Ok so this is my BAD DATE! I responded to a personal ad, to a guy,
we'll call M, He's late 30's I am late 20's. He has very fair skin and
is not attractive but seemed very nice.He sent a few pictures and stated
that he was some bigwig that works with pro-athletes. I am a very
attractive police officer s,to protect myself when we spoke over the phone, I
asked him for his last name..(to find out if I am going on a date with a
serial killer). He sounds like a gentlemen and says his last name , but I
didn't understand it and after him saying it twice I just thought I would not
be rude, and agreed to meet him on our date.
I tell my girlfriends what I am doing (just in case) and pack my
weapon..before the date on the phone this guy is going on and on about
all the fancy things he gets to do and all the property he owns in Troy
Michigan...I really could care less (as long as you were nice and
didn't sponge off of your mom) but anyways he says to meet him at the
Somerset Mall PF Changs.. I arrive first and find out there is a 2 hour wait.So I
call him and ask did you make reservations? (i mean you said you were
this big hot shot) NOPE no reservations.. I already have the feeling that this
is not going to be a good date..
I am about to leave when he walks in. I tell him I am not waiting 2
hours to sit down and eat.. He says "don't Go" well find another place..So while
we are walking around the mall,, He is very "grabby" grabbing my waist
pulling me close to him says how GOOD we look together..(well of COURSE you
look good with me) all I could think was EWWWWW yuck, he didn't look like
his pictures at all!! He was a fat white guy, and I really believe he
lacked anything in his body to give him some type of color! He was bright red,
like he just went tanning before he came to meet me. So I am walking around
with this bloated red guy who has a dangley doubble chin.. so we are
wallking around and he says "do you want to go shopping? I buy you a purse" I
stated that I have a purse and I do not want him to take me shopping!
I wanted to eat!( I figure at least I can get dinner out of this) We find
ourselves at the marshall fields cafe..(ohh 5star) He orders a roast
beef sandwhich and mashed potates, I think I got a salad or something..Over
dinner conversation I ask him again what his last name is and with a
mouthfull he answers and again I can not understand..
I am tired of this so I ask him WHAT IS YOUR LAST NAME? He gets all
huffy and says WHY? I don't like to give my last name out to anyone, I am a
VIP and I have to protect myself from "moochers" I realize that this guy
is a BIG FRAUD! Why else would he not give me something as simple as his
name?? Then he started on with how rich and sucessfull he is, with a MOUTH
FULL OF MASHED potatoes,, He looked like a baby who was eatting solid food for
the first time! While dodgeing the little bits of potatoes and watching his
turkey neck swing back and forth..I told him that I had to be going..He
insited that he walk me to my car..I stated NO THANK YOU! and to be
more of a butt hole he wouldn't drop it, saying oh I want to make sure your
safe ,blah blah, blah so I finally told him..I will be safe I have a gun
leave me ALONE!!!
He called a few times and I had one of my good friends (who's a guy)
say he
was my brother and to not call there anymore...Thank goodness!!! No
more potato man!
Friday, January 13, 2006
Drunk Yuppie
I had this one memorable (!) date back in '89 that I still talk about at parties.
We met through a personal ad, and exchanged many different calls before we set a date to actually date. I was leery.. but he sounded so cute, and educated (he'd been to Georgetown, you know) and worked for DuPont and seemed stable and safe. Boy was that a stretch. We met at a nice inner-city pub that we'd both talked about. Quiet, dim-lit, and cozy. I was self-concious about being out late..Parking in the city was a bitch at night on a Saturday. But he sounded so worth it.
I showed up on time, and sat at the bar as planned. He arrived 20 minutes late. Dressed nicely, except for the converse hi-tops that seems outta place. He was visibly well on his way to being drunk, and instantly a charmer with his first "Wow.. you're a little BIG, aren't you?" quip.
He WAS cute. Handsome, really in that "my father's a doctor" waspy kind of way. But as the evening lingered he became more and more arrogant. What happens to the men who talk sweet on the phone, and then show up as the irritable drunked buttheads they really are?
I listened to his rants about his new RX-7 which he got for graduation..and how he'd actually been FORCED to go to Georgetown, having been thrown out of some other school. Daddy was an ass..but all was cool now, 'cause he'd landed this job at DuPont and was rakin' the suckers over for a huge salary that he didn't deserve.
Charming.
By the end of the already on-my-nerves date, he'd become SO intoxicated that I was afraid to let him drive home. I guess I deserve my punishment, since I wanted to do the right thing..and I suggested I drive him home.
