Herpe (The Love Bug)

I met a guy online and after a couple of weeks we decided to meet. We met at a local restaurant for drinks. WOW! This guy knocked my socks off! He was so handsome, a GREAT dresser, hilariously funny and engaging...! When I'm meeting someone I've met online, I like to keep it casual and short...no long, drawn out dinners...just in case there's no connection and you don't end up spending forever with someone you don't like. Well, let me tell you people, we had such a fantastic time that, not counting a few hours here and there to sleep, shower and change our clothes, our "date" lasted about THIRTY HOURS! We stayed for dinner, then went to a party where I met ALL of his friends. I went home and after only four hours' sleep, met him at his house and drove with him to New York where he had a business lunch. I strolled around town (get this, he offered me shopping money, which I declined) while he met with clients, then we spent the rest of the day there. We drove back home, I went home to change and then he picked me up and took me to the best restaurant in town, where he wined and dined me. WOW! I was SO taken with him I was actually telling people, half-jokingly, that I had met my future husband! And, to top it all off, this guy has a gorgeous house, a beach house, two SUVs, a boat, two jet skis...I could go on and on. AND he sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers the next day saying what a great time he had and he couldn't wait to see me again! I couldn't for the life of me think why he was still single. Okay, so we go out several more times, then he had to go out of town for a few days. Now I'm really lovesick, and can't go without seeing him, so I drive over to his house at about midnight to spend a few hours with him...he had to leave at about 5AM to catch his flight out to the west coast. We're having some wine when all of a sudden he pulls out this Ouija board-which, as a Catholic, made me a little uneasy, but what the hell, he's Catholic, too-and proceeds to "make contact" with a dead relative. Next thing I know, he's crying like a baby. I don't have a problem with guys who cry, but this was WAAAAYYY over the top crying and blubbering, just really weird. But whatever. So we end up going to sleep...no sex, just a little messing around, because I really am a "good girl" and I prefer to wait before taking the big step. So he gets up to get ready for his flight and tells me to stay as long as I want, just lock up behind myself. A few hours later, I'm getting ready to go home, and since I'd slept in my makeup, I was looking for some Q-Tips to clean up my eyeliner, and in the bathroom drawer I find...OH.MY.GOD...a current prescription...for...his...Herpes medicine. Well, that burst my bubble. I was heartbroken. That's just something I cannot deal with, and thank God I AM a good girl, because we came THISCLOSE to having sex the night before. I didn't want him to know that I discovered his secret before he had a chance to tell me himself...I just never returned his calls. :(

Yasser, Thats My Baby, No Sir, Not Just Maybe...

A while back I met this girl online who I thought seemed quite appealing...although she hadn't sent a picture, she described heself as Middle Eastern, a region that has produced, in my opinion, some of the most beautiful women in the world. Of course my imagination was working overtime. After every e-mail I would imagine myself reclining on silk cushions while this exotic, dark-eyed temptress danced around me, peeling off veils to reveal...well, lets just say I was more than ready to draw my scimitar and anxious to meet her in person.
Weeks went by and we were unable to get our schedules to match, however we did grow closer
through IMs and e-mail. I learned she wasn't very tall (I love short women), curvy ( ok, I know that means chubby but sometimes I like that) and a face that she said was "very Arabic". Hey, I saw "The Voyages of Sinbad" and "Alladin" I know Arabic means Hot, Hot, Hot! Yippee...Finally, the day arrived when we could meet, due to parking problems, I was a few minutes late and when I walked in the door I saw her for the first time. Long shiny, dark hair trailed down her back, not very tall, curvy not fat, I smiled and as I called her name she turned to reveal her face...very Arabic indeed. She had the features that I'd seen on a thousand nightly
newscast. For some awful reason, cruel, cruel fate had given this poor girl the face of YASSER ARAFAT! We talked, she was nice, I was nice but ...I'm sorry I know looks aren't supposed to matter but, well lets just say I had no desire to occupy that territory and we parted ways.

I WASN'T, REALLY...I WASN'T, NO, I REALLY WASN'T!!

