The Lost Story

Editors Note: This story was sent to me recently. I liked it, made a note to publish it and then promptly lost it! I don't have a clue how I lost it either, so , with my apologies to the original writer I've retold it in my own words... here it is:
This story concerns a young, teenage lad, still (reluctantly) a virgin and determined to change his status. Now our hero, (let's call him Leo) through courage and perserverence, managed to land a date with one of the most popular girls in school. Popular because she was cute, popular because she was smart, but mostly popular because she "put out" every time. As the appointed day drew nearer, Leo could barely contain his excitement. He borrowed a friends car, one with a huge backseat. Made an embarrassing, but neccessary trip to the drug store ( even practiced putting "them" on). What could go wrong?
Finally the big night arrived. He pulled into her driveway (no, this isn't a metaphor...her actual driveway) and smiled as he saw her wave and start walking toward the car. Oooo, The sweater she was wearing was tight! Ahhh, the lipstick she was wearing was shiny and red! Then she got in the car and the cologne she was wearing was: ARGHHH...THE EXACT SAME SCENT HIS MOTHER HAD WORN FOR HIS ENTIRE LIFE! Now we all know that any thought of a mother is like Kryptonite to a guys sex life and that night, all night ,Leos Moms presence, seemed to, well, hang in the air. So Leo, poor sad Leo couldn't even bring himself to kiss his date! In years to come, that night would always be remembered by the girl as when the one "nice guy" in high school asked her out and she would always wonder why he never asked again...or if he turned out gay!

The Jerk

So, I met this guy at a club and he was extremely respectful and nice. We made a date for a movie and dinner. I drove to meet him, and he then told me that it was unacceptable that I didn't have on jewelry. He refused to have any input in choosing the movie, saying that if it was bad, I wouldn't be able to blame him for taking me on a bad date. (After what happened later in the evening, a bad movie would be the least thing I would hold against him.) After the movie we went for dinner- at Taco Bell. We took our tacos back to his house and ate on the floor of the living room- on newspaper so that we wouldn't spill on the carpet. His brother showed up and when we were introduced he said to my date, "Oh, yeah, she is cute," as if I wasn't in the room. Then he said to me, "You look like you have a cute little body. Stand up and let me look at you." Did he really think I was going to stand up and turn around so he could get a better look at my body? Later he held my hand like he was going to say something really romantic, but instead told me that I better have my nails done the next time I came over. Then, after telling me how much he liked my butt, he asked me what size pants I wore. I was in such shock that I actually answered, 6 or 8 (truthfully), to which he responded, Tell the truth, it's really a 10 or 12. Needless to say that I never expected to speak to him again. When he called four times in a row a few days later, I finally answered the phone. He then started to yell at me about how I was unappreciative and that a girl had never disrespected him by not calling him after a date. (What girls had he been dating?!) He then said that he was going back to his "player ways" and he wished that he had a picture of me to hang up in his bedroom so that when he brought girls home he could show them who ruined him for them. Psycho. He then continued to call me routinely for several weeks even though I never answered or returned calls. I had to leave his number in my phone for fear that he might call and I might actually answer on accident.

The Windbreaker

I was going out with this guy for the first time. It was a warm spring day in May and I had the a/c turned off and the windows open. I thought I heard someone on the front step so I peeked out the front window which was right by the front door. He couldn't see or hear me. At the very moment I glanced out he let out a huge cripsy fart. He was standing there, all scrubbed up, handsome, suave and nice and eager and it was the funniest thing. I waited a reasonable amount of time and opened the door with a smirk on my face. I couldn't help it and I also couldn't stop snickering throughout the entire evening, including the kiss goodnight. I know it was immature of me but it just struck me so funny and I couldn't shake the giggles. I'm sure he had no idea I had heard and I couldn't tell him. He must have thought I was a nut case and didn't call again. At the door I couldn't resist telling him "thanks for a wonderful time, it was a gas."

The Hygenist (...like pulling teeth)

Here's my bad date story...not as bad as many on your site, but still
funny.

