Never Again Craig!

This is why I'll never do a craigslist date again.  I
think everyone tries it once, and then learns his
lesson.
  I responded to a personal ad off craigslist and the
girl sent me a blurry picture of her.  She looked ok
in the picture.  So we agreed to meet at a restaurant
for dinner before seeing a movie.  I was on the bus
nearing the restaurant to meet her and she calls me on
my cell phone.  I looked out the window of the bus and
saw this girl talking on her phone and her talking was
matching the words coming out of my cell phone.  I was
stunned.  This girl looked like the back of my sack.
How she managed to talk the camera into taking a
semi-decent picture of her is beyond me.  My thought,
"abort!"  I could easily have stayed on the bus, left
this girl on that street corner, and gone straight
home.  But my conscience got the better of me and told
me not to just stand this girl up.  Besides, maybe she
was a cool girl and maybe we could be "just friends."
  The restaurant (her choice) was really shitty.  Worse,
she was boring and not very bright.  I sat through the
rest of the date just hoping this girl wouldn't want a
kiss goodnight, nor would she want to call me again.
Fortunately neither happened.

Never again, craigslist, never again!

The Lost Story

Editors Note: This story was sent to me recently. I liked it, made a note to publish it and then promptly lost it! I don't have a clue how I lost it either, so , with my apologies to the original writer I've retold it in my own words... here it is:
This story concerns a young, teenage lad, still (reluctantly) a virgin and determined to change his status. Now our hero, (let's call him Leo) through courage and perserverence, managed to land a date with one of the most popular girls in school. Popular because she was cute, popular because she was smart, but mostly popular because she "put out" every time. As the appointed day drew nearer, Leo could barely contain his excitement. He borrowed a friends car, one with a huge backseat. Made an embarrassing, but neccessary trip to the drug store ( even practiced putting "them" on). What could go wrong?
Finally the big night arrived. He pulled into her driveway (no, this isn't a metaphor...her actual driveway) and smiled as he saw her wave and start walking toward the car. Oooo, The sweater she was wearing was tight! Ahhh, the lipstick she was wearing was shiny and red! Then she got in the car and the cologne she was wearing was: ARGHHH...THE EXACT SAME SCENT HIS MOTHER HAD WORN FOR HIS ENTIRE LIFE! Now we all know that any thought of a mother is like Kryptonite to a guys sex life and that night, all night ,Leos Moms presence, seemed to, well, hang in the air. So Leo, poor sad Leo couldn't even bring himself to kiss his date! In years to come, that night would always be remembered by the girl as when the one "nice guy" in high school asked her out and she would always wonder why he never asked again...or if he turned out gay!

The Jerk

So, I met this guy at a club and he was extremely respectful and nice. We made a date for a movie and dinner. I drove to meet him, and he then told me that it was unacceptable that I didn't have on jewelry. He refused to have any input in choosing the movie, saying that if it was bad, I wouldn't be able to blame him for taking me on a bad date. (After what happened later in the evening, a bad movie would be the least thing I would hold against him.) After the movie we went for dinner- at Taco Bell. We took our tacos back to his house and ate on the floor of the living room- on newspaper so that we wouldn't spill on the carpet. His brother showed up and when we were introduced he said to my date, "Oh, yeah, she is cute," as if I wasn't in the room. Then he said to me, "You look like you have a cute little body. Stand up and let me look at you." Did he really think I was going to stand up and turn around so he could get a better look at my body? Later he held my hand like he was going to say something really romantic, but instead told me that I better have my nails done the next time I came over. Then, after telling me how much he liked my butt, he asked me what size pants I wore. I was in such shock that I actually answered, 6 or 8 (truthfully), to which he responded, Tell the truth, it's really a 10 or 12. Needless to say that I never expected to speak to him again. When he called four times in a row a few days later, I finally answered the phone. He then started to yell at me about how I was unappreciative and that a girl had never disrespected him by not calling him after a date. (What girls had he been dating?!) He then said that he was going back to his "player ways" and he wished that he had a picture of me to hang up in his bedroom so that when he brought girls home he could show them who ruined him for them. Psycho. He then continued to call me routinely for several weeks even though I never answered or returned calls. I had to leave his number in my phone for fear that he might call and I might actually answer on accident.

The Windbreaker

I was going out with this guy for the first time. It was a warm spring day in May and I had the a/c turned off and the windows open. I thought I heard someone on the front step so I peeked out the front window which was right by the front door. He couldn't see or hear me. At the very moment I glanced out he let out a huge cripsy fart. He was standing there, all scrubbed up, handsome, suave and nice and eager and it was the funniest thing. I waited a reasonable amount of time and opened the door with a smirk on my face. I couldn't help it and I also couldn't stop snickering throughout the entire evening, including the kiss goodnight. I know it was immature of me but it just struck me so funny and I couldn't shake the giggles. I'm sure he had no idea I had heard and I couldn't tell him. He must have thought I was a nut case and didn't call again. At the door I couldn't resist telling him "thanks for a wonderful time, it was a gas."