Well, I don't know if this counts because I never actually made it on the date, but anyway here's my story:
My work took me to visit this girls office about three or four times a week. Over the course of a few months we had gotten to know each other, joked around a bit and I felt a mutal attraction so I thought I would call and ask her out. No big deal, I've been out with many, many women. Have no problem talking with friends and strangers alike...my self esteem, high, (at least up to that point) the worst that could happen is she'd say no right? Wrong! Read on...I picked up the phone, called her office, was connected to her extension and got voice mail. As soon as her sweet voice said "Leave a message after the beep" For the first time in my 28 years I felt an actual full blown PANIC ATTACK! My hands started shaking, throat closed up, but still I had to press on,after all this was voicemail! So, in gasping , panting whispers I managed to grunt out the words and ask her out along with leaving my number for the call back. Day one, no call. Day two, no call. Day three, I'm back at her office. She's not at her desk (although possibly hiding under it) and her formerly friendly coworkers are being very cool indeed. Months went by and I didn't see her except for once when our eyes met across a distant hall and she actually turned and RAN! I was confused, but not too concerned and just continued to do my job. So fast forward a few more months and I'm explaining to my buddy what happened, her strange behaviour, along with the call and the panic attack...he started laughing and then, with a little too much glee, solved the puzzle for me..."They thought you were WHACKING OFF!" he said!
My face went pale, then it all made sense. The next day I shuffled some accounts with
another rep and never went back there again. It is my final hope that either that girl or one of her coworkers will read this and pass on my final message to her: I WASN'T! REALLY...I WASN'T, NO, I REALLY WASN'T ,IT WAS A PANIC ATTACK...HONEST!!

Editors Note: I bet he was...:O)

Under The Table

i have several doozies....but I think this is one of the better
ones....I had met this girl years ago and I wanted to take her out and show
her a nice night on the town...we went out to a bar called Brandys (dating
myself a bit there by naming it eh?) and had a really good couple of hours
and a few drinks...because i wanted to impress her I didn't drink very much
and was pretty much sober...we left the bar and were walking along in
lovely down town Halifax when some friends of mine drove by in a limo...we
hopped in and ended up driving around the town drinking rum and coke with
them for about 2 hours....I should mention that one friend is a well known
lawyer, another owns a reputable business in town and the other is the manager
of a bank; all respected and respectable citizens who certainly don't want
to be involved in something embarrasing, especially in public (this will
make more sense in a minute). At one point my friend Doug says that he is
hungry and we should all go to Alfredo Weinstein and Ho together for a meal.
Since my date and I were planning on exactly that before we ran into them,
we decided to all go together. My buddies are all wealthy men and were so
impressed with my date that they insisted on paying for our dinner. In
fact, they instructed us to order whatever we wanted on the menu,
regardless of cost. The five of us managed to order about $500 worth
of food and alcohol. To top it all off, my friend Mike was a waiter there
and had got us a really good table right where we could see and be seen by
ALL in the restaurant, on this busy weekend night. As the first course
arrived I suddenly felt a little faint, which Mike noticed as he was passing
by, because I looked so pale. Discretely he walked me to the bathroom and
helped me splash some cold water on my face. He told me to wait in the
washroom for five minutes and he would return to escort me back to the
table but after a while I started to feel really silly. I could SEE
the table from the doorway of the bathroom and also I could tell that Mike
was really busy so I thought "to hell with this, I'm a big boy and I feel
fine so I'm just going to walk over and sit in my seat"....oh boy....I got
about half way there when the heat of the room brought the dizziness back
ten times worse and I knew i was going to faint if I couldn't sit down. It
was too far back to the bathroom so I went straight for the table as
carefully as I could. I made it all the way there and was just in the process of
sitting down...I thought to myself "I made it!!"....but I missed the
seat as I sat down. So of course instinctively I grab for the first thing
in front of me, which is the table, or more specifically the tablecloth.
As gravity took its natural course I pulled absolutely everything on the
table onto myself as I lay dazed upon the floor. The entire restaurant was
so quiet that you could hear a PIN drop. My friends were completely
mortified as was my date,( You have never in your life seen 100 dollar bills
come out and people leave a restaurant so fast in your life, I guarantee it).
As to my date...she never called me again and I was too chicken to call her
(hi its the guy that pulled $500 bucks worth of food and liquor on
himself..wanna go out again??)....in addition it was years before my
friends went to dinner with me again.