So I am just a few years out of grad school and working up on Capitol
Hill in Washington, DC just basically enjoying the dating sceen.  Well,
being a relatively normal guy I go to the dentist every 6 months like you're
supposed to.  Now I have been going to this dentist since the dentist's
dad owned and operated the practice, and he and my parents were good
friends.So now dentist's son runs the practice and we are good friends (which
always made going to the dentist weird since, who doesn't hate going, even
when the dentist is your bud).
All of my dentist bud's hygenists are relatively young and basically
all knockouts (really...I swear, not an older or unattractive one in the
bunch).Since dentist and I are friends, they all sort of know me as well
and we all would sort of platonically flirt when I came to the office
(either for an appointment or just to grab my friend to get a beer).  But on
this dental appointment, there is a new hygenist whom I do not know...and
she is smokin'!  Now I've got a thing for red-heads, and dentist and all his
hygenists know this so they are chatting me up while I'm having my
teeth cleaned (like I can chat back in that scenario!?) about new red-headed
hygenist who they notice me checking out.  So I make it a point to
start stopping by dentists' office on a very regular basis for a few weeks,
and after not too long ask her out.  Her, prodded on by my hygenist
helpers, is eventually expecting this and agrees to a date.
Now, I want to make a good first impression.  So I make sure my prize
possession (my Corvette...yes, I have plastic crates holding up an
ancient TV, but spent every dime to drive a Corvette..typical young stupid guy,
I know) is washed, waxed and cleaned to go pick her up.  I find it a
little off-putting that she lives with mom and dad, but she's young twenties
and DC is an expensive town so no big deal.  Except when I get there dad,
apparently a Coast Guard officer, proceeds to spend 10-15 minutes
literally grilling me like I am taking his 16 year old daughter out as opposed to
his fully grown adult 24 year old daughter...was I supposed to salute when
I left?  So, not off to a great start, but this can easily be overcome.
I have made reservations at a great tapas restaurant near Chinatown
(Jaleo...anyone from DC, go there, its awesome).  I quickly find out
during the drive that this girl is either really reserved or really nervous,
because getting more than two words out of her is like pulling teeth
(no pun intended).  Now I know a couple of people who work for the company that
owns Jaleo, so I have made sure with them that we will get a great window
table. This back then was a hard restaurant to get into on short notice, but
my date is unimpressed and keeps mentioning that she doesn't know what
tapas is and doesn't think she'll like it.  Try something new for god's sake, it
won't hurt you.  Would you rather I take you to McDonalds...or freakin'
Olive Garden. Well, dinner is awesome, and I think the evening is
going better, hey my date even had two very large sangrias so I'm thinking
she has got to loosen up some.  Waiter comes to bring the check..and I don't
know what my friends who work for the company told the people at the
restaurant, but the meal's on them.  Now this would normally be awesome...a $100
meal for free!  Except I generally carry very little cash (I love my debit
card its just like cash, right), but no check means no bill to run on the
card.I need to leave this waiter an awesome tip since (1) it would look bad
to my date not to, and (2) he was a kick ass waiter.  So I empty my wallet of
the roughly $25-30 I had for tip.
Next we go to a comedy club for some laughs.  Liquor has still not
loosened my date up and the faces on Mt. Rushmore talk more than her.  Park the
car in a garage (BTW...she did manage to find a couple of words about how
she doesn't like low to the ground sports cars), and head in.  Comedy club
is great, 3 stand-ups including D.L. Hughley, except...she's not laughing
much, and she thinks its too loud.  At this point I'm starting to
wonder..does she have a personality to go along with those looks, does she do something
other than complain.  Exit comedy club and head to garage attendant, flip out
my card to pay for parking.  Garage only takes cash.  I'm out, but no
problem, quickly scan street for ATM machine...none to be found.  Nice night so
I suggest a short walk to a pub assuming I will find an ATM along the
way.  Date rolls eyes and pulls out a $20 to pay for parking...ouch.
Okay, I'm a reasonably romantic guy...I can still salvage this.  I know
from my hygenist helpers back in my friend's office that this girl has
recently moved here from...I'm not kidding, Alaska. I am a native Washingtonian
so I have stashed a small cooler with a bottle of wine and 2 glasses in the
back of the car, and tell her I thought we could stroll the Washington mall
(where the nation's most infamous monuments are) and sit on the grass
and enjoy a glass of wine, and I could be her personal moonlit tour guide. 
She just looks at me....sort of bug eyed, and says..."why"?  Do they not
date in Alaska! Do they not have personalities in Alaska!  Why, because I am
trying to show you a nice evening on the town in a new city!
Okay, no more trying, she has no personality and no manners and is
obviously not into me.  Drive home, stop at ATM to pay back cash, she jumps out
of my car...I try to walk her to door to be polite, but she is apparently
worried about Captain Daddy, so bolts to door.  Now I admit, not having a lot
of cash...not a good move, but I have never tried so hard to have a
pleasant evening to instead have such a long....painful....dull...experience
with such a beautiful woman who's only speech was to complain.  Avoided
friends office for a few months and by the time next dental appointment came
around she no longer worked there.  Other hygenists confirm my belief that she
was apparently socially inept...and complained...a lot.