Sunday, May 21, 2006

One Nut, No Starch Please...

I once went out with a guy who is allergic to cornstarch and when we went out he had the waitress tell him what was in the food she had to go the the chef and ask them not to cook or put any cornstarch in any food, he asked me not to order anything with cornstarch in it to( because he thought we we're gonna sleep together) he was wierd with it because all through the date he kept telling me about him being allrgic to cornstarch and he's brother was too, after a few minutes of this I left in the middle of the date when I order dessert and he said loud " OH PLEASE IF IT HAS CORNSTARCH IN IT I COULD DIE"

I walked right out, everyone, I promise ,was clapping ( because he was such a nut). He called me the next day and ask if he could take me out again I said no because until this day I wonder if he meant take me out as in on another date or take me out ( by shooting me because I walked out)

I said no way and told him to lose my number

Friday, May 19, 2006

Party Guy



It was right after I got out of a very long, very terrible relationship, yet it was before I met my husband. I was sitting at my house with my roommate and one of those commercials came on TV for the telephone dating service. TeleMates or something like that. Well, I had been drinking just a bit so I decided to call it for fun.
Well, I instantly was on the line with this guy who was a little older than me, who sounded really nice. He described himself as being extremely nice looking with gorgeous blue eyes, etc. etc. I was like "YES!!! Let's meet up for a date."
So a couple of days later, this guy was coming to pick me up. I got ready for HOURS! (I hadn't been single in years, so I was so nervous about this "blind date") My roommate was there, and a few of our friends were there to meet this guy.
Well, we hear a car pulling into the driveway and my roommate runs to the window and is peeking out. She turns around and starts laughing and she's like "He totally lied to you. You are not going to like this." I kept smiling, thinking that she was joking. No, as it turns out, she was just being nice.
This guy looked NOTHING like he had described. He had on huge thick glasses, he was like 4 inches shorter than me and about 30 pounds more than what he described. He also had told me he was a great dresser, and lets just say this was a lie too! The only thing he had in common with what he told me was that he had blue eyes! That was it!
So this guy comes in and he's holding a rose, and I instantly feel like a b!tch for being so judgemental. I thought, maybe he is a really nice guy, so I decided not to fake sickness as I had originally planned and take a chance on him. If anything, he could just be a friend that I hung out with.
So we go on our date. He asks me where I want to go eat. I tell him I'm not picky, I'm content with McDonalds double cheeseburgers. So he decides to take me to a nice Mexican restaurant downtown. We go in, and we're sitting there talking and sure enough, he is a nice guy. So then he offers to buy me a drink. I tell him I like margaritas. He orders me the biggest margarita they have, one that costs over 10 bucks and comes in a cup that looks like a bowl! So I drink the margarita. He buys another one. I drink it. We finish eating and then we leave. So he stops at a store, asks me do I smoke, I say yes. He goes in, buys me several packs of cigarettes and a lighter. And a case of beer. I'm like WTF, but okay.....
Then he gets a call on his cell phone and asks would I like to stop by his house, that his brother is having a "party" there. I say sure, and figure if this is a trick, I have my pepper spray in my purse!
We go to his house and it is only his brother there! There is no party. Apparently, I am the party. So we sit around and drink some beers, have some conversation. Then my cell phone rings and it is my former best friend (who is a guy) I talk only for a minute before telling him maybe we can hang out later, then hang up. The guy I'm on a date with gives me this weird look and he's like "Was that a guy?" As I explain to him that it was my best friend, who I dated when I was 15, but since then, he's engaged and has two kids, he just looks pissed. He grabs my purse up from bside me, shoves it into my hands and tells me he's taking me home.
As we're driving down the road, I start to tell him I had a fun time with him, and this dude just starts freaking out on me. I remember he told me "You're nothing but a player. You're one of those girls, you just play good guys like me. Do you get off on playing people and doing them wrong?" Of course, I'm like What the hell are you talking about? So this guy proceeds to just b!tch me out: I take you out and treat you right and you just screw me over. That's the way it always goes. Do you think you're a pimp?
By this point, I freak out and tell him that no, I'm not a pimp or a player, and I thought the date went really well and that we could end up being good friends. The guy is still flipping out.
I had to go to the bathroom so he stopped at a store. When I emerged and reentered the car, he's on his cell phone saying "No, I can't go to the club tonight. I spent all my money on this girl who played me." By that point, I just didn't say anything. The rest of the drive to my house was silent.
When we got to my house, I told him that despite how he acted, I did have a nice time (until he flipped out) and I appreciated everything he did. His response? He slammed my door in my face and peeled out of our driveway. (There were black skid marks going from the top of the driveway down the road. Then, when he got to the street, he flipped me off!!!
My roommate came out of the house laughing her butt off. "I take it it didn't go so well" she said, while in hysterics. I just went inside and went to bed. It was the worst date EVER!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Hungry For Love?...no, just hungry

I did everything correctly, told her the truth about myself, met her in a public place, did not look at the bill after dinner, but what happened before and during the day was like a bad Twilight Zone episode.
I had to work later than expected, called her and apologized, if she wanted to change that was cool with me she just said she was hungry. I could understand, so was I. We met at Italian Village at 745 or so, and introducted ourselves. Dinner came and she was not messing around, she looked like a cow the way she put the food down, cleaned one plate, then ate mine. She then made the comment after ordered a entire cheesecake that she likes dates where she can get two for one (eat dinner and have lunch to take home). Still in shock I di did not look at the bill, just paid it and we left. I put her in a cab home, where she had to sit in the back by herself to let her stomach go down she ate so much. She got home and I said goodbye. The next day she calls and says thank you for the date and wanted to see me again. I told her I was busy. As I type this I think of the women who post ads looking for and wanting a decent guy, and it sucks that so far the only ones who have replied to me have been pigs.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The PHD

I went on a blind date with a guy I met on the Internet. At dinner I mentioned I have a PhD. He said he had a PhD as well - pretty huge d1ck! That one didn't last beyond dinner.

Then there was a guy who asked me out to dinner. We went out to a nice place. He ordered up big and got a REALLY nice bottle of wine and even ordered dessert and coffee. When the check came he said "You look like you make more than me, you pay the check and I'll put out later!"

And being the magnet for losers that I am there is the guy who asked me out and then showed up with a pad of post-it notes. He proceeded to stick the notes everywhere. They all had his phone number on them because he said it was a "social experiment" to see if anyone would call him.

And lastly there was the guy who couldn't have sex without having The Simpsons playing on the TV! When he came he said "Oh God! Oh Marge!" Needless to say I didn't wait around to have little Bart, Lisa, and Maggie with him :-P