Monday, December 28, 2009

All That and Granny Too!

ok here goes...

When I was 16 one of my high school friends had set up a blind date with one of her so called "friends" who at the time was 21 and apparently "nice and cute" he was supposed to pick me up after school one day..which I spent a lot of time prettying myself up....So tell me why when I walked outside... he rolled down the windows from the backseat of an ugly run down car and waves me to come as soon as I saw him I was like..OH GOD! I walked over and comes to find out his grandmother who has an oxygen tube next to her was apparently our chauffeur and he was in the backseat waiting for me...

So I felt bad and being that I don't break promises ...I got into the car to be smothered by him... then his grandmother took us to the mall and he took my hand and pulled me to the side and I kept trying to get away and he grabbed my face and then slobbered all over my face and shoved his tongue down my that point I screamed and luckily a group of guys came over and asked if I needed that point I felt bad and just said no..

So I went on with the worst date of my life and he was a total pig..he ate all of his food and some of mine..for which he took me out to Taco Bell... and apparently he had issues with keeping his mouth closed while chewing... I insisted that I went home before my parents found out and so he called his grandmother to come pick us thinking he was 21 and all that he would have a car and would be driving..but NO. so when I got home I took two showers and then got online to yell at my friend and looked at his AIM profile and noticed that his profile message had a poem about how much he loves me the point I wanted to gag...

Friday, October 16, 2009

Stage 4 Clinger

Ok so. First off, dude doesn't have a car. *sigh* Fine, I understand. Ok, so we decide to meet at Walmart (because I need to get a Boss's Day card and a gift card.) So I go in Walmart, he sees me and runs up to me and hugs me. THEN remains within 1 inch of me all through Walmart. I can't walk with out his arm around me. UGHHHHHHHH SO ANNOYING. Then he's like 'can I hold your hand? Can I hold your hand?" Hello? I JUST MET YOU.

So then that's done. We go to eat. At the restaurant we walk in and I choose a booth. When we sit down, I literally take up my whole side in an effort of saying "I need you to sit on your own damn side. I need space, you're in my personal bubble." So he takes the hint AFTER asking me if he could sit next to me and I was like "uhhhhhhh". So the second he sits down, his hands are on the table in an attempt to hold my hand. So I grab the menu (I've been to this place a trillion times. I know the menu. I dont' need it) And I take the LONGEST time looking at it.

Then the waitress comes up, and his hands are still on the table, like, so that the second I set the menu down, he's gonna grab them. So I jokingly slap them away (as to not make our waitress uncomfortable) HE THEN proceeds to say to the waitress, "Do you see what I have to deal with all the time?" Really? All the time? Because we just met. Why are you speaking as if we've been dating for months....

Ok so... he wants to hold my hand while we eat. And every five minutes it's "Do you like me? Are you having a good time? Do you like me? Am I what you want?" UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THEN OMG. THEN he asks me what I want for Christmas.... WHAT????????

So finally I'm sick of it, and I can't pretend to be enjoying it anymore. I'm just like "Look.... I just want to tell you that I'm not a touchy feely person." (I totally am, he's just taking it TO THE MAX) And he was just like, oh okay. Then he... doesn't stop. -__- and I'm clearly getting pissed off. So finally he's like "Look, maybe we rushed into this too fast. I think maybe we should just try to be friends". UHHHHHHHHH YEAH BUDDY. I'VE BEEN GIVING YOU THAT VIBE FOR THE PAST HOUR.

Then he's like "omg you look like you're gonna cry. don't be upset, I'm not rejecting you"

REALLY? I look like I'm gonna cry? So what we learned is, when I look the most happy, it apparently looks like I'm gonna cry. Maybe tears of joy?

Friday, October 09, 2009

Dinner with Woody

So once I was out to dinner with my ex boyfriend and his parents and we were sitting in a booth. I was sitting next to him with his parents across from us. We were holding hands under the table when he moved my hand into his lap and i discovered he had an erection! I was shocked but tried not to let it show. And then he started rubbing my hand againest his erection! I quickly moved my hand away and excused myself from the table. I went outside grabbed a cab then texted my at the time bf that i had a family problem and had to leave. I broke up with him the next day. It was quite horrifying at the time but all my friends find it hilarious. I sorta do now but I most certainly didnt then! I mean i was 15 then! It was so gross!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Your Turn. Got a True Bad Date Story to share?

Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Chat Line and Cheetos

I have one. I met a guy on the chat line a couple of years ago. He wouldn't send me any pictures because he said he didn't have a camera phone. I talked to him for about 2 weeks and then we agreed to meet. He picked me up from a friends house and we went out to Chilli's to eat. Ok I am a very nice looking young lady--I only wanted to see what the chat line was all about. This guy was about 350lbs and on a breathing machine. Ok I said "I'm going to deal with it because I am hungry and I want a steak." We got to the restaurant and he brought the oxygen machine in with him. I was so embarassed. He ordered so much food that there was not enough room for my meal. He had three different types of ribs and all kinds of entrees. People were looking at us laughing and probably talking about us as well. Anyway--the waitress made a lil space open for my meal.
Description--He told me he was 30 when he looked every bit of 45.
He had a big bald spot in his hair and he was just disgusting all the way around. I was so ready to go. Ok-we left and I noticed that he wasnt heading for the freeway---I asked"where are we going" and he said that he had to stop at home and feed the dog. Ok-we stopped at his house and wanted me to get out of the van! I didn't want to but I did and in the middle of a snow storm. He opened the door and the pit bull came running out towards me. I am terrified of dogs and fell off of the porch in a desparate attempt to get away from it. It paid me no attention but there I was laying in the snow-cold-and wet. Ok now I'm pissed. I go in the house and his mom came out drunk as a skunk. In a way I was glad his mom was home (figured he couldn't do anything stupid with his mom in the house) but she was so drunk that she didn't know if she was coming or going! I also thought it was weird that this grown azz man was still living at home with mama!! Anyways---the house was a complete mess. There were flaming hot cheetos in the carpet, m&m's, life savers and twinkie wrappers----he blamed it on his kids----right??? Anyways----to make a looooonnnnggggggg story short!! He refused to take me back to my friends house so I could get my car until the morning. He fell asleep and I plotted to steal his van and drive myself back. I was sitting in his room (and to all of you sick people---no we did not do anything in there---no touching, no talking, no nothing) I opened the room door and there was the pit bull growling at me---I was stuck in the room afraid of what the dog would do to me if I attempted to go into the hall way!! I sat in a chair all night while his fat azz slept like a fat azz baby--------he took me back to my car in the morning after asking me to pump his gas for him in the morning. That was the last time I called the chat line.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Drinking is an Art

I live in a city in which most people claim there "isn't anything fun to do," which could not be further from the truth. Imagine my delight when I met a guy who thought spending a day at the art museum would be fun.

I picked him up around 9:00 a.m. He lived a little ways out of town. I am not particularly interested in art, but breezing through the museum looking at cool things I would otherwise probably never see is a great way to spend the day, like going to a zoo with exhibits of other people's imaginations instead of animals. I'm adding this because he seemed very nervous about the museum. Like he had been studying all night. As I was reassuring him that we were just going to go walk around, it dawned on me: he was drunk.

I get drunk. I like drinking. I confess that I have woken up a little tipsy -- and it WAS Sunday morning. But he proceeded to finish his (previously unseen) beer before we hit the road.

Unlike many of the drunks on this website, he was reasonably coherent and reasonably friendly. Since he was particularly cute, I am making up excuses for him ("Hair of the dog! Who hasn't been there?"). So, the dumbass count of people on this date is now officially two.

As we are on our way to the museum, he insists we stop his car by his friend's house that he hasn't seen in awhile because he wants to introduce me to him. I am now a deer in headlights. Drunk headlights.

We spend twenty minutes while he alternately calls his friend and rings on their apartment bell. "Maybe we should just get going" doesn't seem to be working, so I give up. After wasting all of this time he remarks that his friend is probably asleep because "he works until, like, 3 in the morning." Ya think?

We are now halfway to the museum. He wants to stop at a gas station. Since we both smoke, I think nothing of this. He walks out with a six pack. Not your average six pack, no. He gets a six pack of Guinness draught pints that are expressly created to be poured into a glass. You've probably already guessed that it didn't stop him from cracking one open in the car. I eject the beer from the car and explain to him that I don't drive around with open containers. He apologizes. How sweet!

We are now almost to the museum. He remembers that an old professor of his lives just around the corner. At this point, I am thinking about ways to get rid of him, and this seems perfect. So, he cracks a beer and gets out of the car. I know what you are thinking (DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE) but he has been really nice about being a total drunk so far, and he is really cute, and me being lonely, I decide to check out this professor.

We walk for a few blocks. Wait, correction: I walked. He stumbled around and nearly fell. Mind you, he is still very much able to carry on a conversation. No motor skills though. And he is denying he is drunk. Whatever, I'm locked and loaded, although I'm pretty sure I could have outran him at this point, the revenge wheels in my brain were already starting to turn.

We finally find his professor's house. He tries the front door. Tries the back door. Looks in their mailbox. There are no curtains on this house. I ask him, "So, they, don't really care for furniture, do they?" Silly him! He forgot his professor sold that house and that he no longer lives there.

