Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Dollar Date Dickhead

I titled this "Dollar Date" because, if I'm doing my math right, this guy got to go to an NFL game, put his car in paid parking, guzzle a load of over priced beer, enjoy the company of and actually TOUCH the lovely M.K. (who send us the story) for a total investment of $7. However since $6 was given back to him in the form of gas, that leaves this date costing just 4 shiny quarters!! Am I right? Oh and the "Dickhead" part of the title?...well read on...

Friday August 19, 2005
Fedex Field
Skins v Bengals

So this guy I met online--but not yet in person--asks
me out. He says he wants to go up to Fedex to see his
Bengals play in pre-season. And because the most
effective way to get me to say yes is to ask me to
attend a sporting event, I of course say yes. I'll
just say now, I will never make that mistake again.

Previous to his telling me he wanted to get scalped
tickets a friend of mine offered me his seats for $30
less than face value. So now that I have someone I can
use them with, I tell my friend I definitely want

My date gets directions to my office and shows up in
his Vette--whoop-de-doo. He warns me that he had left
the top off his car the previous night and it had, let me tell you, I love peeling damp
jeans from my ass and legs. So we start heading up to
meet my friend--and the guy who made me laugh and who
was so clever online is now much less than funny, and
far less than clever--nerves maybe?? But he begins to
show his true colors.

We meet my buddy, and my date searches though his
pockets and wallet,and realizes he doesn't have enough
money and his ATM card isn't going to work--something
about a BIG check he just deposited being on hold for
a few days--so he can't draw any funds off of it.

So, no problem, I pay for the tickets ($100), stick
the envelope under the left strap of my bra for safe
keeping, and we head up to the game. We park at
Landover Metro and take the shuttle in. The whole time
he is complaining that he is on a public bus, and how
he felt dirty. (BTW I should mention that I am
car-less. And, yes he does know that I commute by bus
EVERYDAY) At the gate he pulls out $7 and asks me for
$3 more so HE can pay for the shuttle rides. I realize
now that this is all the cash he has on him. I get the
shuttle tickets from the attendant--slide them into
the envelope next to the game tickets and stow them
away as before.

We enter the stadium, I hit the ATM again, we find our
seats and I buy us a couple beers ($14). He is the
typical football fan and a bit obnoxious and is
cussing --which would be ok with me if we weren't
sitting 2 rows back from a family with a small child
in tow. So I ask him to tone it down as far as the
cussing went--for which I get chastised because he
thinks that if the Skins Fans who are seated all
around us had heard me, a woman, telling him how to
behave and he complied they would think less of him as
a man. Hmmm.

So, each quarter (not wanting to break my bank) I buy
us 1 beer each ($28). I am trying to make the best of
a bad situation--I chat with the other fans, and joke,
when he gets too obnoxious, about how "I am really not
with him" and "can someone give me a ride home to

Meanwhile, there is ANOTHER self-important S.O.B
talking away too loudly about how much effing money he
makes and how effing much he effing knows about effing
sports and effing this and effing that. And I can see
everyone look his way and roll their eyes but not say
anything--my issue, again, is the small child in front
of us. So finally when he finishes his little sports
rant I turn to him and tell him to "watch [his] mouth,
have some respect for the families with small
children." And of course as I turn around
Self-Important S.O.B. is calling me an effing c*** to
which my date responds with some sort of antiquated
defense of my honor. (Now normally I appreciate a guy
who has my back--but this show of force is just
annoying at this point as he has already proven he is
not a gentleman.) But still it was effective--after
another 10 minutes Self-Important S.O.B. states loudly
if he doesn't pee he is "going to explode" gets up ad
walks up the steps. And he indeed must have
exploded--because we didn't see him after that.

But now my date is "riled up." And just 5 minutes
before the end of the 4th quarter he heads up to use
the facilities forgetting his ticket stub. So when he
attempts his return the usher stops him and won't let
him back to the seat alone, so the usher escorts him
down. The whole way down the steps my date is mouthing
off to the usher--who I should point out IS JUST DOING
HIS JOB!!!! When I show him the stub my date
beligerantly and loudly says "HA, see there you
minimum-wage-working-mutha-f***er, that was bull s***"
And of course the usher again doing his job politely
tells my date to sit down and shut up or he'll be
removed. To which my date responds in surprise "with 2
minutes left in the effing game???" and adds "I can
buy and sell you a million times over you

Well all I could think was Really?? Because you
can't buy a damned beer in this place!
And I stood
up this time addressing the crowd in all seriousness
"I am not with him, can someone please give me a ride
back to Virginia??" Needless to say we were thrown
out--well HE was--but my bag was still in his car--so
I had to go too--and at the top of the steps--I run
into my old boss who sees me with this loser. UGH

We don't say much on the trip back to the car--I am
fuming--and so is he but for COMPLETELY different
reasons. We drive home--and he asks me if I have
anymore cash because he needs to put gas in his car.


So I put $6 worth of gas in his car--just so I can get
myself home and cut my losses.

When we get to my house I mention that I have to pull
the trash cans in--he gets out and does it for me, he
walks me to my door--but he has the nerve to walk
across my threshold when I open the door. So I think
fine--I will sit here and chat for a minute. While we
are sitting on the couch he starts getting
handsy---and I am NOT subtle in removing his hands
from my body.

Sometime during our very superficial conversation I
get something in my eye--and I have to excuse myself
to flush it out--so I head upstairs. Does he wait
downstairs?? Nooooooooo, he follows me up and plops
down on my bed.


So when I am finished in the bathroom, my eye
completely red and puffy and teary, I tell him I am
not comfortable with him in my room, and in fact I am
not comfortable with him in my home. He gets this
dejected looking, puppy dog face on and starts down
the steps. I walk him to the door, and he says "Well,
I guess I won't be hearing from you again." To which,
I say nothing, but close the door, lock and chain it
and think "You guessed right"

So let's recap.
Tickets $ 100
Beer $ 42
Gas $ 6
shuttle $ 3
This complete waste of my time Priceless

And in case you hadn't heard the Skins lost to the
Bengals 17 to 24.

Why in the hell would you keep yourself in such a
shitty situation and then continue to let some douche
take you home (get a cab), and then come into your
home and talk to him? Plus, why the hell would you
give him money?


So, I should get a cab from Fedex Field to Vienna, VA?
Do you know how much that would have cost?? I already
dumped 150 bucks... Sure why not just put another
50-60 bucks on top of that??? Screw that! He can drive
my cute and patient ass home.

While I agree I could have gotten out of the
situation--I was there to see the game as much as I
was there to see the guy and by the way the seats were
phenomenal. So, while I can hold my own when I need
to, I am just as non-confrontational as the next

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