The Hygenist (...like pulling teeth)

Here's my bad date story...not as bad as many on your site, but still
funny.

So I am just a few years out of grad school and working up on Capitol
Hill in Washington, DC just basically enjoying the dating sceen.  Well,
being a relatively normal guy I go to the dentist every 6 months like you're
supposed to.  Now I have been going to this dentist since the dentist's
dad owned and operated the practice, and he and my parents were good
friends.So now dentist's son runs the practice and we are good friends (which
always made going to the dentist weird since, who doesn't hate going, even
when the dentist is your bud).
All of my dentist bud's hygenists are relatively young and basically
all knockouts (really...I swear, not an older or unattractive one in the
bunch).Since dentist and I are friends, they all sort of know me as well
and we all would sort of platonically flirt when I came to the office
(either for an appointment or just to grab my friend to get a beer).  But on
this dental appointment, there is a new hygenist whom I do not know...and
she is smokin'!  Now I've got a thing for red-heads, and dentist and all his
hygenists know this so they are chatting me up while I'm having my
teeth cleaned (like I can chat back in that scenario!?) about new red-headed
hygenist who they notice me checking out.  So I make it a point to
start stopping by dentists' office on a very regular basis for a few weeks,
and after not too long ask her out.  Her, prodded on by my hygenist
helpers, is eventually expecting this and agrees to a date.
Now, I want to make a good first impression.  So I make sure my prize
possession (my Corvette...yes, I have plastic crates holding up an
ancient TV, but spent every dime to drive a Corvette..typical young stupid guy,
I know) is washed, waxed and cleaned to go pick her up.  I find it a
little off-putting that she lives with mom and dad, but she's young twenties
and DC is an expensive town so no big deal.  Except when I get there dad,
apparently a Coast Guard officer, proceeds to spend 10-15 minutes
literally grilling me like I am taking his 16 year old daughter out as opposed to
his fully grown adult 24 year old daughter...was I supposed to salute when
I left?  So, not off to a great start, but this can easily be overcome.
I have made reservations at a great tapas restaurant near Chinatown
(Jaleo...anyone from DC, go there, its awesome).  I quickly find out
during the drive that this girl is either really reserved or really nervous,
because getting more than two words out of her is like pulling teeth
(no pun intended).  Now I know a couple of people who work for the company that
owns Jaleo, so I have made sure with them that we will get a great window
table. This back then was a hard restaurant to get into on short notice, but
my date is unimpressed and keeps mentioning that she doesn't know what
tapas is and doesn't think she'll like it.  Try something new for god's sake, it
won't hurt you.  Would you rather I take you to McDonalds...or freakin'
Olive Garden. Well, dinner is awesome, and I think the evening is
going better, hey my date even had two very large sangrias so I'm thinking
she has got to loosen up some.  Waiter comes to bring the check..and I don't
know what my friends who work for the company told the people at the
restaurant, but the meal's on them.  Now this would normally be awesome...a $100
meal for free!  Except I generally carry very little cash (I love my debit
card its just like cash, right), but no check means no bill to run on the
card.I need to leave this waiter an awesome tip since (1) it would look bad
to my date not to, and (2) he was a kick ass waiter.  So I empty my wallet of
the roughly $25-30 I had for tip.
Next we go to a comedy club for some laughs.  Liquor has still not
loosened my date up and the faces on Mt. Rushmore talk more than her.  Park the
car in a garage (BTW...she did manage to find a couple of words about how
she doesn't like low to the ground sports cars), and head in.  Comedy club
is great, 3 stand-ups including D.L. Hughley, except...she's not laughing
much, and she thinks its too loud.  At this point I'm starting to
wonder..does she have a personality to go along with those looks, does she do something
other than complain.  Exit comedy club and head to garage attendant, flip out
my card to pay for parking.  Garage only takes cash.  I'm out, but no
problem, quickly scan street for ATM machine...none to be found.  Nice night so
I suggest a short walk to a pub assuming I will find an ATM along the
way.  Date rolls eyes and pulls out a $20 to pay for parking...ouch.
Okay, I'm a reasonably romantic guy...I can still salvage this.  I know
from my hygenist helpers back in my friend's office that this girl has
recently moved here from...I'm not kidding, Alaska. I am a native Washingtonian
so I have stashed a small cooler with a bottle of wine and 2 glasses in the
back of the car, and tell her I thought we could stroll the Washington mall
(where the nation's most infamous monuments are) and sit on the grass
and enjoy a glass of wine, and I could be her personal moonlit tour guide. 
She just looks at me....sort of bug eyed, and says..."why"?  Do they not
date in Alaska! Do they not have personalities in Alaska!  Why, because I am
trying to show you a nice evening on the town in a new city!
Okay, no more trying, she has no personality and no manners and is
obviously not into me.  Drive home, stop at ATM to pay back cash, she jumps out
of my car...I try to walk her to door to be polite, but she is apparently
worried about Captain Daddy, so bolts to door.  Now I admit, not having a lot
of cash...not a good move, but I have never tried so hard to have a
pleasant evening to instead have such a long....painful....dull...experience
with such a beautiful woman who's only speech was to complain.  Avoided
friends office for a few months and by the time next dental appointment came
around she no longer worked there.  Other hygenists confirm my belief that she
was apparently socially inept...and complained...a lot.

