Monday, June 05, 2006
The Heroin(e)
My worst date isnt all that bad. My friend once met someone on a dating website. He took her and her cousin out for drinks. He made the mistake of picking them up. On the way back, after having a cool evening, the cousin overdosed in his car. Turns out she had being doing heroine and he hadn't realized. He had to stop the car on the side of the highway, give her CPR and then take her to the hospital. Needless to say that was the first and the last date.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Thankyou For Coming
Editors Note: This story is one of my favorites from a few months ago, so I'm re=posting it. But be fore-warned , it contains adult themes concerning foul, disgusting behaviour, so don't read it...I mean it, do not read this story!
Hi,
We went out to dinner on Saturday night, and you called yesterday. I will NOT, under ANY circumstances, be calling you back, and I thought you might want to know why.
I had high hopes for you, you know. You were really cute, seemed articulate and reasonably intelligent, and worked at a decent job. But, man oh man, you SO BLEW IT.
Dinner was good, I have to admit. We chatted amiably and there weren't any of those long pauses in conversation where you feel all awkward and desperately scan the room looking for something to comment on. In fact, dinner was pleasant enough that I invited you up to my apartment for a drink. That's when things started to go wrong.
First off, even though I did ask you to come up, I'm not a slutty gal. I suspect that you thought just because I asked you to come in my house you were going to get LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY, but, let me tell you, asking me about whether or not I like "toys" on a first date and about my feelings regarding oral sex - that's a big NO for me. It's not that I don't like those things, I do, but that's just WAY too personal for a first date. In the same way that I wouldn't tell you about, for example, the worst thing that ever happened to me, or how I felt when my grandma died, or about my parent's divorce, or about how many hours I was on the toilet when I got food poisoning - because you see, those are personal things and I DON'T REALLY KNOW YOU, and therefore, they are INAPPROPRIATE, I'm not going to chat with you about my sexual habits. Strike one
Okay - so I thought that that was weird and rude, but you leaned in to kiss me and, what the hell, I kissed you anyways. Here's where things went REALLY WRONG! Cumming in your pants because of a 5 minute kiss is NOT IMPRESSIVE and does not bode well for the bedroom and I'm thinking at this point, maybe this is why he's so concerned with toy habits. While I would like to think that maybe I'm some kind of INSANELY good kisser and that because of my skill you were overcome, so to speak, I don't think that's the case. At this point I just wanted you to leave. That was strike 2.
So, then you went to the bathroom to "clean up" and then came back out and gave me this pathetic excuse about how you just remembered you had to return a video that you had left at a friend's house and needed to leave. By the way, that was a completely transparent lie, but I just wanted you to GO AWAY so I pretended to believe it. I suspect you were embarrassed, which you had every right to be, but come on, how stupid do you think I am? I can't believe you bought it when I nodded my head and emphatically agreed with you that late fees were indeed horrible and that, yes, it was an urgent manner that you retrieve your video and get it back RIGHT AWAY. Strike 3 for baldfaced, idiotic lying, you sorry ass.
So, you finally leave, and I'm thinking THANK GOD THAT'S OVER, and GODDAM IDIOT, and I put my sweats on and go to the bathrooom to wash my face and brush my teeth and I soap my face off and rinse it off and grab the handtowel I keep by the sink and I look down squinting because there's water in my eyes and think, "what's that?" and then get a whiff of it and realize OH MY GOD YOU BASTARD you cleaned off your sorry dick on my face towel. Were you not taught any manners? There was plenty of toilet paper, which I would have thought to be the logical choice, but you used my FACE TOWEL. I gagged and threw the towel out of the bathrooom. This is strike 4, and by the way, I had to throw the towel away and while you owe me a nice, thick purple face towel that hasn't been soiled, I will never claim this because that would require seeing you again, and I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES want to do so.
So anyways, that pretty much sums up why I'm not returning your call, and why I don't like you. You suck.
Hi,
We went out to dinner on Saturday night, and you called yesterday. I will NOT, under ANY circumstances, be calling you back, and I thought you might want to know why.
I had high hopes for you, you know. You were really cute, seemed articulate and reasonably intelligent, and worked at a decent job. But, man oh man, you SO BLEW IT.
Dinner was good, I have to admit. We chatted amiably and there weren't any of those long pauses in conversation where you feel all awkward and desperately scan the room looking for something to comment on. In fact, dinner was pleasant enough that I invited you up to my apartment for a drink. That's when things started to go wrong.
