Oh, Thankyou for Coming...

Editors Note: This story contains adult themes concerning foul, disgusting behaviour, so don't read it...I mean it, do not read this story!

Hi,
We went out to dinner on Saturday night, and you called yesterday. I will NOT, under ANY circumstances, be calling you back, and I thought you might want to know why.
I had high hopes for you, you know. You were really cute, seemed articulate and reasonably intelligent, and worked at a decent job. But, man oh man, you SO BLEW IT.
Dinner was good, I have to admit. We chatted amiably and there weren't any of those long pauses in conversation where you feel all awkward and desperately scan the room looking for something to comment on. In fact, dinner was pleasant enough that I invited you up to my apartment for a drink. That's when things started to go wrong.
First off, even though I did ask you to come up, I'm not a slutty gal. I suspect that you thought just because I asked you to come in my house you were going to get LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY, but, let me tell you, asking me about whether or not I like "toys" on a first date and about my feelings regarding oral sex - that's a big NO for me. It's not that I don't like those things, I do, but that's just WAY too personal for a first date. In the same way that I wouldn't tell you about, for example, the worst thing that ever happened to me, or how I felt when my grandma died, or about my parent's divorce, or about how many hours I was on the toilet when I got food poisoning - because you see, those are personal things and I DON'T REALLY KNOW YOU, and therefore, they are INAPPROPRIATE, I'm not going to chat with you about my sexual habits. Strike one
Okay - so I thought that that was weird and rude, but you leaned in to kiss me and, what the hell, I kissed you anyways. Here's where things went REALLY WRONG! Cumming in your pants because of a 5 minute kiss is NOT IMPRESSIVE and does not bode well for the bedroom and I'm thinking at this point, maybe this is why he's so concerned with toy habits. While I would like to think that maybe I'm some kind of INSANELY good kisser and that because of my skill you were overcome, so to speak, I don't think that's the case. At this point I just wanted you to leave. That was strike 2.
So, then you went to the bathroom to "clean up" and then came back out and gave me this pathetic excuse about how you just remembered you had to return a video that you had left at a friend's house and needed to leave. By the way, that was a completely transparent lie, but I just wanted you to GO AWAY so I pretended to believe it. I suspect you were embarrassed, which you had every right to be, but come on, how stupid do you think I am? I can't believe you bought it when I nodded my head and emphatically agreed with you that late fees were indeed horrible and that, yes, it was an urgent manner that you retrieve your video and get it back RIGHT AWAY. Strike 3 for baldfaced, idiotic lying, you sorry ass.
So, you finally leave, and I'm thinking THANK GOD THAT'S OVER, and GODDAM IDIOT, and I put my sweats on and go to the bathrooom to wash my face and brush my teeth and I soap my face off and rinse it off and grab the handtowel I keep by the sink and I look down squinting because there's water in my eyes and think, "what's that?" and then get a whiff of it and realize OH MY GOD YOU BASTARD you cleaned off your sorry dick on my face towel. Were you not taught any manners? There was plenty of toilet paper, which I would have thought to be the logical choice, but you used my FACE TOWEL. I gagged and threw the towel out of the bathrooom. This is strike 4, and by the way, I had to throw the towel away and while you owe me a nice, thick purple face towel that hasn't been soiled, I will never claim this because that would require seeing you again, and I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES want to do so.
So anyways, that pretty much sums up why I'm not returning your call, and why I don't like you. You suck.

"Why Do Birds, Suddenly Appear...La,La,La"

Remember that old Carpenters song they play at weddings? It starts "Why do
birds suddenly appear, everytime you are near..." Well I can't listen to that
song without being reminded of a morning stroll I took with a lovely young
Eastern European lass a few years back. I had gotten up early to work out, and (for once) I was really confident. I felt buff, cool, in charge. She smiled, a dark-eyed beauty...we'd only just met but, who knows, could this be love? I took her hand in mine and we started to stroll toward the park when...a pigeon took a MASSIVE POOP ON MY HEAD! As I felt the trickle working its way down my forehead I knew the spell had been broken. I would never fully recover my "coolness" and the relationship went straight downhill after that...and now, writing this, I've got that horrible song stuck in my head again..."Why Do birds, suddenly appear everytime you are near..."