He didn't want to go home..he didn't want to go home drunk (again) ..so of course, Polly-Anna here said: "Fine. You can stay overnight with me.. but NO funny stuff." He gave me that look that said: Honey, you're too fat for me anyway. So I guessed I was safe.
He'd drive, he said.
"Oh, no the hell you won't, sugar" I said. "If you could drive home, you'd be driving yourSELF home at this point, so get in".
He didn't want to drive in a Buick, he said.. and besides - he wasn't leaving his RX-7 in the city.
Fine. I told him I'd drive HIS car to MY place, and that he could take it or leave it.
He was passed out cold in the passenger seat when I arrived home a half an hour later. I decided to let him sleep in his car, until he woke up.. which was noon the next day. He woke up, rang the bell and asked me if I let him sleep out there all night (duh!) and did I have a good time? I just gave him a look of disgust. He then asked if I knew how to get to the interstate from .. where was he?
I said: Down the street, left on Main at the light, and go *&^*# yourself.
I rolled my eyes, and slammed the door and just laughed at my luck.
We met through a personal ad, and exchanged many different calls before we set a date to actually date. I was leery.. but he sounded so cute, and educated (he'd been to Georgetown, you know) and worked for DuPont and seemed stable and safe. Boy was that a stretch. We met at a nice inner-city pub that we'd both talked about. Quiet, dim-lit, and cozy. I was self-concious about being out late..Parking in the city was a bitch at night on a Saturday. But he sounded so worth it.
I showed up on time, and sat at the bar as planned. He arrived 20 minutes late. Dressed nicely, except for the converse hi-tops that seems outta place. He was visibly well on his way to being drunk, and instantly a charmer with his first "Wow.. you're a little BIG, aren't you?" quip.
He WAS cute. Handsome, really in that "my father's a doctor" waspy kind of way. But as the evening lingered he became more and more arrogant. What happens to the men who talk sweet on the phone, and then show up as the irritable drunked buttheads they really are?
I listened to his rants about his new RX-7 which he got for graduation..and how he'd actually been FORCED to go to Georgetown, having been thrown out of some other school. Daddy was an ass..but all was cool now, 'cause he'd landed this job at DuPont and was rakin' the suckers over for a huge salary that he didn't deserve.
Charming.
By the end of the already on-my-nerves date, he'd become SO intoxicated that I was afraid to let him drive home. I guess I deserve my punishment, since I wanted to do the right thing..and I suggested I drive him home.
He didn't want to go home..he didn't want to go home drunk (again) ..so of course, Polly-Anna here said: "Fine. You can stay overnight with me.. but NO funny stuff." He gave me that look that said: Honey, you're too fat for me anyway. So I guessed I was safe.
He'd drive, he said.
"Oh, no the hell you won't, sugar" I said. "If you could drive home, you'd be driving yourSELF home at this point, so get in".
He didn't want to drive in a Buick, he said.. and besides - he wasn't leaving his RX-7 in the city.
Fine. I told him I'd drive HIS car to MY place, and that he could take it or leave it.
He was passed out cold in the passenger seat when I arrived home a half an hour later. I decided to let him sleep in his car, until he woke up.. which was noon the next day. He woke up, rang the bell and asked me if I let him sleep out there all night (duh!) and did I have a good time? I just gave him a look of disgust. He then asked if I knew how to get to the interstate from .. where was he?
I said: Down the street, left on Main at the light, and go *&^*# yourself.
I rolled my eyes, and slammed the door and just laughed at my luck.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
He Wore His Heart On His Sleeve ( and Her Lunch On His Shoes)
I had a date with a woman I met through an online personals site. She
was everything she seemed to be in her ad. Pretty and smart. We seemed to be hitting it off really well.
Over dinner we made plans to stop at a nearby sports bar and have a
couple of drinks.Unknown to me at the time, the bartender at the sports bar was an old friend of hers and free-poured the daylights out of her drinks. I'm drinking beer, so no problems. I thought everything was going great, that is until my date abruptly stood up and puked on my shoes.
I drove her home, gave her roommate a lift to pick up her car and
called it a night. We did go out again a couple of times after that, but she never could fully overcome her embarassment about our first date.
was everything she seemed to be in her ad. Pretty and smart. We seemed to be hitting it off really well.
Over dinner we made plans to stop at a nearby sports bar and have a
couple of drinks.Unknown to me at the time, the bartender at the sports bar was an old friend of hers and free-poured the daylights out of her drinks. I'm drinking beer, so no problems. I thought everything was going great, that is until my date abruptly stood up and puked on my shoes.