I tell him that is okay, and that there is still plenty of time to go to the museum. I tell him I think he is kinda drunk and that it would probably just be faster if I walked the three blocks to my car and picked him up. He says "No, no, no." And then I hit him with an offer he can't refuse: "If I go get my car it will be way faster -- plus your beer will be cold so you can have another before we go to the museum." His eyes light up. Sold.

I half jog to my car. I open the door -- long enough to remove his beer -- and carefully lay it down in front of my driver's side tire. I turn the car on, and ease over the cans. Pop. Fizz. Smush. I missed one, so I manually dumped it. I was so angry, I wanted to drive by the house and flip him off. Instead I turned around in a drive way, and went in the other direction, wondering how long it took him to figure out what had happened.

Too bad he lived way out in the suburbs. Hope he got home okay. I wasn't worried -- he probably knew someone that lived close by, right?

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Got a True Bad Date Story to Share?

Got a true, bad date story you'd like to share with the world? If so, you've found the place to do it! Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.

The Tour

i went on a date once with a guy who actually had an itinerary, a list of places he wanted to go. i thought it was strange and felt like i was on a tour and he was my tour guide. we got one drink in each place and then we'd move on to the next place. by the end of the date, my feet were killing me. i was in heels and a dress and i felt sweaty and tired because we must walked for miles and miles in downtown. then, he offered me dinner and im thinking, "finally, we can sit down for longer than one drink," so we hop in a cab and instead of going to a restaurant, we go back to his dark dingy studio apartment. it resembled the apartment in the twix commercial, where the guy claims his place is a mess because he's been robbed. so i ask him, "weren't we going to dinner?" and he said, "yes, we're eating here. i'll cook for you." i was trying to be a good sport and sometimes home cooked meals are better than a night in a restaurant but he never got to cooking. instead he served me another drink and tried getting fresh with me. that's when i made my exit. hungry, for not having had dinner, and not even buzzed because for every drink we had, we walked like 3 miles. ugh!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Super Bad Date

I met this woman on-line, Yeah I know of ALL places....I was a beginner.
We swapped pics and numbers we talk via web cam a few times...She was from Boston, I am from NYC

I am in retail consulting , she told me she was a "promo-model" which is like being a Corona girl at events and things of that nature car shows etc etc. She is also a single mom of one child boy about 6

So I tell her to come to the city for a weekend I would fly her down.
She flies down with kid in tow, YES I paid for both of them,,,,,no biggie

She is exactly who she seemed to be. EVERYTHING is working out fine, the kid likes me and so far we are getting along GREAT.

We go to a restaurant on our way to my place. We went to a very nice family style Italian restaurant on the upper east side of Manhattan, I live in Columbus Circle.

So we go to my place the kid is tired out, he falls asleep in a matter of minutes.
We are there talking and having a great time, when I decide to make my move.........BINGO she reciprocates and everything is fantastic!!!!!!!!
She tells me that she will NOT sleep with me on the 1st night, which is fine I respected that.
So she goes to the bathroom to change into something to sleep in....

WOWOWOWOWOW She comes out in the tiniest T-shirt every made....BTW did I mention she was a model?
She was displaying what I would say was 34dd's (REAL) on a 5'8" frame with a 23" waist....To be honest she was more of a porno/stripper-looking girl then a model type

So we fool around a bit but we did not have sex.....BOY AM WAITING FOR IT NOW.

I wake up she is in the kitchen, getting some juice,she changed her T-shirt I guess for the kids sake..
BOY am I living the life...........We order in breakfast......................

We go to Central Park, I'm right down the block, we do the zoo thing, pretzels thing, EVERYTHING is GREAT GREAT GREAT. He I am holding a kid's hand and swinging him with his mom in the park. Shit I'm thinking to myself I'm like a Daddy hahahahaha

We were suppose meet one of her friends who is in the same business, she lives not too far from me and we all spoke on the phone. We were going to meet up that night....EVERYTHING IS GREAT !!!!! WOOO HOOO FOR ME.
Anyway she tells me can we cancel the plan to met her friend she just wants to spend time with me
Who am I to say no, I'm thinking. We make plans with her friend for the next day Brunch kind of thing

We go to Blockbuster, grab two movies and a bunch of candy and snacks.
You know at this point I'm spoiling the kid to no end... So he is walking around with a shopping bag of goodies that would make any kid jealous even on Halloween..........

EVERYTHING is great again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The boy falls asleep, we go into the bedroom.
To cut it short, we had animal sex for about 3 hours.....EVERYTHING you could imagine we did...

All day was surreal, everything was great..................UNTIL

Her friend calls up and says she has to cancel on us she just got booked for a gig in the city being a video ho for some rapper..............

She got soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo jealous I could see her face change in front of my eyes.
she got so mean and intolerable. so I let her stew thinking she would get over it.
I went to play video games with her son in the living room while I let her cool off.