First off, even though I did ask you to come up, I'm not a slutty gal. I suspect that you thought just because I asked you to come in my house you were going to get LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY, but, let me tell you, asking me about whether or not I like "toys" on a first date and about my feelings regarding oral sex - that's a big NO for me. It's not that I don't like those things, I do, but that's just WAY too personal for a first date. In the same way that I wouldn't tell you about, for example, the worst thing that ever happened to me, or how I felt when my grandma died, or about my parent's divorce, or about how many hours I was on the toilet when I got food poisoning - because you see, those are personal things and I DON'T REALLY KNOW YOU, and therefore, they are INAPPROPRIATE, I'm not going to chat with you about my sexual habits. Strike one
Okay - so I thought that that was weird and rude, but you leaned in to kiss me and, what the hell, I kissed you anyways. Here's where things went REALLY WRONG! Cumming in your pants because of a 5 minute kiss is NOT IMPRESSIVE and does not bode well for the bedroom and I'm thinking at this point, maybe this is why he's so concerned with toy habits. While I would like to think that maybe I'm some kind of INSANELY good kisser and that because of my skill you were overcome, so to speak, I don't think that's the case. At this point I just wanted you to leave. That was strike 2.
So, then you went to the bathroom to "clean up" and then came back out and gave me this pathetic excuse about how you just remembered you had to return a video that you had left at a friend's house and needed to leave. By the way, that was a completely transparent lie, but I just wanted you to GO AWAY so I pretended to believe it. I suspect you were embarrassed, which you had every right to be, but come on, how stupid do you think I am? I can't believe you bought it when I nodded my head and emphatically agreed with you that late fees were indeed horrible and that, yes, it was an urgent manner that you retrieve your video and get it back RIGHT AWAY. Strike 3 for baldfaced, idiotic lying, you sorry ass.
So, you finally leave, and I'm thinking THANK GOD THAT'S OVER, and GODDAM IDIOT, and I put my sweats on and go to the bathrooom to wash my face and brush my teeth and I soap my face off and rinse it off and grab the handtowel I keep by the sink and I look down squinting because there's water in my eyes and think, "what's that?" and then get a whiff of it and realize OH MY GOD YOU BASTARD you cleaned off your sorry dick on my face towel. Were you not taught any manners? There was plenty of toilet paper, which I would have thought to be the logical choice, but you used my FACE TOWEL. I gagged and threw the towel out of the bathrooom. This is strike 4, and by the way, I had to throw the towel away and while you owe me a nice, thick purple face towel that hasn't been soiled, I will never claim this because that would require seeing you again, and I DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES want to do so.
So anyways, that pretty much sums up why I'm not returning your call, and why I don't like you. You suck.
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Doughboy
OK, the date is set up on the internet.
DATE 1: He picks me up at my apartment complex. We make our way to a restaurant. It is freezing out. We are bundled up in sweaters and coats. Everything went good. At the end of the date he kisses me. Nice kisser. I agree to a second date.
DATE 2: 1 1/2 weeks later. It's still freezing out, sweaters and coats, hat and scarf. He again is a perfect gentleman. We went to a beautiful restaurant and the food was wonderful. We had another pleasant date with stimulating conversation. Kisses me again. Nice kisser. I agree to a third date.
DATE 3: He picks me up. He tells me we have to stop at his house so he can change his shirt. I accidently got a glimpse of him with the shirt off. I was so repulsed. I couldn't believe how well he hid that fat. I knew right then and there this was not going any further. I just couldn't. I know it sounds shallow and horrible. I have be physically attracted to a man with clothes and without.
I can deal with a few extra pounds, 5-10, 15 max. 20 or more? I can't do it. If he looks like that at 38, what will he look like at 48 or 58? The health problems that this brings on is something I don't want in a boyfriend/potential husband/life partner. Some will respond and tell me I should have talked to him about it. I will respond now. I shouldn't have to. Everyone knows about the health problems and potential health problems. Everyone knows that 65% of America is fat and/or obese. People who are overweight know they are overweight. They don't need to be told. I don't feel sorry for them. I see it as a choice. You choose to be that way. You choose what you eat. You choose whether or not you get your ass off the couch.
I now understand what guys mean when they say how some girls look good in clothes but horrible naked. I used to think it was mean, but it has happened to me. I think there is a nickname for this. I don't remember what it's called.
DATE 1: He picks me up at my apartment complex. We make our way to a restaurant. It is freezing out. We are bundled up in sweaters and coats. Everything went good. At the end of the date he kisses me. Nice kisser. I agree to a second date.
DATE 2: 1 1/2 weeks later. It's still freezing out, sweaters and coats, hat and scarf. He again is a perfect gentleman. We went to a beautiful restaurant and the food was wonderful. We had another pleasant date with stimulating conversation. Kisses me again. Nice kisser. I agree to a third date.
