Tuesday, January 22, 2008

A Man with Taste

I started dating this guy roughly two weeks ago, and let me tell you friends, it was a bad choice. I was fooled into thinking that a future doctor, that's into running, is focused, loves my body and personality, and best of all thinks I'm hilarious was a damn good person to date. Nope, fucking WRONG.
We went on our first date, it was all nice and fun. And of course, since I'm a floozy, I made the stupid decision to get naked with him. FUCK (which we did not do)! Either way, it was sufficiently awkward, because I learned that he'd only been with one other girl, and I also learned that he doesn't masturbate like a normal fucking human being. He likes to... hump his bed or some awkward shit like that. Now I've been told that I rock at head. I don't mean to toot my own tits, but it's true. I still, to this day, get calls, texts, what have you from guys from the past asking for another go. Although I may be the queen of bitchin' blowings, I cannot replicate the feeling of bed humping, IMPOSSIBLE. But now I've just gone off track.
From our first kiss I knew there was something up. He didn't taste like anyone I'd ever kissed before. I didn't really think much of it and continued. We saw each other pretty much every other day that first week. Then the first night I slept over, not only was I humped in my sleep, (which was a really awesome "What the fuck?!" moment in my life...) I also learned that this nasty, dirty motherfucker doesn't brush his teeth in the morning. Yea I'm serious. We were about to leave, and I was like, "aren't you going to brush your teeth?"
To which he responded, "I don't brush my teeth in the morning."
I flipped the fuck out, I figured out what that weird taste was! It was morning teeth goo. AHHHHHHHHHHH, SHITTT! GROSS! How fucking stupid do you have to be, to not brush your teeth in the morning, that's like the prime fucking time to brush your goddamn teeth, when all the bacteria are grown and ready to spill from your gullet, fuck face! So I let him know that was absolutely disgusting (not quite as harshly as above) and made him brush his teeth. I was so grossed out by this, that I didn't see him for a good part of the week.
Here's a fun fact for y'all: When you kiss someone, their spit stays in your mouth for 3 days. YEAH 3 FUCKING DAYS. So two days ago, I wake up with this pain in my mouth. I now have a fucking SORE in my mouth because this dumb mother fucker can't brush his goddamn teeth! If that isn't enough, I woke up today with a sore throat. I don't get sick. I just don't, ever. If I do, it's because of my horrid tonsils/adenoids. This shit is like in there. I'm poisoned!
I take care of my teeth, I mean check out my stellar chompers below, I fully expect the same from you! So take word from the wise, brush your teeth!
I will end with this lovely video: http://glumbert.com/media/readabook
I wish he saw this before all else.

111 comments:

Anonymous said...

Spit DOES NOT stay in your mouth for 3 days, even if you don't eat or drink anything. Saliva is constantly being secreted and swallowed.
What can remain in you are certain kinds of bacteria, as well as herpes, which usually stays for life and flares up long after the infection. That sore could well be from one of your many blowjobs in the past.

Monica said...

Oh how brave you are good sir. Assuming that I am a huge whore. Yup, I blow everyone, totally right.
Actually, since I am the president of a sex education organization in Chicago, I get tested every six months. This includes HIV/AIDs, STI's, and the new Herpes test. Some how this nasty ass guy's diseased mouth is now my fault. I love it when people blame the victim. I know the difference between herpes and a canker sore brought on by some nasty fucker's lack of teeth brushing.
It was actually a typo when I wrote saliva, I did mean salivary bacteria.
I'm not ashamed of the fact that I like sex. So don't try to make me or any other woman feel bad about it, because that's bullshit.

Anonymous said...

Monica: You sound like such a refined, demure and refined young lady. Is your last name Lewinsky?

So-lo said...

The Walk of Shame takes on another meaning.

Anonymous said...

WHOLY SHIT MAN!!!

Anonymous said...

Guys call you when the girls they actually want to get with are busy. That's why it's "time to time".

Anonymous said...

Here is a poem for you:

Not brushing one's teeth in the morning is nasty, it's true.

But not half as nasty as the entirety of you.

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