The Fantastic Four...Not !

This isn't actually a bad date, but a series of bad-dates-that-never-happened...and it goes to show how hard it is out there these days!
After taking a year off from the dating scene to re-prioritize my life, I began the New Year ready to "get back out there." The night before New Year's Eve, I stopped in the local haunt (read: dive bar) to play a little pool. A very handsome older gentleman approached me with this: "What are YOU doing in a place like this? You look like you should be behind the wheel of a Mercedes." Wink, wink. After a long night of drinks and conversation, we exchanged numbers and planned on going out to dinner later in the week.
New Years' Eve: at a club, I met the most handsome guy, who was from Ireland, not far from where my ancestors are from. Same thing-drinks, convo, dinner plans are made. Cool. Two dates after the drought.
New Year's Day: partying up a storm in the middle of the street with about 500 people, I see this man looking at me. I almost fell over, he was so hot. Long story short, we spent the whole day together and I was instantaneously in love. My birthday was in a week and he was going to take me out for dinner. I'm thinking, yee-haw, my first couple days back in the game and I'm rackin' 'em up!
The next day, as this wild city continues the party, my eyes connect with this guy who is performing in a street fair. I manage to give him my email address and we begin emailing that night. Okay, so you're probably thinking, four guys in four days, what a tramp! Well, as my grandma always said, "keep your options open."
Sooooo...did everyone call me? Yep, they sure did!
Bachelor #1: Admitted he was in a long-term relationship. "Can we still go out?" No.
Bachelor #2: Had just gotten engaged. "But can we still go out?" Yeah...no.
Bachelor #3: Married. FOR 17 YEARS. "Can I still take you to dinner?" NO, MOTHERF#*@ER!
Bachelor #4: Living with his girlfriend for five years. "Can we..." Don't even try.
W H A T T H E F U C K ????!!!!
That was almost three months ago and needless to say, I have not gone out on a date since.

Surviving The Survivalist

A few years ago I went on a blind date.We met at a local restaurant for lunch.

We exchanged the obligatory information like what we do for a living, previous marriages, children, etc...

Unfortunately, we then began discussing politics. My date informed me that he had purchased a rural piece of land, bought several pigs and cows, lots of gold bullion, and had a completely stocked 'compound' that he could live from without worry for several years. This was, he said, because he felt that the end of the world was coming. OK...either than or the 'Russians aere coming'.Whatever.

I got up and left after he said, "You are just the kind of pretty girl I'm lookin' to have with me at the compound when the end of the world comes. I think you would be a lot better than those fat bitches I've been going out with."

See ya loser!

Stuck On You...(or more specifically, your car)

Many thanks to Sexybaby for sending us this gem
We have all had bad dates... but this takes the cake. It tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays. One night on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.Jay went into the audience asking about the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!She said it was midwinter... snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). and the couple, after all, had truly never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they headed home late that afternoon.While driving back down the mountain, the young lady gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. Since they were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.He stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow footing wasn't good, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and, being a real gentleman, refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!"He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly! cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... or perhaps that should be "pants down." ..And you thought your first date was embarrassing.Jay Leno's comment, "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."