The (I wish I was) Blind Date...

I've received a number of stories that are essentially the same...boy meets girl (or vice versa) on-line, pics are exchanged. They laugh together, cry together play games together and when they finally meet WTF!! Here's one that happened to yours truly: Same as above, meet online, everythings dandy, pics are exchanged, I walk into the cafe' at the appointed time and...she's not there! Twenty minutes, thirty minutes...still nada. So, feeling dejected, I start the slow walk home...then it dawns on me: It was time-change day! Maybe she forgot to reset her watch in which case she'd be arriving at just about that very moment! So, I rush back to the place, swing open the door and , hooray there she is! She turns, our eyes meet, her mouth broadens into a wide grin and... NO TEETH! no kidding, at least none visible...and needless to say, it was too late to run, so we did sit and have a nice long chat.To be honest I was happy that she had time for all those twelve step programs, pleased that her various chronic illnesses were responding well to medication and darn glad too that we wouldn't have to worry about that pimp for at least 8-12 years. But sadly, we would not be able to see each other again because of (insert hastily made up reason here)..."sigh"

The Packer Fan

Okay, so I was ready to take the plunge. Well, sort of. I was ready to date someone I met on the internet, but not ready enough to pay for a dating site. SO I meet this guy on Yahoo chat. I see his picure. Not a bad looking guy at all. We talk for a few months online, then by phone, and finally decide to meet. Now we live about 300 miles away from each other. He wants to come all the way out to my neighborhood (Chicagoland). I am not comfortable with that, so I tell him I will meet him partway. We meet in Rockford at a steakhouse.

As I wait for him in the parking lot, I hear him. His 91 Cavalier is dragging the muffler and part of the bumper with it as it exits the expressway. I wonder if the could really be him. After all, he told me he is a sports journalist for the newspaper in his hometown. I assumed maybe he had either a newer car or access to a bungee cord to tack up any parts of his car that are dragging. But the car pulls into the lot and he gets out. I know it is him by the face, but I am stunned, because although he ASSURED me that he was taller than I am (me=5'5"), he was 5'2" at best. He walked up to me, smiling, which was probably not wasy for him to do, considering he was in his Green Bay Packers jersey and khaki shorts. And black socks with black gym shoes. I would have been embarrassed in that get up. But there is no accounting for some people's taste I guess.

I sucked it up, stuck out my hand (waaayyyy out) and said "Hi, I'm *****" he walked right past my outstretched hand, looking for an embrace, and said "Hey baby".

OH WAIT.

Where did that voice come from?

He sounded like a Keebler elf. Which made sense considering that is about how tall he was. But that is not what he sounded like on the phone. I was musing over this as I peeled him off of me. Then he kept talking. I kept waiting for him to stop. I thought maybe he was kidding. Nope, that was his real voice. WTF, was he disguising it on the phone??

I suggest we go into the restaurant, claiming to be hungry, actually figuring that the sooner we start this date the sooner it would be over. He turns around...and there is HAIR...

People let me tell you.

His crewcut was neatly trimmed. He had a clean moustache/goatee combo.

He had hair 6" LONG sticking out of the top of his shirt. Greasy. Nasty.

eeewwwwwwwww.

We go in. I try to make it pleasant. I try to look past it, thinking, OK, we have had nice conversations before, I can't let what he looks and sounds and dresses like deter me.

In the middle of dinner he pulls out a picture of himself and a much older lady. I ask if it is his mom. He gets offended and says no, it is his late fiancee. I ask him why he is showing me a picture of his late fiancee and why she looks like his mother. He explains to me that they were engaged the year prior but she had died of cancer before they could marry. And in case I ever came to his house and saw pictures of her all over, he just wanted me to know why. I thought the story was sad. I also thought that he was not over her yet. I further thought that she really DID look like his mother. Lastly I thought the day I set foot in this guys house...would be the day hell would freeze over.

We finish dinner, he gets a look in his eye and asks what I want to do. I suggest we sit at the park across the street. We park our behinds on a park bench and talk. In the middle of a conversation, he rolls himself on top of me and starts kissing me. I push him off and ask what the hell he is doing. He says he figured that's what I wanted to do. I told him he figured wrong. Then he got all put out and said that he did most of the driving and that he was thinking he'd get a hotel room for us. I told him to have a real nice time in that hotel room, but I was going home.

The NERVE!

Do you know he emailed me the next day and wanted to know when we could get together again??

If the Spew Fits or Reasons to Stay Sober at His Parents House

Thanks to the delicate Ms X from...uh, east of the Mississippi for these two tales
of young love:
I very rarely drink hard booze but on my first visit to my new boyfriends parents house, whiskey was all the Dad served...long story short, couldn't find the bathroom, did find my boots
(by the door), threw up into them, put them on, and asked to be taken home. Never saw the guy again and no kiss goodnight either...hmmm must not have liked my cologne.
Now my friends story is worse. The combination was beer, a very , very small bladder, very, very big house and bad directions to the bathroom. She ended up in the laundry room and as she explained "There was just no time left, I HAD to go!" So she lowered her panties, hiked up her skirt and tried to daintly "perch" on the side of the laundry room sink...after the loud crash, the whole family (grandparents too) rushed in to find my friend drunk, on her butt, skirt up by her head, panties by her ankles and lying amidst the remains of a broken sink! It must be love, because, amazingly, they invited her back!

The Interview

Thanks to Ms F...somewhere in the midwest for sending us this "interview Date" story. I think we've all had some similar to this:

About two years ago I met a man from craigslist out for lunch. He was handsome, first-generation Polish, and arrived at the restaurant in the middle of winter on his motorcycle. As I'm wolfing down lunch (I had just been running that morning), he decided not to eat and instead, began with a long series of questions. Where are you from? What do you do? How old are you? It was a veritable interview. Midway through lunch, he turned to more personal questions such as "do you see yourself getting married one day?" and "Do you see yourself having kids?" Well, I was honest in my answers and responded that yes, I did see myself getting married and having kids....to which he replied, "do you see yourself having a boy or a girl?" I have honestly never given this much more than 5 minutes of thought in my 32 years, as I think that all kids are a blessing....and there is a pregnant pause in the conversation while I think of a nice way of saying this to him. However, I didn't have time to answer as he chimed in, "I guess it doesn't matter as long as they're white, right?"

I promptly excused myself from the table claiming duty calls, and walked out of the restaurant.