So being a super black belt master video gamer
I started a championship match with her son, letting each game to be won by only one point.....
so it is all tied up 3 games a piece and guess what???? The boy wins !!!! WOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO WE start jumping up and down he is SO happy to win!!!!!!
His mom comes in and starts yelling at him at the top of her lungs!!!!!! STOP MAKING ALLLLLLLLL THAT NOISEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE WHAT IS WROOOOOOOOOOOOONG WITH YOU !!!!!!!

I tell her it's ok he won the game and we are just celebrating, and my neighbors won't complain.
she starts YELLING at me like I'm a child DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO SAY TO MY SON !!!!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU AHHHHHHHHHHHHH she made MORE noise then me and the kid EVER did
So the boy says in a meek voice, "Mommy we are just having fun, please don't yell anymore please Mommy"

She slaps the kid in the face REAL hard !!!! I mean leave 4 fingers on his cheek hard, I thought his head was going to spin like on a cartoon. He did a 360 and landed next to my couch crying.......

She picks him up by one arm and flings him into my bedroom area. She barks at the kid, KNEES NOW.
the kid goes to his knees crying.
I try to get her to clam down a little and I tell her, "Listen it is ALL my fault I was the one who started the yelling with your son, he did not do anything wrong. So please blame me"
she starts flipping out WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU TO TELL ME ABOUT MY SON?? she just starts ranting and raving and just becoming a mad woman!!!!!

She makes her kid kneel and put his arms straight up in the air. Try doing this on hardwood floors for more then 2 minutes, go head I'll wait...

The kid is crying she slaps him again, then she slaps him for getting her hand wet with his tears.
So I'm like, "I can't have this happening in my house, you MUST stop this now or leave"
She starts yelling at me like crazy I go and change her flight to the next one available and it wind up costing me like 400-500 bucks to change it. At this point well worth it.....

She goes to get dressed in the bathroom I grabbed the kid and hug him and tell him just to be very quiet and do not say anything or talk at all.

I call her a car to take her to the airport and I think the nightmare is over...............UNTIL

I get the C.I.A. the F.B.I and local Boston Police and the NYPD I get the client who I was working for at the time....They are a major fortune 500 company...calling me also

She called the FBI telling them I work for the CIA and I'm working against them all I'm really a spy/double agent or something to this affect...
This is what I could gather from this nightmare
She walks into the Boston PD precinct she tells the desk sergeant this crazy story. I'm pretty sure she was working her "assets" and flaunting 5" of cleavage and this clown wants to save her and listens to her crazy story. then he contacts the CIA and FBI and then they get involved

So 5 months later and after numerous background checks and being followed and bugged and whatever else our agencies do while they are watching someone. losing a major client (the lost gig cost me 73,500.00 in fees) and that referral (worth even more). I was finally out of that mess

Fast forward 2 years later..................................Guess who is posting on Craigslist looking for love once again........? THE SHE DEVIL!!!!!

Well that's my story......................I am now with someone I met in the city, and she is normal for now.......working on year two with her.....

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Good in Heels

It wasn't really all that bad but I was talking to a girl on the internet and we were making plans to meet up. The day we are supposed to meet we email a couple of times and in the last email she aksed how tall I was. I responded with the honest answer of 5'10". She responded with much relief and said that she should have asked earlier because she doesn't like to date guys who are shorter than her. I asked how tall she was and she said 5' 10" as well. I thought, ok, maybe a little superficial but I guess I wouldn't want to date a girl who weighed more than me so lets just call it a wash.

Anyway, I get to the bar and see her sitting on a stool and go introduce myself. She proceeds to stand up and shake my hand and is at least 2 inches taller than me as she is looking down into my eyes. I then notice that she is wearing these super high heels. I let it go for a while but the Seinfeld in me had to make an issue of it. I asked her why, if she likes to date guys taller than her, would she decide to put on 3 inch heels when she knew exactly how tall I was which was exactly her same height. She just told me that she looks good in heels.

What does "look good in heels" mean?? I'm a guy, the only thing I am paying attention to when it comes to what you are wearing is how your ass looks in your jeans. Guys don't care about shit like high heels or painted nails. I can guarantee that she didn't look any hotter in those heels than she would have in a pair of Chuck Taylors and she wouldn't have been towering over me all night.

Anyway, I just couldn't go out with her again. Oh, and not only that, she was also cross eyed.


This guy I went on a date on kept trying to kiss me. I was like I was just getting to know him. Well, we were sitting around in his car and I was next to the window..he kept getting close to me and tapped my shoulder, so I turned my head towards him and he moved his head to try to kiss me and licked my nose! better yet, he got a good taste of a booger.

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Ok, Now What's Your Story?

Got a true, bad date story you'd like to share with the world? If so, you've found the place to do it! Just send it as an e-mail at or leave it in the comments section below.