Tuesday, May 30, 2006
DATE 1: He picks me up at my apartment complex. We make our way to a restaurant. It is freezing out. We are bundled up in sweaters and coats. Everything went good. At the end of the date he kisses me. Nice kisser. I agree to a second date.
DATE 2: 1 1/2 weeks later. It's still freezing out, sweaters and coats, hat and scarf. He again is a perfect gentleman. We went to a beautiful restaurant and the food was wonderful. We had another pleasant date with stimulating conversation. Kisses me again. Nice kisser. I agree to a third date.
DATE 3: He picks me up. He tells me we have to stop at his house so he can change his shirt. I accidently got a glimpse of him with the shirt off. I was so repulsed. I couldn't believe how well he hid that fat. I knew right then and there this was not going any further. I just couldn't. I know it sounds shallow and horrible. I have be physically attracted to a man with clothes and without.
I can deal with a few extra pounds, 5-10, 15 max. 20 or more? I can't do it. If he looks like that at 38, what will he look like at 48 or 58? The health problems that this brings on is something I don't want in a boyfriend/potential husband/life partner. Some will respond and tell me I should have talked to him about it. I will respond now. I shouldn't have to. Everyone knows about the health problems and potential health problems. Everyone knows that 65% of America is fat and/or obese. People who are overweight know they are overweight. They don't need to be told. I don't feel sorry for them. I see it as a choice. You choose to be that way. You choose what you eat. You choose whether or not you get your ass off the couch.
I now understand what guys mean when they say how some girls look good in clothes but horrible naked. I used to think it was mean, but it has happened to me. I think there is a nickname for this. I don't remember what it's called.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Set Up By A Co-Worker (never a good idea)
So it began.....the guy pulls into my driveway the night we were to go out in the oddest vehicle I'd ever been picked up in in my life. It was one of those electrical company trucks with the lift basket thing in the back. I thought maybe it was his work truck, but no, turned out he was unemployed....which would explain why the truck was spray painted with really bad attempts at red and purple flames.
Then he gets out of the truck. Now, I don't want to sound shallow....I try really hard not to get hung up on looks. But....
He had the biggest, gnattiest blonde curly fro I'd ever seen in my life, he had glasses thicker than pop bottles, and to top it off he was wearing a ripped up dirty t-shirt, ripped up jeans, and it looked like he hadn't showered for awhile.
But...I promised my friend, so I continued on with the date.
So, we catch up with the others and head to the theater. My friend's husband drives, so this guy decides he can drink, and proceeds to take out a fifth of vodka and pretty much inhale it before we even get to the theater. The movie starts, and he immediately begins making cat calls, loudly, at every good-looking woman on the screen, while trying to lean over and kiss me (unsuccessfully). About 10 minutes into the movie, he leaves, apparently to go to the bathroom....but he doesn't come back. I quite honestly was just fine with that.
However, about a half an hour later, one of the ushers comes down and informs us that my date has passed out on the roof of his brother's truck in the theater parking lot. So, we leave.
All the way home he was puking in the back seat, I don't think he once made it out the window (thankfully I was in the front seat, and only lived 5 min. from the theater...which was STILL 5 min. too long as far as I was concerned.)
That was, without a doubt, THE worst date I've ever been on in my life.
He even called me up the next day and asked me out again! Ha!! Like that was going to happen.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
The Good Friend
My friend and I planned to take our dates to this make- out place on a mountain top, but my friend's date got sick, which meant that it was my friend, my date, and me (my friend and I had met our dates the night before). Part of our mountain top journey was that we had to drive on a mountain fire road, and snow had fallen the night before.
Of course all the party animals and 4X4-ers were out that same afternoon enjoying the snow and drinking beer; somehow, though, as we drove along the mountain road, some ace managed to throw a ice-ball through my open window, and the ice-ball hit my cheek and mouth.
The ice-ball gave me a fat, bloody lip, and a swollen cheek, which meant no making out; my date decided to go at it with my friend (that was 30 years ago, and for the record I am still close with my friend). Fortunately, I was able to make use of the abundant snow and make a compression pack to at least minimize my cheek swelling.
Jabba The Putz
This story is entirely true! I had been talking to this guy via an AOL chatroom (I know I was pathetic) and he seemed nice although he stated he didnt have a picture of himself but described himself as tall, blonde with a couple of tattoo's. Normally, I am not caught up in appearances as I think personality is more important, so I didnt really press the issue of not knowing exactly what he looked like.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
If the Spew Fits...
I very rarely drink hard booze but on my first visit to my new boyfriends parents house, whiskey was all the Dad served...long story short, couldn't find the bathroom, did find my boots
(by the door), threw up into them, put them on, and asked to be taken home. Never saw the guy again and no kiss goodnight either...hmmm must not have liked my cologne.
Now my friends story is worse. The combination was beer, a very , very small bladder, very, very big house and bad directions to the bathroom. She ended up in the laundry room and as she explained "There was just no time left, I HAD to go!" So she lowered her panties, hiked up her skirt and tried to daintly "perch" on the side of the laundry room sink...after the loud crash, the whole family (grandparents too) rushed in to find my friend drunk, on her butt, skirt up by her head, panties by her ankles and lying amidst the remains of a broken sink! It must be love, because, amazingly, they invited her back!
