I have quite a few bad date stories. But the one that takes the cake was the first guy I dated after my divorce 3 years ago. I decided to be proactive and try the online dating format. I corresponded with this guy for about a week and he asked me out. I had not seen a photo (bad move on my part) but agreed to dinner. When I called him to confirm our date I got this really odd voice mail message that made reference to some obscure bible passage. Now, please understand that I'm not what you would call religious. My profile clearly referenced my musical tastes and what you would call "new age" interests While I thought the voicemail thing a bit odd, I tried to maintain a positive attitude so we set up a time for us to go out.
The next night he picked me up at a friend's house and showed up in a mini-van. Immediately, my reaction was "omg, this is not good". I walked out to meet him at his vehicle and the inside looked like he lived in it...fast food remnants, sporting goods, etc.I knew this was no love connection but I tried to be a good sport and at least make it through dinner. We went to a local restaurant where he started to spout off his very fundamentalist religious rhetoric. He told me that "the government" has already developed "mobile execution stations", I think he meant that these are like the emissons testing vehicles but more sinister. Basically he said that the end of the world is coming and people who refuse to have a bar code/mark of the beast would be executed. He leaned into me and serious as a heart attack says "so, what are you going to do on judgement day? Are you going to take the mark of the beast?" Needless to say "mark of the beast" is looking more appealing by the moment. At this point, I'm thinking that this date can't get worse...but low and behold it got much worse. There was a large group of people adjacent to us at this restaurant and were obviously celebrating a child's birthday. There were helium balloons all over their table. My date summons the waitress with whom he had been relentlessly flirting with and says "can I ask you a favor"? Immediately I put two and two together and started praying "god please don't let him do what I think he is about to do"! You guessed it...he procured a balloon and managed to suck helium and do his best Alvin and the Chipmunks impression. I started inhaling my dinner in the hopes of getting out of there ASAP. He managed to get the attention of the entire restaurant and then asked me out again for the next night. I told him my to take me home and politely declined further dates.
After this fiasco I realized that dating takes a lot or work and a lot of humor. I started giving my dates silly little nicknames. This guy was affectionately called "Jesus Boy" by me and my friends. This was one of many frogs I had to kiss. Some of the others were "college professor guy whose kitchen looked like a nuclear waste dump", "Yoga instructor that looked like Yoda" and "transvestite dude" (you figure that one out)! and countless other potential suitors. I'm happy to say that I finally did manage to find a great guy and we both like to laugh about my very laughable dating exploits!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Sunday, June 11, 2006
The Pecker Shaper
I went out with a fellow who was on the shy side. ( put mildly) How he got the courage to ask
for date in first place was beyond me, but he did. So what made it a bad date?
In the restaurant we were seated at a table that had the salt shaker,
but no pepper shaker. He happened to want the pepper, but when the waitress
came by, he got tongue tied and asked her for the "pecker shaper". He became so
embarrassed that he got up from the table and disappeared. So there I was, with no
date at all. That makes a bad date, right?
for date in first place was beyond me, but he did. So what made it a bad date?
In the restaurant we were seated at a table that had the salt shaker,
but no pepper shaker. He happened to want the pepper, but when the waitress
came by, he got tongue tied and asked her for the "pecker shaper". He became so
embarrassed that he got up from the table and disappeared. So there I was, with no
date at all. That makes a bad date, right?
Saturday, June 10, 2006
What's Your Story?
Do you have a true, bad date story? Can we have it please? Then your story can join the ranks of such literary pearls as:
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at baddatesite@yahoo.com or leave it in the comments section below.
"Thankyou For Coming", "The Stain in Spain" , "If the Spew Fits" , "The Speed Date" , or my choice for most embarrassing date, "Stuck On You" . and of course the "Worst Date Ever",! C'mon, you know you want to, so just do it! ( bet you've heard that on a date before) Just send it as an e-mail at baddatesite@yahoo.com or leave it in the comments section below.
Who Doesn't Like A Little Head?
Editors note: On weekends I'm going to start reposting some of the classic bad dates from the past months, hope you enjoy this one.
In a moment of temporary insanity, I decided to join an online dating site. So this guy emails me, and boy, he was totally hot. Young, thick dirty-blond hair, buff...but that was a problem. He was young...like 10 years younger than me. Being a single mom, I'm particular about who I will date. It's not just me anymore, you know. I have to consider who it is I may potentially bring into my child's life. Anyway, he tells me that since he has a eight-year-old, he doesn't see the age difference being a problem. Okay, so we meet. Well, if he hadn't walked right up to me at the restaurant, I would not have recognized him. Yep, he was buff, all right, but his head was not in proportion to his body. It was TINY. The movie Beetlejuice came to mind, with the shrunken-head guys. His cheeks were sunken in. The thick dirty blond hair was actually thin, unkempt and sun-bleached white (I HATE that). No thick, kissable lips like in his picture; his mouth was a thin gash, and he had BRACES. I was still reelng from that shock, when, in the course of our conversation, he admitted that he'd lied about his age. He wasn't 27, he was my age. Anyway, I made it through lunch and mumbled something about possibly getting together over the weekend. Normally I'm really upfront about my feelings if I'm not interested, but I really was just speechless at the whole thing. Later, I emailed him (I know, lame) that I couldn't see him anymore because he had lied. So began his email campaign of totally dissing me, calling me every name in the book and insisting that he didn't lie to me, he just withheld the truth until we could meet in person. And even though I'd told him that I hadn't dated in a while, he kept saying I was trying to pin him as a liar just to cover the fact that I had "too many dates to handle." Whatever.
In a moment of temporary insanity, I decided to join an online dating site. So this guy emails me, and boy, he was totally hot. Young, thick dirty-blond hair, buff...but that was a problem. He was young...like 10 years younger than me. Being a single mom, I'm particular about who I will date. It's not just me anymore, you know. I have to consider who it is I may potentially bring into my child's life. Anyway, he tells me that since he has a eight-year-old, he doesn't see the age difference being a problem. Okay, so we meet. Well, if he hadn't walked right up to me at the restaurant, I would not have recognized him. Yep, he was buff, all right, but his head was not in proportion to his body. It was TINY. The movie Beetlejuice came to mind, with the shrunken-head guys. His cheeks were sunken in. The thick dirty blond hair was actually thin, unkempt and sun-bleached white (I HATE that). No thick, kissable lips like in his picture; his mouth was a thin gash, and he had BRACES. I was still reelng from that shock, when, in the course of our conversation, he admitted that he'd lied about his age. He wasn't 27, he was my age. Anyway, I made it through lunch and mumbled something about possibly getting together over the weekend. Normally I'm really upfront about my feelings if I'm not interested, but I really was just speechless at the whole thing. Later, I emailed him (I know, lame) that I couldn't see him anymore because he had lied. So began his email campaign of totally dissing me, calling me every name in the book and insisting that he didn't lie to me, he just withheld the truth until we could meet in person. And even though I'd told him that I hadn't dated in a while, he kept saying I was trying to pin him as a liar just to cover the fact that I had "too many dates to handle." Whatever.
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