DATE 3: He picks me up. He tells me we have to stop at his house so he can change his shirt. I accidently got a glimpse of him with the shirt off. I was so repulsed. I couldn't believe how well he hid that fat. I knew right then and there this was not going any further. I just couldn't. I know it sounds shallow and horrible. I have be physically attracted to a man with clothes and without.
I can deal with a few extra pounds, 5-10, 15 max. 20 or more? I can't do it. If he looks like that at 38, what will he look like at 48 or 58? The health problems that this brings on is something I don't want in a boyfriend/potential husband/life partner. Some will respond and tell me I should have talked to him about it. I will respond now. I shouldn't have to. Everyone knows about the health problems and potential health problems. Everyone knows that 65% of America is fat and/or obese. People who are overweight know they are overweight. They don't need to be told. I don't feel sorry for them. I see it as a choice. You choose to be that way. You choose what you eat. You choose whether or not you get your ass off the couch.
I now understand what guys mean when they say how some girls look good in clothes but horrible naked. I used to think it was mean, but it has happened to me. I think there is a nickname for this. I don't remember what it's called.
Monday, May 29, 2006
Set Up By A Co-Worker (never a good idea)
The first, and LAST,blind date I ever went on was a complete disaster. A coworker decided to set me up with her brother in law because she wanted to double date to the movies one weekend, so I agreed.
So it began.....the guy pulls into my driveway the night we were to go out in the oddest vehicle I'd ever been picked up in in my life. It was one of those electrical company trucks with the lift basket thing in the back. I thought maybe it was his work truck, but no, turned out he was unemployed....which would explain why the truck was spray painted with really bad attempts at red and purple flames.
Then he gets out of the truck. Now, I don't want to sound shallow....I try really hard not to get hung up on looks. But....
He had the biggest, gnattiest blonde curly fro I'd ever seen in my life, he had glasses thicker than pop bottles, and to top it off he was wearing a ripped up dirty t-shirt, ripped up jeans, and it looked like he hadn't showered for awhile.
But...I promised my friend, so I continued on with the date.
So, we catch up with the others and head to the theater. My friend's husband drives, so this guy decides he can drink, and proceeds to take out a fifth of vodka and pretty much inhale it before we even get to the theater. The movie starts, and he immediately begins making cat calls, loudly, at every good-looking woman on the screen, while trying to lean over and kiss me (unsuccessfully). About 10 minutes into the movie, he leaves, apparently to go to the bathroom....but he doesn't come back. I quite honestly was just fine with that.
However, about a half an hour later, one of the ushers comes down and informs us that my date has passed out on the roof of his brother's truck in the theater parking lot. So, we leave.
All the way home he was puking in the back seat, I don't think he once made it out the window (thankfully I was in the front seat, and only lived 5 min. from the theater...which was STILL 5 min. too long as far as I was concerned.)
That was, without a doubt, THE worst date I've ever been on in my life.
He even called me up the next day and asked me out again! Ha!! Like that was going to happen.
So it began.....the guy pulls into my driveway the night we were to go out in the oddest vehicle I'd ever been picked up in in my life. It was one of those electrical company trucks with the lift basket thing in the back. I thought maybe it was his work truck, but no, turned out he was unemployed....which would explain why the truck was spray painted with really bad attempts at red and purple flames.
Then he gets out of the truck. Now, I don't want to sound shallow....I try really hard not to get hung up on looks. But....
He had the biggest, gnattiest blonde curly fro I'd ever seen in my life, he had glasses thicker than pop bottles, and to top it off he was wearing a ripped up dirty t-shirt, ripped up jeans, and it looked like he hadn't showered for awhile.
But...I promised my friend, so I continued on with the date.
So, we catch up with the others and head to the theater. My friend's husband drives, so this guy decides he can drink, and proceeds to take out a fifth of vodka and pretty much inhale it before we even get to the theater. The movie starts, and he immediately begins making cat calls, loudly, at every good-looking woman on the screen, while trying to lean over and kiss me (unsuccessfully). About 10 minutes into the movie, he leaves, apparently to go to the bathroom....but he doesn't come back. I quite honestly was just fine with that.
However, about a half an hour later, one of the ushers comes down and informs us that my date has passed out on the roof of his brother's truck in the theater parking lot. So, we leave.
All the way home he was puking in the back seat, I don't think he once made it out the window (thankfully I was in the front seat, and only lived 5 min. from the theater...which was STILL 5 min. too long as far as I was concerned.)
That was, without a doubt, THE worst date I've ever been on in my life.
He even called me up the next day and asked me out again! Ha!! Like that was going to happen.
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