A Fatal Misstep

The date herself was not bad. Conditions beyond my control and outside my sphere of influence conspired to destroy any hope of enjoyment for myself and my date. It had been a year, over a year since an important relationship fell through, and I was just beginning to come out of hiding and start looking at women again. I was trying online dating, which many assume immediately lends itself to certain doom, but it was an idea I could grasp at the time, and something I had enjoyed trying previously. After a few weeks of tweaking my online profile, I was in contact with a lovely lady and emailed for about a week. Our first date rolled up and she seemed very nice, attractive, and creative. Carless as I was, she picked me up and we proceeded to the Laurelhurst Theater to see Bubba Ho Tep. Everything seemed great, I was finally "out there" again, my date and I definitely clicked, and we were about to watch an elderly Elvis beat the snot out of a cowboy/mummy. She parks the car. It was dark. I open the door. I swing a leg out onto the grassy knoll. My favorite boots, steel-toed vegan waffle-stompers, slide across a viscously solid heap of canine dung, detritus, animal waste, DOG SHIT. "Shit," I says. I tell her and she laughs good-naturedly, assuring me it doesn't matter and telling me it's more funny than anything. I do what I can by scrubbing my deep soles on mounds of grass, eyes keenly scanning the darkness for more treacherous mounds, but to no avail. I spend the 15 minutes before the movie desperately trying to clean out the waffle with my key in the stall of the bathroom, rinsing shit into the sink when no one else is in the john. The entire movie, every shift of my feet brings fresh clouds of shitstink wafting up from below, and I detect my nearby fellow movie patrons lifting their noses to the breeze at the detection of some foul presence in the air. I sweated like Rodney Dangerfield the duration of that film, certain that I would be thrown out and beaten by a cabal of angry moviegoers. How can one really appreciate Bruce Campbell when the smell of dogshit hangs static in a warm movie auditorium? She was cool. We went out a few more times, but that was it. Despite my love for wild and domesticated beasts, Portland dogs and their owners, whether responsible or not, were viciously and unapologetically cursed under my breath for many months to come. That is all.

"No problem. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."
-Samuel Beckett

The Potato Man

Ok so this is my BAD DATE! I responded to a personal ad, to a guy,
we'll call M, He's late 30's I am late 20's. He has very fair skin and
is not attractive but seemed very nice.He sent a few pictures and stated
that he was some bigwig that works with pro-athletes. I am a very
attractive police officer s,to protect myself when we spoke over the phone, I
asked him for his last name..(to find out if I am going on a date with a
serial killer). He sounds like a gentlemen and says his last name , but I
didn't understand it and after him saying it twice I just thought I would not
be rude, and agreed to meet him on our date.
I tell my girlfriends what I am doing (just in case) and pack my
weapon..before the date on the phone this guy is going on and on about
all the fancy things he gets to do and all the property he owns in Troy
Michigan...I really could care less (as long as you were nice and
didn't sponge off of your mom) but anyways he says to meet him at the
Somerset Mall PF Changs.. I arrive first and find out there is a 2 hour wait.So I
call him and ask did you make reservations? (i mean you said you were
this big hot shot) NOPE no reservations.. I already have the feeling that this
is not going to be a good date..
I am about to leave when he walks in. I tell him I am not waiting 2
hours to sit down and eat.. He says "don't Go" well find another place..So while
we are walking around the mall,, He is very "grabby" grabbing my waist
pulling me close to him says how GOOD we look together..(well of COURSE you
look good with me) all I could think was EWWWWW yuck, he didn't look like
his pictures at all!! He was a fat white guy, and I really believe he
lacked anything in his body to give him some type of color! He was bright red,
like he just went tanning before he came to meet me. So I am walking around
with this bloated red guy who has a dangley doubble chin.. so we are
wallking around and he says "do you want to go shopping? I buy you a purse" I
stated that I have a purse and I do not want him to take me shopping!
I wanted to eat!( I figure at least I can get dinner out of this) We find
ourselves at the marshall fields cafe..(ohh 5star) He orders a roast
beef sandwhich and mashed potates, I think I got a salad or something..Over
dinner conversation I ask him again what his last name is and with a
mouthfull he answers and again I can not understand..
I am tired of this so I ask him WHAT IS YOUR LAST NAME? He gets all
huffy and says WHY? I don't like to give my last name out to anyone, I am a
VIP and I have to protect myself from "moochers" I realize that this guy
is a BIG FRAUD! Why else would he not give me something as simple as his
name?? Then he started on with how rich and sucessfull he is, with a MOUTH
FULL OF MASHED potatoes,, He looked like a baby who was eatting solid food for
the first time! While dodgeing the little bits of potatoes and watching his
turkey neck swing back and forth..I told him that I had to be going..He
insited that he walk me to my car..I stated NO THANK YOU! and to be
more of a butt hole he wouldn't drop it, saying oh I want to make sure your
safe ,blah blah, blah so I finally told him..I will be safe I have a gun
leave me ALONE!!!
He called a few times and I had one of my good friends (who's a guy)
say he
was my brother and to not call there anymore...Thank goodness!!! No
more potato man!