A Stain In Spain
Some years ago. a Welsh friend of mine was visiting the Spanish resort of Majorca where one morning he met a young French girl, also on vacation. They hit it off immediately and spent the day together laughing, drinking and seeing the sites. Later, after a very filling, spicy Spanish meal...and lots of Sangria, the time seemed right and he invited her back to his hotel. Arm in arm, they strolled along the beachfront to the rear of the hotel where, as a shortcut, he decided to climb over a small fence at the rear of the property. Always a gentleman, he helped the young lady over first and then attempted a manly, one handed vault to join her on the other side...it was at this point, in midair, that his bowels betrayed him. As if the loud sound (we've all heard the stepped on duck analogy) wasn't bad enough. The unmistakable feel of a growing stain in the rear of his white, linen pants, plus the look of horror on his ladyfriends face, told him the date (like the stain) was at an end.
Crazy For You (or maybe just crazy)
After talking to this girl on the phone that I had met
from a newspaper singles ad we decided that since she
did not drive I would have to pick her up at her
house, violating my rule of always conducting the
first meeting in a neutral public place. since I
worked the evening shift after I got off of work one
evening we went to the only 24 hour restaurant that
was open, as if it was not bad enough when she started
talking to herself . It really freaked me out when she
started answering herself, having a conversation with
herself. I was expecting to see her head spin 360
degrees and for her to start spewing pea soup, like
the scene out of the movie The Exorcist. So needless
to say I got her home as soon as possible, I declined
her invitation to come in as I dropped her off,
claiming that I was too tired and practically laid
rubber trying to get away from there! Never to be seen
or heard from again!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
What's Your Story?
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org or leave it in the comments section below.
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
HE HAD DOUBLE-BOOKED!
We all had a laugh about it and decided to skip dinner and go straight to the club for drinks, where I met his sister (who was great fun). His "other friend" complained of a headache, so he said he was going to give her a lift home. I was abandoned! His sister (who had adopted me) said not to worry, I could get blind drunk with her and crash at her place... which happened to be next door to her brother (they had bought adjoining apartments in an apartment complex).
Anyway, we went back to her place and saw his car there, so we decided to pop in and call him a stopout for not coming back to the club. She had a key and we snuck in because the lights were off. We snuck up to his room and yelled "surprise" as we switched on the light.
WELL! There were two in the bed! They were on opposite sides of the bed with their backs to one another, both looking VERY dissatisfied.
His sister and I ran back out, laughing hysterically. We went back to the club and found a couple of likely lads to keep us warm for the night.
In the morning, I knocked on his door and asked him if he could give me a lift home... and he did... ha ha ha ha ha!
Sunday, May 21, 2006
One Nut, No Starch Please...
I once went out with a guy who is allergic to cornstarch and when we went out he had the waitress tell him what was in the food she had to go the the chef and ask them not to cook or put any cornstarch in any food, he asked me not to order anything with cornstarch in it to( because he thought we we're gonna sleep together) he was wierd with it because all through the date he kept telling me about him being allrgic to cornstarch and he's brother was too, after a few minutes of this I left in the middle of the date when I order dessert and he said loud " OH PLEASE IF IT HAS CORNSTARCH IN IT I COULD DIE"
I walked right out, everyone, I promise ,was clapping ( because he was such a nut). He called me the next day and ask if he could take me out again I said no because until this day I wonder if he meant take me out as in on another date or take me out ( by shooting me because I walked out)
I said no way and told him to lose my number
Friday, May 19, 2006
It was right after I got out of a very long, very terrible relationship, yet it was before I met my husband. I was sitting at my house with my roommate and one of those commercials came on TV for the telephone dating service. TeleMates or something like that. Well, I had been drinking just a bit so I decided to call it for fun.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Hungry For Love?...no, just hungry
I had to work later than expected, called her and apologized, if she wanted to change that was cool with me she just said she was hungry. I could understand, so was I. We met at Italian Village at 745 or so, and introducted ourselves. Dinner came and she was not messing around, she looked like a cow the way she put the food down, cleaned one plate, then ate mine. She then made the comment after ordered a entire cheesecake that she likes dates where she can get two for one (eat dinner and have lunch to take home). Still in shock I di did not look at the bill, just paid it and we left. I put her in a cab home, where she had to sit in the back by herself to let her stomach go down she ate so much. She got home and I said goodbye. The next day she calls and says thank you for the date and wanted to see me again. I told her I was busy. As I type this I think of the women who post ads looking for and wanting a decent guy, and it sucks that so far the only ones who have replied to me have been pigs.
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Then there was a guy who asked me out to dinner. We went out to a nice place. He ordered up big and got a REALLY nice bottle of wine and even ordered dessert and coffee. When the check came he said "You look like you make more than me, you pay the check and I'll put out later!"
And being the magnet for losers that I am there is the guy who asked me out and then showed up with a pad of post-it notes. He proceeded to stick the notes everywhere. They all had his phone number on them because he said it was a "social experiment" to see if anyone would call him.