I drove her home, gave her roommate a lift to pick up her car and
called it a night. We did go out again a couple of times after that, but she never could fully overcome her embarassment about our first date.
The Dollar Date Dickhead
I titled this "Dollar Date" because, if I'm doing my math right, this guy got to go to an NFL game, put his car in paid parking, guzzle a load of over priced beer, enjoy the company of and actually TOUCH the lovely M.K. (who send us the story) for a total investment of $7. However since $6 was given back to him in the form of gas, that leaves this date costing just 4 shiny quarters!! Am I right? Oh and the "Dickhead" part of the title?...well read on...
Bullwinkle
Friday August 19, 2005
Fedex Field
Skins v Bengals
So this guy I met online--but not yet in person--asks
me out. He says he wants to go up to Fedex to see his
Bengals play in pre-season. And because the most
effective way to get me to say yes is to ask me to
attend a sporting event, I of course say yes. I'll
just say now, I will never make that mistake again.
Previous to his telling me he wanted to get scalped
tickets a friend of mine offered me his seats for $30
less than face value. So now that I have someone I can
use them with, I tell my friend I definitely want
them.
My date gets directions to my office and shows up in
his Vette--whoop-de-doo. He warns me that he had left
the top off his car the previous night and it had
rained...fun, let me tell you, I love peeling damp
jeans from my ass and legs. So we start heading up to
meet my friend--and the guy who made me laugh and who
was so clever online is now much less than funny, and
far less than clever--nerves maybe?? But he begins to
show his true colors.
We meet my buddy, and my date searches though his
pockets and wallet,and realizes he doesn't have enough
money and his ATM card isn't going to work--something
about a BIG check he just deposited being on hold for
a few days--so he can't draw any funds off of it.
So, no problem, I pay for the tickets ($100), stick
the envelope under the left strap of my bra for safe
keeping, and we head up to the game. We park at
Landover Metro and take the shuttle in. The whole time
he is complaining that he is on a public bus, and how
he felt dirty. (BTW I should mention that I am
car-less. And, yes he does know that I commute by bus
EVERYDAY) At the gate he pulls out $7 and asks me for
$3 more so HE can pay for the shuttle rides. I realize
now that this is all the cash he has on him. I get the
shuttle tickets from the attendant--slide them into
the envelope next to the game tickets and stow them
away as before.
We enter the stadium, I hit the ATM again, we find our
seats and I buy us a couple beers ($14). He is the
typical football fan and a bit obnoxious and is
cussing --which would be ok with me if we weren't
sitting 2 rows back from a family with a small child
in tow. So I ask him to tone it down as far as the
cussing went--for which I get chastised because he
thinks that if the Skins Fans who are seated all
around us had heard me, a woman, telling him how to
behave and he complied they would think less of him as
a man. Hmmm.
So, each quarter (not wanting to break my bank) I buy
us 1 beer each ($28). I am trying to make the best of
a bad situation--I chat with the other fans, and joke,
when he gets too obnoxious, about how "I am really not
with him" and "can someone give me a ride home to
Virginia?"
Meanwhile, there is ANOTHER self-important S.O.B
talking away too loudly about how much effing money he
makes and how effing much he effing knows about effing
sports and effing this and effing that. And I can see
everyone look his way and roll their eyes but not say
anything--my issue, again, is the small child in front
of us. So finally when he finishes his little sports
rant I turn to him and tell him to "watch [his] mouth,
have some respect for the families with small
children." And of course as I turn around
Self-Important S.O.B. is calling me an effing c*** to
which my date responds with some sort of antiquated
defense of my honor. (Now normally I appreciate a guy
who has my back--but this show of force is just
annoying at this point as he has already proven he is
not a gentleman.) But still it was effective--after
another 10 minutes Self-Important S.O.B. states loudly
if he doesn't pee he is "going to explode" gets up ad
walks up the steps. And he indeed must have
exploded--because we didn't see him after that.
But now my date is "riled up." And just 5 minutes
before the end of the 4th quarter he heads up to use
the facilities forgetting his ticket stub. So when he
attempts his return the usher stops him and won't let
him back to the seat alone, so the usher escorts him
down. The whole way down the steps my date is mouthing
off to the usher--who I should point out IS JUST DOING
HIS JOB!!!! When I show him the stub my date
beligerantly and loudly says "HA, see there you
minimum-wage-working-mutha-f***er, that was bull s***"
And of course the usher again doing his job politely
tells my date to sit down and shut up or he'll be
removed. To which my date responds in surprise "with 2
minutes left in the effing game???" and adds "I can
buy and sell you a million times over you
minimum-wage-mutha-f***er"
Well all I could think was Really?? Because you
can't buy a damned beer in this place! And I stood
up this time addressing the crowd in all seriousness
"I am not with him, can someone please give me a ride
back to Virginia??" Needless to say we were thrown
out--well HE was--but my bag was still in his car--so
I had to go too--and at the top of the steps--I run
into my old boss who sees me with this loser. UGH
We don't say much on the trip back to the car--I am
fuming--and so is he but for COMPLETELY different
reasons. We drive home--and he asks me if I have
anymore cash because he needs to put gas in his car.
