and a bit awkward. There just wasn't chemistry, but he seemed nice. While
sitting there after dinner, he comes and sits next to me on my side of the booth. He starts touching and playing with my hair. I kept pulling my head away and scooting away from him. You would think that this would signal STOP TOUCHING MY HAIR! But no, it doesn't. He keeps scooting after me. I finally asked him politely to stop playing with my hair. Then he questions me about it! Listen, I don't want you touching my hair! Don't you dare question me about it. Be respectful and have some manners! He finished his wine and said let's go. He does not allow me to finish my wine, nor does he ask me if I am ready to go. We get up and he walks right in front of me, though the door and does not hold it.The fucking thing almost shuts on me!
We get outside and he suggests we go for a drink in the Hancock. I told him that I was going to call it night and go home. He started to beg and plead...just
saying one drink, it's a beautiful view and so on. I caved. Up we go, we get seats against the wall. He of course sits on the bench right next to me. He tries to touch my leg, hold my hand, tries to pull me into him. ARGH! Stop fucking touching me! I did not send out any body language that invited him to touch me and hang on me. I tried to scoot, pull away, removed his hand from my leg. What part are you not getting??? The fastest way to chase a woman away is not respecting her wishes, pushing yourself on her and invading her personal space.
He starts telling me about how he likes to bake and makes a wonderful fruitcake and I have to try it.I really did not have much to say except I don't care
for fruitcake or sweets. Finally he drops the topic.He then proceeds to ask about my last relationship...when, where, how long and so on. I answer Chicago, May-Nov. He said "Oh, a summer fling" and I said no. It was not a fling, it
was a relationship.Please do not undermind me and try to diminish what I say. You asked, I am answering.Oh and stop interrupting me when I am answering your stupid fucking questions.He proceeds to ask more about this gentleman I was in a
relationship with.It seemed he was comparing himself and getting jealous or something.I did not go on and on about the man.I gave simple, short answers that
did not contain TMI and were appropiate. Finally he drops that subject and we are ready to leave. He again steps right in front of me, like cutting me off.
In the elevator, he is trying to hug me and pull me into him again. ARGH! Get the fuck off of me!
We go outside and he grabs my hand and starts walking across the street. He then says let's go in here...It's in the front of the building where he parked. I can see a bar in the front and doorman on the other side for entry into the residence side. I thought he wanted to go to the bar. I said no thank you, I have had enough, I really want to go home. He got a little angry and started saying he lives there and we will not drink, I have some fruitcake for you to try and take home. I politely said no thank, I want to go home. He turns around and stomps off like a fucking two year old! He walks into the building and that was it! I am standing there like WTF??? I cannot believe a 47 year old man just reacted like this. I cannot believe he left me on the street in downtown Chicago at 12:30 am. What kind of a man does this? Clearly he has no class, no manners. I call his cell phone and leave him a message letting him know that he is a disrespectful, imcompetent jerk who possesses no dignity and no class, and under no circumstances are you to contact me, ever. I get in a cab and head
home. This fucker has the nerve to start shooting off whack-job texts! No apologies, just sorry wacky excuses. He wrote weird things like it wasn't going to work because he was moving back to CA. He also wrote things about the 4th grade...UGH! I never responded. I deleted the texts and his number and when I got home, I blocked his number. Seriously...this guy was so transparent. When he parked in the garage, he never said he lived there. He clearly decided he wanted to stay near his place and that's why the "change" in plans. He thought he could get me drunk and get me in his home.I may not be an academic type person, but I am certainly not stupid.I am very perceptive and there is not much that gets past me. I am always watching and listening...I don't miss a thing. Luckily for me, I don't like to get drunk and stupid and I keep my wits about me.I guess it's better to see someone behave like this on the first date. I rather they show their true colors now rather than finding out about their stalking tendencies in a few months.
What a fucking fruitcake!

