Editors Note: This guy needs to meet the girl from This Story.
This happened about a year and a half ago. I was out with some friends at the neighborhood hangout and in walked a guy I had never seen before. Mind you, this is a very close-knit part of town where everyone knows everyone else. This guy was a 6-foot-four-200-some-pound Michaelangelo sculpture in the flesh, I mean hot! And I liked the unpretentious manner he had about him, considering he was so good-looking. A few questions to some of the other locals told me he was 24, from a good, well-known family and had just moved back to the area. Intros are made, we talk a bit and exchange numbers before he left to meet friends elsewhere. He left me one hell of a sexy message at about 5am asking if I wanted to meet for breakfast (it was Saturday night, and we always hang out until daybreak) but unfortunately I already was having breakfast with this other guy I was casually seeing. So we end up getting together a couple of days later, on Tuesday night. We were out very late and I told him he could crash at my house. Well, he did. FOR THREE DAYS. I knew he had to be at work on Wednesday, but for the life of me, I could not get this big oaf to wake up. The entire day I was captive in my house. Although he had cred, was very well-known and I knew I was safe, I still didn't want to leave him alone in my house. He finally woke up at 4pm and went home to shower and change before coming back to watch a movie and order take-out. The next day was Thanksgiving and he went home for part of the day; he invited me to his house for Thanksgiving dinner since work precluded me from making it home for the holidays. Very nice indeed. After dinner we were planning on hooking up with some of my friends back at the local bar. So...dinner time. I bring a dessert (which is completely ignored by the family) and all I can say is that this family is straight out of Jerry Springer. The house was a MESS, everyone was screaming and fighting with each other and ignoring me, seemingly not happy at all that I was there in the first place, there was one relative lying on the couch with an oxygen mask, hacking his lungs up, a 300-lb aunt scarfing the food down with gasping breaths and bulging eyes, cats and dogs chasing each other, pulling a bag of trash around the kitchen...I don't know how I made it through dinner without puking. That was the fastest Thanksgiving dinner I ever had in my life, I think we were at the table for maybe 10 minutes. I couldn't get out of there fast enough. Anyway, we get back to my place so I could change into more casual clothes (silly me, why did I get so dressed up for dinner, he asked-ummm, because I was RAISED that way?!). Only after I got changed did he inform me that not going to work the other day meant he didn't get his paycheck...so the evening's entertainment was on ME. Now, I don't mind paying once in a while, but I don't like being ambushed about it. And considering his aforementioned height and weight, it was gonna take a whole lotta drinks to take this one down. So he goes upstairs to use the restroom and I run into the basement to call my friend, telling her to call me in exactly five minutes and to just go along with whatever I'm saying. I HAD to lose this guy. So she calls and I'm like, "Oh my God, I'll be right there!" I tell him my friend's sister was rushed to the hospital and I HAVE TO GO! She needs a ride, and I'll call him later. He's all, no problem, and oh, by the way, he says, "I used the toothbrush in the bathroom drawer, just so you know." I don't know how I kept myself from wetting my pants, because that is the toothbrush I use to scrub my sneakers when I clean them! (Poetic justice?) So I'm feigning rushing around, trying to get things together for the "ride to the hospital" when he finally leaves. I waited until he was out of sight before I rushed out to meet my friends, but at a different bar in case he showed up at the regular one! He proceeded to call my cell phone about five times in the next 30 minutes, not asking about how my "friend's sister" is, but what time will I be back so we can go out? To tell you how nutty this guy is, I come home to find a love letter from him...how I am the woman he has been looking for for all of his life (you're only 24, dude! And you've known me for like, six days!), he wants to be with me every minute of every day and he even has our children's names picked out!!! Give me a break! So I call him and tell him he's going too fast, I need to take it down a notch...long story short, I just stopped taking his calls and now when I see him around, he is really mean. Whatever.