WTF?!?!?!?
So I put $6 worth of gas in his car--just so I can get
myself home and cut my losses.
When we get to my house I mention that I have to pull
the trash cans in--he gets out and does it for me, he
walks me to my door--but he has the nerve to walk
across my threshold when I open the door. So I think
fine--I will sit here and chat for a minute. While we
are sitting on the couch he starts getting
handsy---and I am NOT subtle in removing his hands
from my body.
Sometime during our very superficial conversation I
get something in my eye--and I have to excuse myself
to flush it out--so I head upstairs. Does he wait
downstairs?? Nooooooooo, he follows me up and plops
down on my bed.
UNBELIEVABLE!
So when I am finished in the bathroom, my eye
completely red and puffy and teary, I tell him I am
not comfortable with him in my room, and in fact I am
not comfortable with him in my home. He gets this
dejected looking, puppy dog face on and starts down
the steps. I walk him to the door, and he says "Well,
I guess I won't be hearing from you again." To which,
I say nothing, but close the door, lock and chain it
and think "You guessed right"
So let's recap.
Tickets $ 100
Beer $ 42
Gas $ 6
shuttle $ 3
This complete waste of my time Priceless
And in case you hadn't heard the Skins lost to the
Bengals 17 to 24.
YOU MIGHT ASK:
Why in the hell would you keep yourself in such a
shitty situation and then continue to let some douche
take you home (get a cab), and then come into your
home and talk to him? Plus, why the hell would you
give him money?
MY REPLY WOULD BE THIS:
So, I should get a cab from Fedex Field to Vienna, VA?
Do you know how much that would have cost?? I already
dumped 150 bucks... Sure why not just put another
50-60 bucks on top of that??? Screw that! He can drive
my cute and patient ass home.
While I agree I could have gotten out of the
situation--I was there to see the game as much as I
was there to see the guy and by the way the seats were
phenomenal. So, while I can hold my own when I need
to, I am just as non-confrontational as the next
person.
Bullwinkle
Friday August 19, 2005
Fedex Field
Skins v Bengals
So this guy I met online--but not yet in person--asks
me out. He says he wants to go up to Fedex to see his
Bengals play in pre-season. And because the most
effective way to get me to say yes is to ask me to
attend a sporting event, I of course say yes. I'll
just say now, I will never make that mistake again.
Previous to his telling me he wanted to get scalped
tickets a friend of mine offered me his seats for $30
less than face value. So now that I have someone I can
use them with, I tell my friend I definitely want
them.
My date gets directions to my office and shows up in
his Vette--whoop-de-doo. He warns me that he had left
the top off his car the previous night and it had
rained...fun, let me tell you, I love peeling damp
jeans from my ass and legs. So we start heading up to
meet my friend--and the guy who made me laugh and who
was so clever online is now much less than funny, and
far less than clever--nerves maybe?? But he begins to
show his true colors.
We meet my buddy, and my date searches though his
pockets and wallet,and realizes he doesn't have enough
money and his ATM card isn't going to work--something
about a BIG check he just deposited being on hold for
a few days--so he can't draw any funds off of it.
So, no problem, I pay for the tickets ($100), stick
the envelope under the left strap of my bra for safe
keeping, and we head up to the game. We park at
Landover Metro and take the shuttle in. The whole time
he is complaining that he is on a public bus, and how
he felt dirty. (BTW I should mention that I am
car-less. And, yes he does know that I commute by bus
EVERYDAY) At the gate he pulls out $7 and asks me for
$3 more so HE can pay for the shuttle rides. I realize
now that this is all the cash he has on him. I get the
shuttle tickets from the attendant--slide them into
the envelope next to the game tickets and stow them
away as before.
We enter the stadium, I hit the ATM again, we find our
seats and I buy us a couple beers ($14). He is the
typical football fan and a bit obnoxious and is
cussing --which would be ok with me if we weren't
sitting 2 rows back from a family with a small child
in tow. So I ask him to tone it down as far as the
cussing went--for which I get chastised because he
thinks that if the Skins Fans who are seated all
around us had heard me, a woman, telling him how to
behave and he complied they would think less of him as
a man. Hmmm.