Sunday, January 21, 2007


I went out on a blind date with this guy to the movies. After the date, we were sitting in his car in my driveway. He went to kiss me (I so didn't want to kiss him!) but he missed, we bumped heads instead. That was actually a funny moment in a crappy date. We talked for a bit more and then all of the sudden he starts asking me all these sexual questions. I half answered them because I really wanted to get out of the car but I didn't want to be rude. All of the sudden, he digs around in the backseat and whips out a video camera. He asked me to make a porn with him because he knew the date wasn't going well and he thought that would be an ice breaker. I swear, that is what he said! I was stunned so I didn't answer him right away thinking it was a joke. Then he started taking his shirt off and turning the camera on! After that, I didn't really care if I was rude or not and told him to shove his camera and make a porn by his damn self. Needless to say, there was no second date.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

The Shoe Guy

There was hot guy who used to bring his mint condition 1970 Cutlass 442 through the car wash where I and a friend worked (VERY upscale, we worked the registers inside)and he asked me out. Man I was excited, he was hot, had a good job, about 5 years older. I wore this cute little black dress with black hose and black stilettos.
All night long he stared at my feet. Hah, I thought, the shoes always get 'em. We sat together at a restaurant, I crossed my legs, and he was sort of stroking and playing with my calf and ankle. Everything seemed to be going well. When we left, we headed to the lake and parked and were talking. Then he leaned over and said "Let me see one of those shoes". Well, ok, sure why not? I handed it to him.
He proceeded to put it on his groin and grind it against his very "at attention" tool, until it looked like he got what he was after. Then he handed me my shoe back, took me home, and drove off. From the moment he took my shoe until he dropped me off at home I was SPEECHLESS!! I'd never heard of a shoe fetish before so this was totally new to me. I didn't know whether to throw my shoes out or offer them a cigarette.
He asked me out a few more times but I always declined, and I'd hide under the counter when he'd bring his car in for a wash. I told everyone at work and he rapidly became known as the Shoe Ef'er.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

The Hot Ticket

I once went on a blind date (friend set me up) with a man that ended up being old enough to be my father. i was horrified, but he was nice and I didn't want to be rude so we went to dinner and had a couple of drinks.
When we parted ways for the night he tried to get me to go back to his place and this is the line that he used (and yes, he was serious). "Baby, I think you are a real hot ticket. I have been thinking about making love with you all night long. I think you and I could be great together but you need to know that I have herpes. I don't like condoms but I like oral sex... I like to give it and I like to get it... but I won't use condoms".
At that point in the night I just laughed my *** off and got on the bus to go home.
I am not friends with the person that set me up on that date anymore btw.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

This Date Had Her in Stitches

It was the second and last date I had with this guy. The first date was AMAZING, but then the second one just wrong...
It all started when I decided to wear these new earrings I bought. They are gold and dangling...very pretty. But definitely meant to be taken off before messing around...and probably meant to be worn with hair that it up and tied tightly into a bun, not down.
We went to dinner then headed back to his place to watch a movie and hang out. We ended up on his bed and started fooling around...but my hair got stuck in my earrings and was all over my face and I couldn't see a thing. His mom walked in, my shirt was unbuttoned. When I tried to get up I tripped over my shoes and fell into the didn't break, but I got a cut on my head from something sharp and had to get stitches later. All the while his mom is just staring at me laughing.
I chose to walk home.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Kitchen Tongs?

I was going on a date with this guy and he came to pick me up from my house. Well, just like a girl, I wasn't ready but not because of the usual reasons. I was on my period and I went to get in the shower so I sat on the toilet and was taking my tampon out and the dang string popped! So, he called and said he was on his way. I flipped out. I went to the kitchen and got a pair of cooking tongs! That didn't work. I went ahead and took my shower and got ready by that time he was there. I was worried because leaving a tampon in for so long can be dangerous. So, when he got there I explained to him that I was having a problem and I needed to go to the emergency room! Obviously I had to tell him what was wrong and he thought it was hysterical. Pretty embarrassing if you ask me.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Lobster Girl

When I was around 30 I was introduced to a friend-of-a-friend from work, a gal named Karen. We talked a bit, she was my age and seemed nice enough, so we made plans to get together that weekend. I lived in JP at the time and she in Lynn, so we met about halfway and spent part or the day at Nahant Beach. This, of course, is that part where people start talking about themselves -- lives and work and romance history -- and we did likewise.

