Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Bible Guy

I have quite a few bad date stories. But the one that takes the cake was the first guy I dated after my divorce 3 years ago. I decided to be proactive and try the online dating format. I corresponded with this guy for about a week and he asked me out. I had not seen a photo (bad move on my part) but agreed to dinner. When I called him to confirm our date I got this really odd voice mail message that made reference to some obscure bible passage. Now, please understand that I'm not what you would call religious. My profile clearly referenced my musical tastes and what you would call "new age" interests While I thought the voicemail thing a bit odd, I tried to maintain a positive attitude so we set up a time for us to go out.
The next night he picked me up at a friend's house and showed up in a mini-van. Immediately, my reaction was "omg, this is not good". I walked out to meet him at his vehicle and the inside looked like he lived in food remnants, sporting goods, etc.I knew this was no love connection but I tried to be a good sport and at least make it through dinner. We went to a local restaurant where he started to spout off his very fundamentalist religious rhetoric. He told me that "the government" has already developed "mobile execution stations", I think he meant that these are like the emissons testing vehicles but more sinister. Basically he said that the end of the world is coming and people who refuse to have a bar code/mark of the beast would be executed. He leaned into me and serious as a heart attack says "so, what are you going to do on judgement day? Are you going to take the mark of the beast?" Needless to say "mark of the beast" is looking more appealing by the moment. At this point, I'm thinking that this date can't get worse...but low and behold it got much worse. There was a large group of people adjacent to us at this restaurant and were obviously celebrating a child's birthday. There were helium balloons all over their table. My date summons the waitress with whom he had been relentlessly flirting with and says "can I ask you a favor"? Immediately I put two and two together and started praying "god please don't let him do what I think he is about to do"! You guessed it...he procured a balloon and managed to suck helium and do his best Alvin and the Chipmunks impression. I started inhaling my dinner in the hopes of getting out of there ASAP. He managed to get the attention of the entire restaurant and then asked me out again for the next night. I told him my to take me home and politely declined further dates.
After this fiasco I realized that dating takes a lot or work and a lot of humor. I started giving my dates silly little nicknames. This guy was affectionately called "Jesus Boy" by me and my friends. This was one of many frogs I had to kiss. Some of the others were "college professor guy whose kitchen looked like a nuclear waste dump", "Yoga instructor that looked like Yoda" and "transvestite dude" (you figure that one out)! and countless other potential suitors. I'm happy to say that I finally did manage to find a great guy and we both like to laugh about my very laughable dating exploits!

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