So, each quarter (not wanting to break my bank) I buy
us 1 beer each ($28). I am trying to make the best of
a bad situation--I chat with the other fans, and joke,
when he gets too obnoxious, about how "I am really not
with him" and "can someone give me a ride home to
Virginia?"
Meanwhile, there is ANOTHER self-important S.O.B
talking away too loudly about how much effing money he
makes and how effing much he effing knows about effing
sports and effing this and effing that. And I can see
everyone look his way and roll their eyes but not say
anything--my issue, again, is the small child in front
of us. So finally when he finishes his little sports
rant I turn to him and tell him to "watch [his] mouth,
have some respect for the families with small
children." And of course as I turn around
Self-Important S.O.B. is calling me an effing c*** to
which my date responds with some sort of antiquated
defense of my honor. (Now normally I appreciate a guy
who has my back--but this show of force is just
annoying at this point as he has already proven he is
not a gentleman.) But still it was effective--after
another 10 minutes Self-Important S.O.B. states loudly
if he doesn't pee he is "going to explode" gets up ad
walks up the steps. And he indeed must have
exploded--because we didn't see him after that.
But now my date is "riled up." And just 5 minutes
before the end of the 4th quarter he heads up to use
the facilities forgetting his ticket stub. So when he
attempts his return the usher stops him and won't let
him back to the seat alone, so the usher escorts him
down. The whole way down the steps my date is mouthing
off to the usher--who I should point out IS JUST DOING
HIS JOB!!!! When I show him the stub my date
beligerantly and loudly says "HA, see there you
minimum-wage-working-mutha-f***er, that was bull s***"
And of course the usher again doing his job politely
tells my date to sit down and shut up or he'll be
removed. To which my date responds in surprise "with 2
minutes left in the effing game???" and adds "I can
buy and sell you a million times over you
minimum-wage-mutha-f***er"
Well all I could think was Really?? Because you
can't buy a damned beer in this place! And I stood
up this time addressing the crowd in all seriousness
"I am not with him, can someone please give me a ride
back to Virginia??" Needless to say we were thrown
out--well HE was--but my bag was still in his car--so
I had to go too--and at the top of the steps--I run
into my old boss who sees me with this loser. UGH
We don't say much on the trip back to the car--I am
fuming--and so is he but for COMPLETELY different
reasons. We drive home--and he asks me if I have
anymore cash because he needs to put gas in his car.
WTF?!?!?!?
So I put $6 worth of gas in his car--just so I can get
myself home and cut my losses.
When we get to my house I mention that I have to pull
the trash cans in--he gets out and does it for me, he
walks me to my door--but he has the nerve to walk
across my threshold when I open the door. So I think
fine--I will sit here and chat for a minute. While we
are sitting on the couch he starts getting
handsy---and I am NOT subtle in removing his hands
from my body.
Sometime during our very superficial conversation I
get something in my eye--and I have to excuse myself
to flush it out--so I head upstairs. Does he wait
downstairs?? Nooooooooo, he follows me up and plops
down on my bed.
UNBELIEVABLE!
So when I am finished in the bathroom, my eye
completely red and puffy and teary, I tell him I am
not comfortable with him in my room, and in fact I am
not comfortable with him in my home. He gets this
dejected looking, puppy dog face on and starts down
the steps. I walk him to the door, and he says "Well,
I guess I won't be hearing from you again." To which,
I say nothing, but close the door, lock and chain it
and think "You guessed right"
So let's recap.
Tickets $ 100
Beer $ 42
Gas $ 6
shuttle $ 3
This complete waste of my time Priceless
And in case you hadn't heard the Skins lost to the
Bengals 17 to 24.
YOU MIGHT ASK:
Why in the hell would you keep yourself in such a
shitty situation and then continue to let some douche
take you home (get a cab), and then come into your
home and talk to him? Plus, why the hell would you
give him money?
MY REPLY WOULD BE THIS:
So, I should get a cab from Fedex Field to Vienna, VA?
Do you know how much that would have cost?? I already
dumped 150 bucks... Sure why not just put another
50-60 bucks on top of that??? Screw that! He can drive
my cute and patient ass home.
While I agree I could have gotten out of the
situation--I was there to see the game as much as I
was there to see the guy and by the way the seats were
phenomenal. So, while I can hold my own when I need
to, I am just as non-confrontational as the next
person.
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