She had, she told me, been in a relationship for several years and broke up with the guy because of his drinking. Okay, fine, that's not unheard-of. Then went on to tell me that she had "seriously cut down" on her own drinking, and limited herself to only six or seven screwdrivers a night instead of twelve. Okay, small alarm bells started to go off in my head but I ignored them. She also casually mentioned that she didn't sleep with a guy right away, but once she did she became completely obsessed with him. The alarm bells turned into howling air raid sirens, but I still tried to ignore them. After a bit more small talk we packed up and left the beach.

We decided to grab a bite to eat and noticed a small place in Charlestown offering a twin lobster special. We stopped there and ordered food, and while waiting she slammed down three screwdrivers. But no big deal, right? The food came and we dug in. Lobsters are weird things and only about a third of them is edible in my opinion, so I tore off the shell parts and ate what was left. Toward the end of our meal she pointed to the little side claws or legs or whatever they are and said, "You're not going to eat those? There's good meat in them!" and grabbed mine up. I'd never bothered with them thinking the little toothpick of lobster meat inside wasn't worth all the effort of picking them apart.

I pecked around at my plate a bit more, finished up the fries and corn, and then glanced over at her. She was sitting there working on the small legs alright, not picking them apart but just eating them shell and all. "Oh, these are the best part! " she told me. Crunch, crackle, crunch, gulp... I managed not to look as horrified as I felt, muttered my way through the rest of the meal and we left. I promised to call later, when I had a minute. That was 1988 and I still haven't found time to call.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

A Day At The Pool

Once upon a time I was at this guy's house. We weren't officially dating, but we had started to see each other from time to time. Well, his neighborhood had a community pool, and it was a lovely summer day, so we decided to head on down there. I took off my pants, folded them up by the pool and jumped in. I started swimming laps around when I noticed him laughing uncontrollably.
All he could respond with was laughter and wide eyes, one finger extended at my chest. Turns out I had fallen out of my new bathing suit and had been flashing all the pool patrons for a good five minutes. That embarassment, however, was nothing compared to the rest of the day.
Little kids had been running along the pool deck the whole time, and it so happened one of them kicked my jeans into the pool "by accident". Thankfully, I had brought a cover-up. So, while my jeans hung out on his deck, we laid around on his red daybed, watching TV. He eventually fell asleep, and some moments later, his younger sister (who was about 8) came down the stairs into his room in the basement. She started to say something then immediately got a shocked expression on her face, and trudged back up the stairs. I shrugged and figured she forgot what she was supposed to say, realized he was asleep, or was just being a goofy kid. No harm done. May I mention at this point that my cover-up dress matched the duvet?
His darling sister came peeking around the corner a few minutes later, yelling for my date to go speak with their mother. The sister crossed him cautiously as he sleepily stumbled up the stairs, and came over to me wringing her hands.
"Um... Katie... can I ask you a question?"
"Sure sweetheart, what is it?"
"Ermh... why are you... naked?"
leaping out of bed and a good six feet I exclaimed, "I'm not naked!" and spread my arms to reveal my red cover-up. Her hands covered her mouth in shock.
"He's gonna kill me... oh no..."
"...what did you say?"
"Oh, god, he's gonna kill me... I told my mom... I thought you guys were having," she went into a whisper, "*sex*"
I stood there in shock. I'd known this guy about a week, and I was only in eighth grade.
His little sister started to run out of the room when he came storming back in, glaring. She shrank in fear and ran off.
In a few minutes, we were called to all sit in their den and wait to have a "talk" with his mother. The following hour was spent being lectured to by his mother, who had a very thick spanish accent and a fiesty attitude to match, then being driven home in what was perhaps the most awkward car ride of my life. Needless to say, I decided not to go back.

Monday, January 01, 2007

What's Your Story?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.