And lastly there was the guy who couldn't have sex without having The Simpsons playing on the TV! When he came he said "Oh God! Oh Marge!" Needless to say I didn't wait around to have little Bart, Lisa, and Maggie with him :-P
Monday, May 08, 2006
Bear with me...this is long but it's goooood! I'm a flight attendant, and many years ago (before 9/11, when we could come and go into the cockpit as we pleased) I had a really hot pilot captaining my flight. Now, hot pilots are hard to come by, so suffice it to say that I spent a good deal of the late-night flight up front. He was a fun guy and we had a lot in common, namely sailing as, it turns out, we both grew up on the beach. He asked if I ever made it out to the city where he was based. I told him I had a layover there the next week. We made plans to hook up then, where we would take his sailboat out to this island. GREAT!
The next week, I check in for my flight and there's an email from him, saying he'll call me at the layover hotel when I get in, which he does. I tell him I'm going out dancing with my crew and he says, well, we have to get up early to make it out to the island and back in time. I said it's no problem, just pick me up at 5:30AM. I get back to my hotel at 3AM, set the alarm for five, and I get up and get ready. Now, wait, I don't have his number. I have to wait until he calls ME, which isn't until about 11. Now, he says, it's too late to sail, but we can take his dad's powerboat. Okay, so we meet in the hotel lobby, and go out to get his car. But wait! Do I have my airline ID? Why? BECAUSE MR. $200,000 A YEAR CAPTAIN WANTED TO GET THE DISCOUNTED PARKING RATE. It was only like $7 without it! Anyway, the valet brings the Corvette, which I start walking over to, since he told me he had THREE Corvettes. But no, it wasn't his car, I see him walking over to a totally beat-up early 90's Honda. This car was dirty, dented and trashed. But whatever. Turns out, he "doesn't have a license for the powerboat," so we're just going to get something to eat. But first he wants to show me the "house he almost bought" in Malibu. Driving up PCH, we pass this anomaly of Malibu, a mobile-home park...where, he tells me, his hot stripper cousin THAT HE SLEPT WITH lives with her deadbeat husband. (okay, I slept with a FIFTH cousin years ago when I was young and horny, but now it just sounds creepy.) Now he can't find the Malibu Colony, even though he supposedly almost bought a house there. I had to tell him where it was, and I'm not even from there. Okay, so we go to this restaurant on the beach, where he drones on and on about his money, and, "can you believe I have three 'Vettes and never drive them?" Honestly, I don't know what I do and don't believe at this point. After lunch (for which I offered to pay my share-and he accepted), we head back to the hotel. I figure since this date went to pot at least I can get in a little tan time at the pool. He insists on going in with me and follows me to the market where I grab some margarita mixin's. Since it was a huge hotel with a lot of dark and deserted hallways, he insisted on walking me to my room, which I actually appreciated, since there had recently been a rape at the hotel. So he comes inside, we're talking, and he takes a mini-bottle of tequila and drinks it right down. Then he throws, I mean Hail Mary passes this bottle across the room into the window. Next, he punts the paper bag that had the margarita mix in it. Can you say, repressed anger? WTF? Next he starts undoing his belt and when I ask what he's doing, he goes, "I'm taking my dick out." "Why?!", I ask. "Cause we're going to do it." I'm like, dude, the only thing you are going to do is an ABOUT FACE and get the fuck out of my room before I scream bloody murder. Thankfully he left peacefully but not before asking if I could escort him downstairs to-yes, you got it- use my ID for cheaper parking. DECLINED. To which he replied, "OH, and on a scale of 1-10, you're about a four. Maybe a five." Oh my God.
Friday, May 05, 2006
I had a guy from Orlando take me to Boston Lobster Feast, which is a pretty awesome place to go! ( all you can eat lobsta! ) He insisted we get there by a certain time, ( like right when they opened the front door. He insisted we sit at a particular table so he could see the lobsters come out of the kitchen piping hot.. he insisted I get nothing to drink but water, as it would fill me up, then leaving LESS room for the losbter... and then after listening to him tell me how he was suspended from teaching high school pending an investigation, (cause he got arrested when the police pulled his car over while speeding, being driven by a prostitute who was in the car with him, without a license and she of course, had drugs on her) and watching him strap on his feed bag for about three hours, he asked me to pay half the bill and half the tip. Then he took me to a lake down the street, where I payed for the parking and tried to get me to walk around the lake at a swift pace ... ( 3/4 mile around the lake. ) I made it a half lap, sat down and smoked a cigarette while he finished his walk. When he was finished we drove back to his place so I could drop him off. On the trip he told me I was "pudgy" and should have walked and smoking would kill me. Ah, btw, he was wearing a Florida Marlins T shirt, green socks and reddish colored shorts and black tennis shoes with velcro, but they were WAY outta date.( Like 1980) When I pulled in the drive way, he said.... " So you wanna come in and give me a B***J** or what? I don't think this guy ever batted an eye when he said that or to this day has no clue what a total WAD he is....
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
The Marlins Fan